At Home at Chautauqua

We arrived at Chautauqua yesterday afternoon around 3:00 p.m. We are staying in a new place this year, the Rose Cottage. It is a bit small but works well for us. The location couldn’t be better. We’re about 75 yards from the Amp (Amphitheater) and directly across the street from the Brick Walk Café where I get my coffee each morning along with muffins for both of us.

At dinner at the Brick Walk Café, Kate approached a couple at a table and asked if we could join them. Naturally, they accepted. It turned out to be a great Chautauqua experience. They are very interesting people from New Hampshire. This is their first time here. The husband has had a strong interest in Thomas Edison since he was six. They are here because Edison was married to one of the founders of Chautauqua. His wife is a musician. She taught music in the school system and also plays the piano, organ, and harp.

Our entertainment last night was The Temptations and The Four Tops, both Motown groups from the 50s and 60s. Kate really enjoyed herself despite being hot and the music loud. I believe she is so into performances that these things didn’t matter.

We’ve encountered no problems so far. I have told two of our neighbors and he owners of the Rose Cottage about Kate so that they will be attentive if they observe anything unusual.

The scariest thing that has happened so far, and I am at fault.

Tonight Kate and I went to the Royal George Theater in Niagara-on-the-Lake, Ontario to see Shaw’s Mrs. Warren’s Profession. I had forgotten until we arrived at the theater that I could not get seats together. I gave Kate the seat on Row C, Seat 19 while I took Row J, Seat 10. Knowing that Kate might be confused in locating her seat, I went with her along with the usher to Row C. The usher walked in front of her. I walked behind. There was only one empty seat, #19, and it was the third seat in from the aisle where we were standing. Both the usher and I pointed to the seat that was hers. Then I left to find my seat.

At the end of the first half, I got up to see if Kate would like something to drink. Most of the people were coming out; so I had to wait a few minutes before proceeding to her seat. When I got there, her seat was empty. I was surprised because I couldn’t understand how she had gotten past me. That led me to go back to the lobby. I didn’t see her there. Then I went outside where many of the audience were passing time. She was nowhere to be found. I asked one of the ushers if she had seen her. No luck. Then I went back outside and saw the woman whose seat was beside Kate’s on the left. She didn’t recall seeing Kate get up and didn’t seem to remember seeing Kate at all. I went downstairs to the ladies room. There was a long line. I waited a while. She didn’t come out. The woman seated next to Kate came down. I asked her to see if Kate were in the restroom. She was not.

I watched as the audience returned to their seats and they were about to close the doors. The theater manager held them open a little longer thinking she might show up. I couldn’t imagine that, but I appreciated their efforts. I told the manager I would go back to our hotel to see if she had gone there. I knew she would be unable to find it on her own but thought someone might have helped her find it. I also knew she wouldn’t remember the name of the hotel.

As I started walking, I turned on my phone. I saw that I had received a call from a Niagara-on-the-Lake number. It came in at exactly 8:45. Intermission was not until 9:00 or shortly thereafter. There was no voicemail message; so I called the number. It was 9:23. No one answered. I called just about every extension. I did, however, get the name of the place from which the call was made; so I walked 3 blocks down the street to the hotel.

There were two people at the desk. One of them was the person who had called. She said Kate had come into the hotel lobby and was looking at some printed materials they had on display. Megan was on the phone at the time. When she got off, she asked Kate if she could help her. Kate said that she and I were staying at the hotel. The woman checked the guest list, and we were not on it. Kate said she must have been mistaken. She asked the woman to call my cell which she did. She said she thought Kate had talked with me because she gave the phone back, thanked her, and then went outside presumably to meet me. The employee felt terrible about letting her get away. I tried to reassure her and told her if anyone were to blame, it is I. She stayed with me for about an hour after that. During that time we went back to the theater where the manager was standing outside looking for anyone fitting Kate’s description.

Before we left, we called 911. I gave all the information to the woman who answered the phone. I did the same thing when the police arrived. They had several cars. Three or four of the officers walked the streets checking on her. They had also put out the word to be looking for her. Fortunately, I had two pictures of her today in the clothes she was wearing. I was able to share them with the police though as it turned out that was not necessary.

