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Special Moments

For most of the progression of Kate’s Alzheimer’s, she has been less talkative than she used to be. That has meant a significant change in our conversations. We often spend most of our time together in silence whether at home, during meals, or in the car. That has required an adjustment on my part since I am more of a talker. My parents talked constantly. I recall times when they had talked while my dad was getting ready to leave for work. and then again as soon as he reached the shop.

Kate’s and my conversations were never like those of my parents, but I would say they were probably similar to that of most couples. Talking requires too much of Kate. It is not uncommon for her to ask me tell her tomorrow what I was about to say right then. That ends the conversation.

Once in a while, however, she does want to talk. When she does, I welcome and encourage it. The subject matter is usually the same. She talks about her family and us as a couple. That was the case while we were at lunch today. I said something about the pictures I had taken over the weekend in Texas and mentioned her cousin Chester. When I did, she said something that let me know that she didn’t remember his passing away last week and attending his memorial service just two days ago. I often just let things like this pass, but I told her that Chester had died and that we had just returned from Texas. Then she said something about remembering being in Texas.

From that prompt, she said, “I’m really glad you got to know my family.” I told her I was glad too and that it had given me an appreciation for large, close-knit families. She continued the conversation talking about her father. She always speaks fondly of him, but she talks more about her mother. Then she talked about us. She mentioned how well things have always gone for us. I concurred. We both talked about Kate’s father having married a girl from out of state and her doing the same. We talked about the places we had lived and the excitement of each stage of our lives. Naturally, that included having children.

It was a very slow and tender conversation. I wasn’t just listening but participating. It is one of those special times that come along periodically. They always remind me that some of the best times we ever have are those that occur spontaneously and involve simple pleasures like today’s very ordinary lunch. She won’t remember it, but I will.

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Kate’s 77th Birthday

Yesterday was Kate’s birthday, and I hadn’t envisioned much of a celebration since we were in Fort Worth for the memorial service and related events surrounding the passing of her cousin, Chester. It turned out, however, that we didn’t have anything scheduled until the family gathered together at 1:30 before the service at 2:00. Kate’s cousin Sharon asked if she could take Kate to lunch as a birthday treat. Together we turned that into a larger gathering to include Kate’s brother, Ken, and his wife, Virginia, as well as our son Kevin’s family. It was a special treat to have another cousin of Kate’s who is from Massachusetts. She hasn’t attended as many family gatherings over the years, and it was nice to visit with her.

Sharon made arrangements for lunch at a restaurant that was close to the church. The lunch turned out to be a perfect way to recognize Kate who hadn’t remembered it was her birthday. Ken and Virginia got us off to a good start by ordering Saganaki, a Greek flaming appetizer. That started the celebration with a little flare, or should I say flame. All of us got out our cameras/phones to capture the flames. That was followed by lots of visiting and good food. It was special for her to share those moments with people who are so special to her. When we got in the car to drive to the church, I said, “Happy Birthday.” Kate said, “Oh, is it my birthday? I didn’t know.”

We met in the Franklin Center of the Methodist church where Kate’s family had been members for so long. Her grandparents’ home had stood on a portion of the property now occupied by the church. The Center has a display of some of the things from the home. Kate loved looking at these things as if for the first time. In her mind it was exactly that.

It was a beautiful service and especially moving for Kate. Family has always been important to her, and Chester was significant for a number of reasons. He had remained in Fort Worth as the rest of the family had made their way to other places. Family was very important to him. We saw him as someone who kept the family memories alive in the place where Kate’s grandparents had made their mark in the early part of the twentieth century. Chester had also been very active in the community in a variety of ways. The church was packed to honor him.

Following the service we spent a little time with Ken and Virginia. Then they went back to their home in San Angelo. We checked into a hotel near the airport for our flight out shortly after noon today. Kate is sleeping soundly. I will probably wake her in another hour or so. I would like to leave for the airport around 10:00. As we leave today, I am feeling good that Kate has had this time with the larger family. That is not something I had thought would happen. She won’t remember it, but each moment meant a lot to her.

 

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Still Appreciating Live Performances

Over the fifty-four-and-a-half years of our marriage, Kate and I have attended a wide range of live performances from Willie Nelson to Bette Miller to Billy Joel to Itzhak Perlman and Renee Fleming. Since Kate’s diagnosis seven years ago next week, we have made a special effort to enjoy the performing arts. We’ve also enjoyed movies, but as I have noted before, Kate is less and less able to appreciate them. That has made me wonder how long she would like the various musical performances we attend so often. I still don’t know the answer to that question, but I am optimistic that it will last a while.

