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Our Most Painful Moment

After coming home from dinner last night, Kate and I spent almost an hour in our family room relaxing. As usual, she worked on her iPad. I took the time to play a variety of music to see how she would react to a broader variety of music than I usually play for her. I (we) were having great success. That was followed by a very nice phone conversation with our son, Kevin. I think we may have talked almost an hour. When the call ended, Kate said, “Aren’t you proud of him?” I said, “Very proud.”

Shortly after Kevin’s call, we decided to get ready for bed. As I got up from my chair, Kate asked, “Where do we keep our clothes?” I said, “Let me show you.” This was the first time she has ever asked that, but it was consistent with other signs of confusion that I’ve observed recently. I took her back to the room where she keeps her clothes and helped her get a night gown. Then I went to take my shower, and she came back to the bedroom where she got into bed with her iPad.

Just before I got to get into bed, she looked up at me and asked, “What is your name?” She started to repeat it and then asked again. After I repeated my name, she said it. Then she asked, “What is my name?” I told her, and she said, “I don’t know why I am so confused.” This was the third time in the past few weeks that she has said this. The first time I told her she had Alzheimer’s. She told me she had forgotten she had it. The next time was during her first anxiety attack when she couldn’t remember who she is or where she was. That time I skirted the issue of Alzheimer’s and focused on calming her. At the time, I didn’t think there was anything to be gained by bringing up her diagnosis. I felt the immediate need was comfort.

Last night, I chose not to say anything about Alzheimer’s and seek to comfort her. This time, however, I was really torn between telling her about her diagnosis and not telling her. I said, “It is very common for us to have memory problems as we age. I think that is what you are experiencing. Whatever, I want you to know that I love you and will help you every step of the way.” She said, “That makes me feel better. I know I’ll get better.” I tried to avoid telling her she would get better and saying that whatever happened I would be with her. She said, “They say you shouldn’t rush it. If we just take it a little at a time.” We talked another 15-30 minutes. I lost track of the time. She repeatedly said she felt better knowing that I would help her. “I know it won’t happen right away. The doctor says we shouldn’t rush.”

Of all the things that might bother me in connection with caring for Kate, there is no question that seeing her suffer is far and away the most painful thing I can experience. I found this excruciating. Here she is 7 years and 8 months since her diagnosis and 12 years since we saw the first signs of her Alzheimer’s. She doesn’t know it is Alzheimer’s, but she truly knows that something is wrong with her, and it’s painful for her. I hate seeing this. Even recently, I had thought we might escape this part of the journey.

This experience and the earlier ones have caused me to reflect on the best way for me to handle them in the future. One thing is clear. I have been successful in addressing her immediate concern. In each case, I have been able to console her and make her feel better. I am still torn between being more honest with her about her Alzheimer’s and not. She is not the kind of person who wants to be deceived. She is the one who wanted to get the diagnosis in the first place. She even said that she was relieved with the doctor gave her the news because it helped her understand what was happening to her. Over the course of her illness, we have periodically talked about death. Both of us accept death as a part of life and don’t fear it or try to avoid conversations about it. In other words, she is not one to avoid the realities of life.

On the other hand, I believe in the importance of hope. I hear her, say things like, “I feel better now. I know you will help me. I’ll get my memory back. It just takes time.” Then I feel she has a hopeful approach that is healthy. I don’t want to risk destroying that sense of hope by telling her she has Alzheimer’s.

I’ve wrestled with this dilemma a good bit this morning. At this moment, I am leaning toward telling her but in a gentle way. In fact, I am thinking about utilizing what I have learned from Cornish’s book, The Dementia Handbook. Her main point is that we should accept the fact that the rational abilities of people with dementia no longer work the way they used to do. Instead, we should emphasize all of the things that they are able to do. Those are all things from which we derive direct pleasure through the experience of our senses. We have done just that throughout our journey, and I hope that we will continue for a good while longer.

Thus, I am thinking of telling Kate that her memory problem is a result of Alzheimer’s but that the good news is that we can continue to enjoy life the same way that we have done in the past – spending time with friends, attending musical events, theater and movies. In addition, I will be her helper when it comes to things that she needs to remember.

The counter argument is that we have been successful by emphasizing Kate’s intuitive abilities. It seems like trying to give a rational explanation runs counter to what she may need most, the knowledge that I will comfort her whatever happens.