The theater manager was quite helpful. She decided to lock the side doors of the theater and have everyone walk out the front entrance. She stood on one side. I stood on the other. We were looking to see if Kate had someone come back into the theater. No such luck.

One of the officers and I did a search of the ground level of our hotel in case she had come back there. We did not find a sign of her. No one at the hotel had seen her. Finally, the officer said he felt he should go out on the streets with the other officers to continue the search. He told me I should stay at the hotel in case she came back there. I stood outside the hotel as the officer walked away. Before he was out of sight, he turned around and came back toward me. He had his cell phone to his ear. When he was close enough for me to hear, he said, “They found her. They’re bringing her here right now.”

When Kate arrived in the police car, I asked where they had found her. He said she was in the tavern of a hotel down the street drinking a glass of water. Kate was as “cool as a cucumber.” She told the police officer that “My husband can tell you I’m not good with directions.” She said she never panicked during the whole time. I don’t know how long that was, but it appears from the people who were sitting on either side of her in the theater that she never sat down. That would have been a few minutes before 8:00. They found her about 11:15. Even the woman at the hotel corroborated her story that she was cool. She said that she would never have guessed that Kate has Alzheimer’s and that she seemed at ease. There was no sign of alarm.

Kate and I talked about the events of the night back in our hotel room. I said, “Well, we’ll have quite a story to tell.” She told me she did just what I had always told her, “Just stay in one place. I will find you.” She said she talked with a number of people in the tavern, and they were very nice.

I also told her I thought that it would be good for her to carry something with her that would have my cell phone number and the place we were staying. She agreed that was a good idea. I thought she might balk at that. The interesting thing is that I had brought some of my business cards with me along with a plastic case attached to a lanyard just for this purpose.

So how or why did it happen? I’ll never know exactly, but here is my best guess. Although I explained that we were sitting separately and went with her to her seat, I think she simply forgot even though it had been only moments before. She must have looked around before going to take her seat and wondered where I was. Thinking that she had walked away from me, she went to find me.

I feel like saying, “You can’t imagine my relief,” but I suspect you might have a sense of it. It was a nightmare. I consider it a major error on my part and feel rotten about it.

It is now 12:43 am. Kate is asleep. I am about to join her, but I just had to get this down while everything is fresh on my mind. Now if I can just get to sleep.

A Very Good Weekend

Saturday morning, Kate and I made our customary trip to Panera where Kate got her blueberry muffin. We were there about an hour before we decided to eat lunch there as well. During lunch, I looked for a movie and found a movie called Me Before You. It hadn’t gotten rave reviews from the critics, but most audience reviewers liked it. We decided to try it. We came home and had a little time for Kate to rest a little. Before 6:00 we went out for pizza. It was just a simple day, but we both commented on what a nice day it had been.

Yesterday was a little fuller. Kate slept later than usual, and I simply relaxed listening to sacred music, checking email, posting a father’s day note about my dad, and reading the paper. The big event was a trip to visit Ellen and our friends the Davises in Nashville.

We reached Ellen’s place about 1:00 and stayed until 3:30. It was a very good visit. In the past, Kate has felt that other people tend to look at me more than at her. I think this occurred yesterday, but I found myself looking at Kate when Ellen would look at me. I think this helped. A couple of times I asked Kate if she would like to tell Ellen something about our trip to Lubbock or something else. In each instance, Kate said, “No, why don’t you tell her.” This has not happened much in the past. I couldn’t help thinking that it represents her awareness that she can’t remember enough to put herself in a spot like that. I don’t think Ellen thought a thing about it. It was done very naturally.

Kate and Ellen had an interesting exchange that didn’t go very far, but I thought it was going to be a little like the conversation that might occur in a support group. Ellen expressed her frustration over not being able to get her brain to come with the right words to say when she is talking. Kate said she had similar problems. They said just a few things back and forth and then moved on. On future visits, I may attempt to encourage this kind of conversation.

This was the first time we had seen Ellen since she had her seizure a month ago. I thought that her speech had worsened since then. On the other hand, I thought her walking had improved. She walked across the room quickly and showed no sign of imbalance. She said she is now using a cane instead of her walker.