We are now attending three musical events a month in addition to periodic events throughout the year. The three regular programs are opera on the first Thursday of the month, jazz on the second Thursday, and Broadway on the third Thursday. Last week it was opera. Tonight it was jazz. Kate thoroughly enjoys each one. Tonight as well as the previous jazz nights, we have known the clarinetist and trumpet player. They are both retired music faculty at UT and are well-known locally. Although she didn’t talk much with the people at our table, Kate also enjoyed being with them. We sat with two couples. One we sit with every time. The other couple was new to us, and we thoroughly enjoyed them. Programs like this give us both a lift. I am optimistic that we will continue to enjoy them in the future.

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Kate’s not the only one who forgets.

Kate has a nickname for me, “MM,” “My Memory.” I don’t really have a great memory, but she thinks so. Of course, compared to hers, it is fantastic. I am able to help her with most things she forgets. It is not unusual, however, for me to slip up. I did just that this afternoon. I completely forgot about our 3:00 appointments for haircuts. Fortunately, Dawn called about 3:05 to ask if she had made a mistake. I checked my calendar. I had entered it correctly. I just hadn’t looked at it.

Her phone call broke into a very peaceful and unusual moment. Kate and I had returned from lunch a few minutes before 2:00. It is the first nice day after almost a week of cold temperatures. For that reason, I fully expected Kate to head straight for the yard when we got home. Instead she came in the house and brushed her teeth. Then she brought her iPad into the family room and took a seat. When I saw her, I told her I would come in and join her. I put on some piano music by Andre Previn and sat down on the sofa with my laptop where I made my previous journal entry. We don’t have many moments like that. I think we were both enjoying it. I know I was. Thus, I had mixed feelings about Dawn’s call. I knew we had made a commitment to be there. I needed to have my haircut, and Kate was due for color. On the other hand, I hated to break the spell. I’ll remember that as a special time during which we didn’t say a word to each other. We just enjoyed quietly passing time together.

As I reflect on what I just said, I have to contradict myself. Every evening we have a similar experience when we return home from dinner. We go back to our bedroom where I sit in my chair and watch the PBS Newshour. Kate sits in her chair and works on her iPad. It is a very peaceful way to end the day. I think what struck me this afternoon was having the experience at that time of the day. Typically, when we are at home, Kate is outside, and I am inside.

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Darkest Hour Scores a Victory with Us

Over the past year, Kate has enjoyed very few of the movies we have seen. That was quite a disappointment to me because we have always liked them. In addition, they have offered us another entertainment option besides the various live performances we attend. During the past two to three months, I have been very selective in my movie choices. That has meant we have seen few in that time. I had heard good things about the movie, Darkest Hour. Our friends, the Robinsons had seen it two days ago and highly recommended it. I mentioned it to Kate and told her it was about Churchill during World War II. She immediately reacted positively about seeing it. Yesterday I mentioned it again and asked if she was sure she would like to see it. She confirmed her interest. In itself that isn’t surprising. She has always liked films on historical topics like this one.

This afternoon we saw it, and I am very happy to report that she loved it. I was not only happy that she liked the film but that it signaled that she is still able to appreciate a movie of this nature. That gives me hope that we may find others that will appeal to her. This was the highlight of my day.

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A Very Nice Day

This has been a very quiet week for us. Since it started with New Year’s Day and was accompanied by colder weather, we haven’t had as many scheduled activities. I’ve actually been a little concerned about the fact that it has been too cold for Kate to work in the yard. That represents a very large portion of her personal time during the day. I’ve wonder how well I might keep her entertained. As of this moment, that has worked out well, and yesterday was especially nice.

Fortunately, Kate has slept later each day this week. The result is that we haven’t been getting to Panera as early as most morning’s lately. It was actually 11:00 two days ago. Yesterday we got there about 10:10. She was ready to leave less than an hour later. That meant it was a little early for lunch; so we returned home. She asked if she could work in the yard. I told her she could but that she wouldn’t have much time as we would go to lunch in a little while. Although it was about 30 degrees at the time, I figured she wouldn’t be out long enough to do any harm.