I don’t intend to say anything until (unless) she has another episode like last night. Right now, she is up and seems not to have any memory of last night. I would have been very surprised if she had. Waiting to say anything will give me additional time to reflect on my decision. I don’t believe there is any way to determine in advance which is the right way to go. To tell or not to tell. That is the question.

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More Ups and Downs

Yesterday was a day of confusion for Kate. Once again, we had two bright spots that balanced the down moments. One of those came after we returned from her monthly massage. We went into the family room where I picked up the “Big Sister” album her brother, Ken, had made for her and asked if she would like to look at it. I was thinking specifically about the trouble she had been having remembering her family and thought this might jog her memory. It worked beautifully. I sat down beside her, and we went through the entire 140 pages. It brought back great memories. When we finished, she started over at the beginning. She must have spent a full hour and a half looking at the pictures and commenting.

It wasn’t long before it was time to get ready for another musical night at Casa Bella. The musicians, especially the male singer, have been longtime favorites for many years. They are a little younger than Kate and I, but they know the music of our generation. I don’t think there was a single number we didn’t know. It was another great evening.

After we were in bed and ready to go to sleep, Kate said, “What’s your name?” I said, “I’m Richard Creighton, and I am your husband. We’ve been married 55 years.” She said, “Are you sure? I don’t know you.” I assured her I was right, but she still wasn’t sure. She decided to test me. She asked where we got married. I told her. She was surprised when I mentioned the church. It was the one in which she grew up. She still wasn’t absolutely convinced, however, and looked a little suspicious. I told her I loved her. She almost always says she loves me. She didn’t this time. I asked if she loved me. She said, “I don’t know.” I reached my hand to touch her, and she moved it away. She was tired and wanted to go to sleep. She said, “We’ll talk about it tomorrow.” In a few minutes, I moved next to her and put my arm around her. She didn’t push me away. Neither one of us said another word.

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A Re-run of Last Night and More

On the way to lunch, Kate asked me my name. Nothing unusual about that. Then she asked her name. I said, “Kate Creighton.” She said, “Creighton? Where did that come from?” I told her she got that name when we married. She was surprised and said, “We’re married?” I told her we were and told her her full name in which I included her maiden name. She didn’t recognize it. I started telling her that was her family’s name as we arrived at the restaurant. When we got inside, I started explaining. Then she mentioned the name of one of her aunt’s. There was clearly a spark of recognition. At least one other time while we were eating, she asked my name again.

I mentioned something about our being married, and she said, “Do we have children?” I gave her their names and told her about them and their families including our grandchildren. It was like the first time she had ever heard about any of them.

When we got home, she asked, “Are you a cousin?” I said, “No.” She said, “A friend.” I said, “Yes, I like to think I am your best friend.” She said, “My husband?”

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Another Marker

Last night before turning on another segment of Fiddler on the Roof, Kate went to our bathroom to brush her teeth. As she passed me in my chair, she said, “Are you my cousin? . . .My brother? I said, “Closer than that.” She couldn’t guess. I said, “I’m your husband.” She said humorously, “My husband? Oh, I am in trouble.”

Over the past few days, she has appeared to be forgetting that I am her husband. It is obvious now. She is clearly forgetting we are married. At the rate things are going, that will soon be forgotten; however, I don’t expect this to change her feeling for me.

One reason I feel this way is that she still retains a strong attachment to me. I am a major source of her security at the moment. I have observed this in her growing dependence on me. More specifically, she verbally expresses this dependence. For example, when I returned home to relieve the sitter yesterday afternoon, she told me she was glad to see me. Two separate times she added, “I feel good when I am with you. I feel safe.” I don’t fully understand what makes her say she feels safe, but she doesn’t know where she is or who are the people around her but me. She knows that I provide the answers to her questions and control where and when we go places. I have become her lifeline. I don’t think I need it, but that provides an additional reason for me to do the very best I can to care for her.

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A Surprise in Our Name Game

Since we started living with Alzheimer’s, we (I) have experienced many ups and downs. Kate and I fortunate to have had far more of the former than the latter. I hope that comes through in my posts. Sometimes the downs surprise me because they are so unexpected. That was the case at lunch today.

Shortly after we were seated, Kate asked, “What is your name?” She had asked that several times while we were at Panera before leaving for lunch. Then she asked, “What is my name?” I told her, and she asked, “Where are we?” I told her we were in Knoxville. I said that because that is usually what she wants to know. She frowned. I had obviously misread her. Then I said, “We’re at Tupelo Grill .” She frowned again. I decided she must mean “Where is our house.” At first, I just told her the general area in which our house is located. That was closer to what she wanted. Then I gave her the address. That worked.