From Ellen’s we went to visit Ann and Jeff Davis. Then we went out to eat together. During dinner, Ann and Kate talked to each other quite a bit. That gave Jeff and me time to talk ourselves. I told him that I was happy to see Kate have this time with Ann. We went back to their house after dinner and remained there for about an hour. Once again, there was plenty of time for Kate and Ann to talk. On the way home, Kate commented on what a good visit it had been with both Ellen as well as Ann and Jeff. I wholeheartedly agree. It was a tonic for Kate.

Today we met Evelyn, our decorator, at a tile shop where we picked out the tile and granite counter top for our master bath. Kate told me in advance that she would let me handle things. I told her I wanted to make sure we picked out things that she would like as well. When we got into looking at options and talking about the details, Kate walked around. This is something that she would have been leading if this were ten years ago. Now she seemed as though she were not interested. On the other hand, she did express pleasure on the things we picked out. Tomorrow morning we are meeting Evelyn to pick out the toilet, sinks, and fixtures. Kate did say she would like to go. I am glad, but I suspect that she will not have much to offer. Perhaps I will be wrong.

Talked with Lois

I called Lois Thomas about an hour ago. She said, “My immediate thought was, ‘Oh, no. Not Kate.'” We chatted about 10 minutes until Kate came in the room. Lois is a talkative, strong woman. She then launched into giving me advice about taking care of myself. She let me know that her father had died taking care of his wife. I was able to shorten the lecture when Kate entered the kitchen

Since Kate still wants to be very private about her AD, I have to be careful with phone calls. I have to plan carefully to make them while Kate is working outside or resting. I would probably call more people if I didn’t have to be so careful. Like some other things I have mentioned, it will be easier for me later on; however, that will be because Kate is worse. I don’t like the tradeoff.

First Noticeable Slip

As I had expected, Kate never wished me a happy birthday yesterday. I showed her cards from Jesse and her boys as well as a Facebook post of Kevin’s. He had posted a picture of the two of us that was taken in March when we visited former piano teacher. He added this nice message. “Happy Birthday today and Father’s Day on Sunday to my dad and my earthly hero.” Kate enjoyed seeing the cards and Kevin’s post, but she never mentioned my birthday. I suspect she never quite realized it was my birthday. Whatever the reason, it says something about her present condition and makes me sad.

Last night we went to dinner at Hathaway’s. When we got up to leave, we saw Cal and Lois Thomas sitting in a nearby booth. They asked us to sit down for a minute, and we did. We have known them since my early days on the faculty at UT. Cal was in the political science department. Their daughter, a friend of Kevin’s, died in April. We visited her in the hospital the afternoon before she died. The next day we ran into them at lunch which was just a few hours after their daughter had died. We also attended the memorial service later that week. We spoke with both Lois and Cal at that time.

That sets the stage for last night’s slip. As we prepared to leave, Kate said, Say hello, to your daughter.” There was a moment of silence. I then said that Polly had passed away. Kate showed surprise and said, “I didn’t know.” Lois then told her she had died in April. Lois is a former nurse who spent her career mostly as executive director of the Tennessee Nurses Association. I feel sure that she understood about Kate. Nonetheless, I intend to call her today to explain.

Progress on the clothes front

As I have so often mentioned, one of my biggest challenges has involved Kate’s clothes. Recently, she has been more willing to accept my help in selecting clothes as well as my asking her to change when I think what she has selected/put on is not appropriate for the occasion. I have two examples from this morning. She met me in the family room dressed in a shirt that she wears to work in the yard and a nice pair of slacks. I suggested that the slacks were too nice for the yard. She went back to change. I went with her and found an appropriate pair for the yard. I told her I was ready to take her to Lowe’s anytime she wanted. We came back from Lowe’s about 10:30 and decided to take an early lunch. She was dressed in her yard clothes. (I thought she was not even well-dressed for Lowe’s, but I let this go.) She came in and took a shower, then changed clothes. When she was ready to go, she was wearing an old matching sweatshirt and pants. Obviously not summer attire (the high today is supposed to reach 97). They didn’t look much better than what she had on previously. I reminded her that we were going to lunch. I would have been surprised if she had remembered. I told her we should look for something else to wear. I went to our bathroom where she had hung a top before we went to Texas. Then I found the pair of slacks I had asked her not to wear in the yard. I gave them to her. She said, “This is what you want me to wear?” I said yes. She said, “Gotcha.” This is a real achievement. She offered no complaints or resisted in any way. This is progress for me, but I know this is a step back for her. I wish it could be otherwise.

