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Expressions of Love Through Caregiving

It’s a quiet Sunday morning. I’ve had breakfast and my morning walk. As always, Kate is still asleep. Being a music lover, I have some of my favorite music playing on my audio system as I fold clothes that I didn’t get around to folding yesterday. I gather each of Kate’s tops, pants, robes, and socks and put them in their appropriate places. I return to the kitchen where yesterday I had carefully placed her underwear on a towel to dry. Now I fold them and put them in the drawer where historically Kate has kept them. Now they could make their way to almost any other place in the house. I place them neatly in the drawer even though I know they won’t stay that way long.

As I do this, I think about the fact that I didn’t even know how to run the washer just a few years ago. I think about my dad who cared for my mom who had dementia. He must have been doing these same kind of things for her though I never heard him say a word about it. I was with them almost every day, and I never imagined the things he was doing. He did it because he loved her. They met in the ninth grade and were together until Mom died at 87.

I also think about the other caregivers who right now are doing similar things for their loved ones. They, too, do it out of love. I know. I feel the same way. I am glad I can do it. What a nice morning.

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Challenges of Caregiving

There is nothing especially new to report, but I have been thinking about the challenges I and other caregivers have that other people might not think of. One of those is getting settled into doing something and then having to make a change. That happens when Kate is tired of doing what she was doing before I am finished with what I was doing. When that happens, I start to get my things together to go out (usually to Panera). That often happens in the morning when I am up and ready before she is. I let her sleep as long as she wants. Sometimes she gets up and dressed without my realizing it. When this happens, she walks into the kitchen (which is my office) and is ready to walk out the door. She gets a little irritated when I have to get my computer packed up as well as getting a cup for her as well as her iPad. I think of this as humorous given that I have usually been waiting quite a while for her to get ready.

Once we get to Panera she only wants to stay for about an hour, sometimes less and occasionally longer. In either case, I get engaged in something on computer. Periodically, I am interrupted by the need to help her recover a puzzle on which she had been working. I am getting used to these interruptions and find that they don’t present a serious problem. It does, however, require shifting back and forth in order to satisfy her need for a change.

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Anxiety

One of the things that Barry Peterson touched on his book was the impact of caregiving on the caregiver. I have tended to minimize that, but during the past week or so I have experienced a sense of anxiety. It manifests itself in physical symptoms that have seemed either like a type of indigestion or angina. I have been doing my own self-diagnosis. At least 3 times I have felt it serious enough to take an extra aspirin when feeling symptoms. At other times I have taken Pepcid.

At this moment, I am feeling better. I do have a funny feeling that seems to be located in my esophagus above the level of my heart. Last night when I got into bed, I felt as though my heart rate had increased. I can only describe this as anxiety. I got up, took a Benadryl, ran in place for about 15 minutes, and got back into bed. I went to sleep rather quickly and slept well until Dad called at 4:27 this morning. As he does so often, he didn’t say a word. I would love to watch him when this occurs. What I imagine is that he is holding the phone out in front of him and can’t hear me say hello several times. When I have been with him I notice that he sometimes holds the phone upside down against his ear. Other times he holds the phone up to the side of his head but not over the ear.

This makes 2 days in a row that he has awakened me early. Yesterday morning he called at 3:30 and then again at 3:50. It was very difficult to understand him, but I got the message that he thought this was the end and wanted to say good bye and that he loved me. I never got back to sleep after that. I am getting to the point of debating about whether to tell him not to call unless he has some emergency, but I don’t want to prevent his calling if he really needs something. That does occur sometimes, but most of the time he simply wants to report that they haven’t brought him his breakfast or that nobody is around. I then tell him the reason is that it is the middle of the night and that he should just go back to sleep.

The point of my writing, however, is simply to say that I seem to be experiencing anxiety connected with all the things I have to do. Fortunately, business is better but I do have responsibilities for several other things – our music club, Rotary, the foundation, Sunday School, and another church responsibility I have just accepted. All that and being responsible for Kate and the household things as well as planning for Dad’s birthday party, our trip to NYC and our anniversary trip has made my plate pretty full.