Except for the part about our address, this part of our game was pretty normal. Then it took a sharp turn. She said, “What do I do?” I said, “Well, you were a school librarian.” Her eyes lit up. She didn’t seem to have remembered that. Then I said, “What you enjoyed the most and did the longest was to serve as our church librarian. You served as a volunteer for 19 years, and you were very good at it.”

This failure to remember having been a librarian took me by surprise, and I felt one of those moments of sadness that come along more often now than I would like. It was one thing when she started having trouble with our children’s names. Then it was my name. She is now having trouble remembering her own name. Not remembering that she was a librarian is not just forgetting a label. This is forgetting a major part of her self-identity.

It is not surprising that this would happen at some point, but I hadn’t anticipated its coming this soon. Like the other things that she is forgetting, I know this was just a single moment. This might not happen again for a while. On the other hand, that is exactly how everything else has started, little slips that occur once in a while. Once this process begins, it doesn’t let up.

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In a Cheerful Light-Hearted Mood Yesterday

Kate got up on her own around 10:00 yesterday. We were too late for Panera but right on time for lunch. One of the first things she asked when we got in the car was, “What is your name – whoever you are?” I told her. She must have asked the same question another two or three times before we arrived at the restaurant. Although she had originally asked in a light-hearted way, she was clearly serious about not being able to remember it. I said, “I guess you remember that we are married.” She looked shocked, and said, “We are?” In a few minutes, she said, “I guess we have children.” I told her we did and then expected her to ask about them. Surprisingly, she didn’t.

We came back home after lunch, and Kate went right to our bedroom and napped for over an hour. When she got up, she was ready to go. We left for Barnes & Noble. We had been in the car only a minute or two when she asked my name and then where I was from. A few minutes after that, she said, “Do you know my name?” I told her. Before we arrived a Barnes & Noble, she asked my name again. She asked again at least two more times while we were seated. At one point, I was pretty sure that she was just playing games with me and that she really remembered my name. I am equally sure that most of the time she didn’t.

I received a phone call from a friend we see at Panera. She is in a Bible study group that meets on Tuesday mornings. We often chat briefly with her as well as the man who leads the group. She said that several people had asked about us. She specifically mentioned a man with whom I have had quite a few conversations over the past few years. I have his phone number and called him. I reassured him that we were all right but that Kate’s sleep pattern has been changing. I hope this won’t be the end of this friendship. It is not the same as longtime friends that you have gotten together with over the years, but it has been a meaningful relationship. I don’t want it to end.

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Always Adapting

Every caregiver of a loved one with dementia knows it is helpful to adapt to the changes that confront us. I get that, but I don’t adapt at the first signs of change. In fact, I often work hard not to give in to the changes that are required. Giving in has its benefits though. The big one is that you don’t have to fret over the fact that what you want isn’t going to happen.

That’s my introduction to the change I made yesterday. You may have read one or two posts in the past few weeks that conveyed my desire for Kate to get up early on the days we have a sitter, especially on Monday when the sitter arrives at noon. I started our custom of going to Panera each morning so that Kate could get a muffin. As we became acquainted with the staff and some of the regulars, I felt the social encounters we had were good for her. It has been a time that the two of us could share a pleasant social experience that was easy for Kate.

Earlier this summer when she started sleeping later in the morning, we had less time for Panera and sometimes missed it altogether and went straight to lunch. That didn’t present a problem for Kate. She has never expressed any disappointment about missing her muffin, Panera, or the social experiences we had there. That wasn’t true for me, however. I had grown accustomed to spending one or two hours a morning with her in a social setting. I wasn’t even eating. I just had my coffee. The difficult part was giving up the social experience. Originally, I took Kate to Panerea for her, but, ultimately, I found it was as much or more for me.

Yesterday I decided I would not rush her, but I did make an attempt to wake her in time for me to take her to lunch at Panera. She had no interest in getting up, so I decided to let her sleep. I would just ask the sitter to take her to lunch for me. Having made that decision, I relaxed and went about my business. That is the big benefit of letting go. I’m not going to fret over this. From now on, we’ll go to Panera if she is up in time. Otherwise, I’ll let the sitter take her. By the way, as it turned out, Kate did get up in time for me to take her to lunch. It was almost 11:30 by then, so I called the sitter and asked her to meet us at Panera.