Back from Lubbock

We had a smooth trip back home on Wednesday. The only problem we encountered was that Kate left her iPad in the rental car. Unfortunately, we didn’t discover that she didn’t have it until we were already through security and settled in for lunch before our flight. I had what you might call a “false memory” experience. I was sure that I had seen her with it in her hand while we were in the security line. Had I thought about its being left in the car, I would have been less concerned because I would have thought the possibility of getting it back were greater than in the airport. As it turned out, I contacted the TSA at the security check point. They had not seen it. I also spoke with the airport lost and found office. They did not have it either. We got home assuming that we might not get it back. Yesterday morning I got a call from Avis informing me that they had found it. They sent it yesterday for delivery today.

This was a reminder of how important the iPad is to Kate. I was glad that I had mine along. She used it on the trip and continues to use it at home until hers arrives today.

Today is my birthday. Of course, Kate will not be able to remember. I did write it on our daily memo pad that I keep on the island in the kitchen. Every morning I write down all of our obligations including things that I am doing. For example, I write down the time I am going for my walk as well as my time to return, Today is a free day. We don’t have anything on our agenda. I just wrote down. “Richard’s Birthday.” It doesn’t bother me that she doesn’t remember except for its indicating something about the state of her mind. That does sadden me. It is not just that she doesn’t remember. It is when she doesn’t seem to care that is more troublesome for me.

Going Home

This is a travel day for us. We have had a good time in Lubbock with our son and his family. Though Kate has shown some confusion, she has enjoyed herself. That is what I was hoping for.

This morning after she got up she asked me if it would be all right for her to take a shower in our bathroom. I told her I thought she should just take a shower right here. The she said, “Are they still here?” I said, “We are in Lubbock. We are staying in the Residence Inn, and we are flying back to Knoxville today. She said, “Oh.”

A few minutes later, she asked about her clothes. I gave her a pair of slacks that I had put out last night. Then I opened a drawer and pulled out a top for her to wear. She said, “No wonder I couldn’t find anything. You were hiding it from me.” This was said in a neutral tone. She didn’t appear to be seriously complaining.

She saw me packing her suitcase but didn’t say anything. It was as though this is a normal routine for us. As I indicated in an earlier post when we left Knoxville, this will make things easier for me, but it is sad to see that she is relinquishing things like this. It is a sign of her decline.

More Evidence of Confusion

We are in our hotel room where I have been checking email, Facebook, and looking at the Alzheimer’s caregivers forum. Kate rested about 30-40 minutes. A few minutes ago she picked up her iPad. She is working on it while still in bed. She said, “I’m glad to rediscover this room.” I said, “You are?” She smiled and said, “With your help.” I didn’t pursue this. She is happy. I didn’t want to confront her with the knowledge that she was imagining she was at home. This is just one more sign of her confusion which is intensifying.

My Bad (again)

About 15 minutes before we were to leave for Kate’s PEO meeting, I went back to her office/dressing room. I found that she had already dressed and was wearing a top that I didn’t think was suitable for her meeting. I told her I had several others she might choose from that would be better. I brought them to her, and she picked one out. I left her to change tops while I put the other two back in my closet. A few minutes later Kate came out with a totally different top that I thought was not as suitable as the one she had previously picked out. I said, “You didn’t wear the top you picked out.” She was horribly frustrated and asked, “Where is it?” She became emotional and started crying. I went to her room and picked up the top she had originally chosen and brought it to her. She continued to be upset as we drove away. I decided that I should put on some relaxing music to calm her as we drove. When I turned on the audio system, it was set on high volume and I was unable to turn it down quickly enough. She is very sensitive about sudden noises, especially loud one. I apologized. She said, “You always do that.” So this was a case of my adding insult to injury. I didn’t handle this well though my intentions were good.