It turned out that  she came inside to brush her teeth and ended up working on her iPad in the family room. I went in and joined her. As usual, we didn’t talk during that time. It was just nice to be together. Before noon, we left for lunch. We went to a deli that we like but don’t frequent too often because of the crowds. It made for a nice change from our normal routine. We came back to the house for a short time. Then at 2:00, Kate had her monthly massage. While she was there, I went to Whole Foods and worked on my computer.

At 3:00, I picked her up. We had our iPads with us, so I decided to drop by Panera for a while. We were there until 5:00. At that time I suggested we go home and get ready for our opera night at Casa Bella. When we got home, I told Kate I would get her clothes ready for her. She happily accepted that. The only hitch we had was the usual one. I left her while I went to get dressed. She had forgotten we were going out and was still wearing the clothes I had shown her. When I told her we were going out, she reacted like it was the first time she had heard. Again, she simply stopped what she was doing and followed me back to her room where she got dressed.

Last night we had two new opera students from UT. They were outstanding. We enjoyed our meal and the people with whom we sat. It was a cold night, but it was filled with warmth for us. It had been a very good day.

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Confused, But Very Good-Natured

This has been another very nice day. The moment Kate got up she was in a very good humor. I don’t mean to suggest that she is usually in a bad humor, but sometimes she can be a little grumpy.  That is before she fully wakes up. That was not so this morning. On the other hand, she has displayed confusion throughout the day. For example, she got dressed this morning before I reminded her that a church friend had invited us to lunch. She was dressed more casually than I thought she should be. When I noticed what she was wearing, I told her that I had forgotten to remind her that we were going to lunch with our friend and that she might want to wear something else. She very nicely told me she thought what she was wearing was fine. I quickly decided not to make an issue of this and told her that would be fine. It was only after we had left the house that I noticed that she was wearing shoes that didn’t match in color or style. I let it go, and everything was fine.

On the way to the restaurant, she asked me who we were meeting. She asked at least three times before we got there as well as after we left her. Despite this confusion, she got along beautifully at lunch and following lunch at our friend’s home.

As soon as we got home, she went outside to work in the yard. I let her know it was getting close to dinner time almost three hours later. She had been sitting in the flower beds cleaning out weeds and other debris. For that reason, her clothes were visibly soiled. I thought she might be planning to come inside, take a shower, and put on clean clothes. As it turned out, she just washed her hands and was ready to go. I suggested that she change her clothes. She accepted my suggestion. I brought her a change of pants and a top. I gave them to her and said, “Here are your clothes.” I walked out of the room. When I returned, she was at the back door ready to go to the car. She was still wearing the dirty clothes and carrying the clean ones. I told her I meant for her to wear the clothes in her hands. She didn’t object at all. She was very agreeable and made the change I had suggested.

We went to a Chinese dinner tonight. Soon after we were served, I asked her how she liked the meal. She said it was “good, but not great.” She made a similar comment a little later. Toward the end of the meal, I noticed she was about to finish her whole meal. It was a generous serving. I made a comment, and she responded with, “It’s very good.” This kind of shift in her evaluation of things is quite common. She can easily say that she likes something one minute and dislikes it the next.

When we got home, she walked into our bedroom with her night clothes and asked, “Are we staying here tonight?” This is something else that is not unusual. I have suspected that this occurs because we occasionally we stay in a hotel or the home of our daughter. It must not fully register than we are home.

Given the confusion of the day, one might think it might not have been a good day. But it was. I am glad. I’ll go to bed feeling good.

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Enjoying The Christmas Season

Kate and I returned from my doctor’s appointment almost two hours before we were to leave for Jazz Night at Casa Bella. She asked (with hand signals) if she could work in the yard. I told her she could. Then she asked (verbally), “Where should I start? In the front or in the back?” She said she hadn’t worked in the back as much; so I said, “Well, why don’t you start there?” As often happens, she came inside to the bathroom and then went to the front yard, forgetting entirely that she was going to the back. This is a regular pattern. She does work more in the front. I suspect that habit leads her to do it each time she goes out.

I called her inside in plenty of time to get ready to go out. I suggested that she change her clothes and told her I would pick out something for her. She accepted that very naturally without a complaint at all. I picked out a red sweater and a pair of black pants and put them on the bed in her room. She liked the selection. I left the room for her to change. A little while later, she came out wearing the same clothes she had been wearing before. I reminded her of the clothes I had picked out for her. She asked where they were. I took her back to her room and pointed them out. This time she got it. What makes this incident worth pointing out is that she was so accepting of my suggestions and help. This makes things easier for me, but as I always say, it signals further decline in her condition.