That only takes care of three days a week when the sitter comes. There are still four other days. There have been at least two or three days lately when we didn’t get to lunch until close to 2:00. Since I am usually up between 5:30 and 6:00, I eat an early breakfast. I’m ready for lunch between 11:30 and noon. It would be no problem to wait until 1:00, but 2:00 is stretching it. The most obvious solution to this problem is to keep something in the house to either substitute for my lunch with Kate or tide me over until then. I think I’ll just take this one day at a time. In the meantime, I’ve been snacking on a little granola. That seems to work for a limited time.

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Increasing Dependence and Confusion

After returning from lunch yesterday, Kate and I took a moment for a break at home before the arrival of the sitter. A few minutes before Mary arrived, Kate walked into the kitchen with her iPad tucked under her arm and carrying her cup. She was obviously ready to leave for Panera or Barnes & Noble. I told her that I was going to the Y and run some errands. She quickly, but meekly like a child, said, “Can I come with you?” I told her that Mary would be staying with her. She accepted that without a problem. It wasn’t long before the doorbell rang. Kate said, “Who is that?” I told her it was probably Mary who was coming in at that very moment. We both greeted her, and Kate seemed fine. Then I said I was going to the Y. Once again, Kate asked if she could go with me. I told her that Mary would be with her. She said, “What if I want something to eat?” I reminded her that Mary has a card she can use at Panera to buy whatever she wants. Again, she seemed to accept that without any questions. Then I left.

When I returned, she and Mary were in the family room with the TV on. Kate was working jigsaw puzzles on her iPad. Mary left. I walked over to Kate’s chair and kneeled so that I could look directly in her eyes. I told her I was glad to see her and that I loved her. She said, “I love you too even if I don’t know who you are.” I said, “I think you really know who I am, but you have trouble remembering my name. Isn’t that right?” She looked very puzzled but didn’t speak. I said, “You do remember that I am your husband, don’t you?” She didn’t answer. Then I said, “Knowing my name is not very important. You do know that you have known me a long time. We’ve been married 55 years, but it’s not important that you remember that. The important thing is that we love each other and that we can enjoy our lives together.” She nodded. The way she had responded or failed to respond to my questions makes me think that the connection with my name is almost gone and that her awareness of the nature of our relationship (that is, that I am her husband) is disappearing as well. I really do take comfort in the fact that we will still be able to enjoy our lives together, but there is no denying that we are in the process of a significant change. I didn’t need anything to convince me of that, but there was still more to come.

We went out for our Friday night pizza. When we got home, she wanted to brush her teeth. She stopped as she entered our family room and said, “I’ll follow you.” This is the second time recently that she has done this. She just didn’t remember how to get there. We went back to the family room after brushing our teeth. I turned on the evening news. She worked on her iPad.

About thirty minutes passed, when she asked for my help with her puzzle. She has been doing this more frequently in the past few weeks, especially the past week. She had completed all but 4 pieces of a 16-piece puzzle. Before I could do anything to help, she said, “Just complete it for me.” I did, and helped her get another puzzle. She was having a problem figuring out how to do it. This is a new problem.

I was seated across from her writing this post when I noticed that she was sitting in her chair with a confused look. I decided it would be good for her to take a break and enjoy something more passively. I suggested we go to our bedroom and watch a little of Les Miserables. She liked the idea.

She was quickly engaged and enjoying herself. It was just as though this were the first time she had seen it, not the fifth time in five weeks. We took a break at the intermission. She asked, “Where are we?” I said, “Knoxville, Tennessee.” In a moment, she asked, “If someone asked me where I live, what should I say?” I said, “I would say that I live in Knoxville, Tennessee. We’ve lived here a long time. I was an English teacher and then a school librarian before retiring and serving nineteen years as our church’s librarian.”

That led her to talk again about our good fortune to find each other and how much we enjoyed the same things. I told her I felt the same way. Then I took my shower, and she put on her night gown. When we were ready for the next half, she was tired and went to bed. It was before 9:00, so I stayed up a while. I offered to turn off the TV, but she said she was enjoying listening to the music. In a few minutes, I got in bed with her. She kept repeating how much she liked the fact that we both liked things like this and could share them together. This is something she has picked up from me. I was glad to see that it must have had an impact. Otherwise, she would never have remembered it. I am especially glad that we have had the good fortune to share a love for this particular musical. I don’t think I would have ever played it five times in five weeks were it not for her, but I have enjoyed it every bit as much as she.

I was glad we were able to end the day on a high note. I still feel sad about her increasing confusion and loss of of memory, but I treasure her moments of pleasure. They are mine as well.

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More of the Same

Yesterday was a day for the sitter, so I was eager to see if I needed to wake Kate for lunch. I didn’t. She got up a little earlier than I would have liked, but we didn’t have enough time to go to Panera. We went directly to lunch. She was very unsure of herself when she was getting dressed. I had gone back to check on her. She didn’t want me to leave until she had put everything on. This is another sign of her growing dependence on me. The past two days I have been putting her clothes out for her. She hasn’t complained. That tells me that she finds it helpful. It removes the burden of choosing what to wear, something she has always preferred to do.

As soon as we got home from lunch, she said she wanted to rest a while. She was in bed when Mary arrived and came to the bedroom to say hello. Kate greeted her warmly and expressed no discomfort that I was leaving. I came back an hour early yesterday to meet an electrician to fix an electrical outage in our bedroom. I was surprised to find that Kate was still in bed though awake. Mary said she had been there the entire time she was there. That was three hours. It is very rare for her to rest that long. It makes me think she felt uneasy with Mary. I don’t mean that there is a particular problem with Mary herself but that her comfort level is greater with me. This seems to be occurring with her growing dependence on me.

As soon as Kate knew I was home and that Mary had left, she had her iPad under her arm and was ready to leave the house. I told her we needed to let the electrician finish his work. He did that quickly. He found the problem was a short in our ceiling fan. I’ll need to buy a new one. He disconnected the fan to prevent any further problem. Although it was getting close to dinner time, we dropped by Panera for about thirty minutes.

We finished the day by watching another portion of Les Miserables. That seemed like the best part of her day. At least, it produces the greatest emotional response from her, and it’s all positive. I wonder if or when she will tire of seeing it. Until then, I find this a great way to entertain her for an hour or so. Last night, I actually stopped it because I thought she needed to get to bed to make it easier for her to get up this morning.

She asked my name several times yesterday. One of those came right after telling me she loved me. This is not the first time I have observed this juxtaposition of comments. It always surprises me. It is another good example of the difference in one’s memory of names from her feelings.

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Memory Loss

Kate is moving quickly to a complete loss of names. At lunch and on the way home today, she quizzed me about my name, her parents’ names, and our children’s names. It isn’t as thought this is the first time, but she seems to be struggling even more now. I don’t mean that she expressed any outward frustration over her obvious memory loss. She didn’t. It was the whole nature of the conversation that made her efforts seem like a quiet struggle.

She began by asking my name. When I told her, she asked me to repeat it again. Then she tried without success. At one point, I said, “Could I ask your name?” She had to think a minute before answering, but she got it.

Then I asked if there were any other names she would like me to help her with, “like our children’s names.” She said, “We have children?” I told her we did and proceeded to tell her their names and where they live and about their spouses and children. Her eyes began to glaze over. I said, “I think I may be covering too much.” She nodded agreement.

When we got up to leave the restaurant, she said, “What is his name?” I didn’t know who she was talking about and asked her. She said, “The one you were talking to.” It had been about ten minutes since I had introduced her to someone I knew from UT and the symphony. She was frustrated and said, “You could help me if you just gave a straight answer instead of going off on these other things.” I backed off, and nothing more was said. This is not the first time I have asked her to explain something she has said. I don’t think she has ever explained. She just drops it. I think it is too hard for her to remember what she was trying to say.

On the way home, she told me that she wanted to take a nap when we got home. Sometimes she says this but forgets. Today she got in bed after brushing her teeth. She was in bed when the sitter arrived.

She continues to pick up things, mostly clothes, and take them in the car with us. Today she brought a wool turtle neck sweater and a pair of brown shoes. Getting out of the car a the restaurant, she asked about taking the sweater inside. I told her I didn’t think she would need it. She left it. When we got home, she asked if she should take the sweater inside. I told her that would be a good idea and suggested taking in her brown shoes as well. I brought in two decorative pillows from our bed that she had brought with her the other day.

This morning she had rummaged through one of the drawers in my bedside table. I didn’t see anything he had taken out, but I have recently found several things she has taken out of these drawers. My suspicion is thatn she  is confusing my table with the one she has on her side of the bed. That reminds me that the other night she got in bed on my side without any awareness she had done so.