The evening at Casa Bella was everything I could have hoped for. The food was good, and the musicians excellent. It was a program with a lot of Christmas music. This was our fourth musical program in the past two weeks. We are definitely enjoying the season.

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The Power Of Music

We had a good day yesterday. As always, we enjoyed our lunch at the Bluefish Grill. Then we made our way to the Flat Rock Playhouse for “A North Carolina Christmas.” This turned out to be the best part of the day. The performers were all local area musicians. They were quite good. The style of the program reminded me of “A Prairie Home Companion” without the professionalism. We had heard two of the singers in several musicals in Knoxville. It was fun to see and hear them in another context. Kate loved every bit of it. That made my day since the sole reason I had made arrangements to attend was to provide her with something she would enjoy. Several times during the program the audience was invited to join in the singing. Kate sang, and I was pleased that she remembered the words to most of the songs.

That reminded me of our trip home from Memphis last week. As we were driving, I put on some fifties’ music. It had been a while since we had heard most of the music. Kate really liked it. I can’t say that she remembered a lot of the words to the songs, but she did remember key rephrases. It is obvious that music speaks in ways that ordinary conversation does not. That is especially true of music that is both familiar and well-liked.

Over the past few years, Kate has become very sensitive to a lot of the music that plays in restaurants. Almost every place we go, she complains about the choice of music. I wonder if I might have unintentionally influenced her in this direction. I love music and keep it on the car and at home. When she was having her early panic attacks, I started playing the second movement of Brahms’ Violin Concerto, something that I love and find very soothing. (These panic attacks have all been associated with her feeling rushed to get somewhere. I have tried not to push, but I have done so unintentionally a number of times.) She has never commented specifically, but it appears to me that when I play this in the car after her panic attack (and don’t talk), she calms down more quickly

That led me to create two playlists, each with very soft, gentle music. One is almost entirely classical. The other all popular music. I often play these while we are in the car. Again, she never says anything, but they seem to be soothing for both of us.

I would never say that our attendance at so many musical events has lessened the progression of her AD, but it has served both of us well. In my own case, I have found it to be an important and enjoyable therapy.

On the way home, we stopped for dinner at a popular restaurant east of Knoxville. As we walked up to the door, we noticed a man who looked very much like Santa sitting on a bench. Then I recognized him as a former client of mine. He had a stroke a couple of years ago and was unable to continue in his old position; so he retired. During the Christmas season, he enjoys playing Santa. We visited with him for about fifteen minutes or so while waiting for a table. I hadn’t seen him in quite a while and enjoyed hearing what he is up to. On top of that we had a terrific meal. It had been another good day.

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A Very Nice Sunday

From start to finish, Kate and I had a nice day today. I was up just before 6:00, had breakfast, took a 2.5-mile walk, and returned home before she was up. I checked email and worked on preparing this journal to post online by the end of January. Kate slept a little later; so we didn’t get to Panera until almost 10:00. That had been a typical time for us until the past couple of weeks before Thanksgiving. I think she is still recovering from the trip to Memphis.

One of the things that may have accounted for such a nice day was our schedule. It was broken into small chunks of activity. We spent about an hour and a half at Panera and then went straight to lunch. We arrived back at the house just before 1:00. As she usually does, Kate asked if she could work outside for a while. I told her I would be glad for her to do so. She expressed surprise once again. Then she asked if she could use her clippers. That’s when I reminded her that we couldn’t find them yesterday afternoon. I bought 3 new clippers two weeks ago. They have all “disappeared” now. I came inside to catch portions of two different football games. She worked almost two hours before coming in.

When she came inside, she said she was going to take a shower and then pointed to the bathroom off the guest room, the one she usually uses. A few minutes later she appeared wearing a different top and was all ready to go someplace.I asked if she would like to go to Barnes & Noble. She said, “Anyplace.” Off we went. About 4:30, I suggested we go home. That would give us about an hour before going to dinner. She accepted that.

She worked outside for almost an hour before coming in. By then it was time for dinner. We went out and returned home by 6:45. I suggested that I make a fire and that we both relax for a while. We did. Brian called about thirty minutes later. We had a nice conversation with him. When we hung up it was about time for us to call it an evening. I took my shower. She got ready for bed and worked on her iPad for another hour. Then retired for the evening.

I am now catching a little bit of the Packers/Steelers game. It has been a good day. We didn’t do anything elaborate, but we enjoyed the day and being together.