Anxiety: Mine, Not Kate’s: Part 1

Some of you may have noticed that I’ve been quiet over the past week. I usually blame that on being busy, but that is only a part of the reason this time. Let me explain.

I should preface the story by saying that as an adult, I have been attentive to my health and wellbeing. As early as my freshman year in college, I was active in the gym. At that time, I was into weightlifting. I bulked up to 198 pounds, but muscle accounted for a lot of that. I put exercise aside the rest of undergraduate and graduate school. That extended another 5-7 years when I launched a 10-year career teaching college.

During my first two years, I felt that college teaching was not the best fit for me. Finding something else that was more to my liking and talents required time and effort. That proved to be stressful. I took up running. I continued that for about 10-15 years before having some hip trouble. Then I took up walking. Once my business was going in the mid-80s, I joined the Y and have continued to the present time.

I didn’t give a lot of thought to what I eat until Kate was pregnant with our first child. She had gestational diabetes. Her doctor put her on a high protein diet. I went on it with her. Since then I have been more careful about what I eat. Over the years, my waist had grown, but my weight has gone down. I am almost 30 pounds lighter than I was during my senior year in high school.

I mention all this to say that I take my health seriously. It’s one of my OCD tendencies. I am also very sensitive to the impact that caregiving has on one’s health. During the 9 ½ years since Kate’s diagnosis, I have made numerous changes to minimize or reduce stress. Notable examples would be reducing, then ceasing, travel and engaging the help of sitters for Kate three afternoons a week. Another big step was making a commitment to move to a continuing care retirement community the first part of 2021.

Over the past year, Kate has required much more of my time than before. That has been especially true since sheltering in place. These things have clearly raised my level of stress.

That brings me to the past week. Three weeks ago, I had a routine telemedicine appointment with my doctor. He mentioned that I ought to take my blood pressure readings periodically. I didn’t get around to it; however, last Wednesday, I felt under more stress than usual. That made me think about my blood pressure. Although I have been a regular blood donor and then a platelet donor, I hadn’t taken it at home in years. I located my BP monitor that night.

The next morning, I had that same feeling as I walked from the bedroom to the kitchen to get my breakfast. I took by blood pressure. It was about 135/85. That may not be high in general, but it was most unusual for me. I have been on BP medication for ten years or more and my readings have always been about 110-120/70-80.

I ate breakfast and then took my regular morning walk. I walked 50 minutes and took my BP again. It was about the same. By 11:20, I had taken several other measures, all were within normal levels.

Then I went to the bedroom to get Kate up. She didn’t want to get up. I got in bed with her and remained with her for almost 40 minutes. She still didn’t want to get up.

When I got up, I took another reading. This time it had jumped back to 138/85. I relaxed in Kate’s recliner and played some soft music. That dropped the reading to 118/78. I took seven other readings between 12:30 and 7:30. They were all normal.

Friday morning before breakfast, my BP was 151/78. That got my attention. That made me wonder if I might be in the early stage of a heart attack. I thought about the symptoms I could remember. I didn’t seem to have any of them. I went to the computer to look for others.

I still didn’t have any of the signs of a heart issue; nevertheless, I started to think about going to the hospital to be checked. Then I thought about Kate. I knew hospitals had not been allowing family members to be with the patient. I also knew that I couldn’t leave Kate alone. I called the agency that provides our sitters and asked if they would have someone right away. The regular sitter was scheduled for 1:00. They were stretched thin and couldn’t get anyone.

I also remembered that when you go to the cardiac emergency room, they keep you a minimum of six hours and want you to stay overnight. I asked the agency about someone for the weekend just in case. Then I called a friend to see if she could come over if I needed her. She was willing to do that. It turned out, however, that she was able to offer a better perspective on the situation. I should say that she is well-informed about health issues because of her work with the hospital. In addition, her mother cared for her own husband with dementia. I shared by BP readings with her, and she said she thought it looked more like anxiety caused by stress than an impending heart attack but said it would be better to hear that from my doc. I had already left a message at his office.

When I spoke with the doctor’s nurse, she said the doctor’s interpretation was the same as my friends. I felt the same way but also felt I should err on the side of caution concerning a possible heart attack. I scheduled another telemedicine appointment with the doc for the following Wednesday.

In the meantime, the agency was able to contact the sitter and asked her to come early. I had trouble getting Kate up and was concerned about leaving her but planned to do it anyway. I decided to take the afternoon to myself. I ran several errands. I spent the rest of the afternoon at my office relaxing, not working. I watched an interesting lecture and conversation with a couple who are Buddhists. It came at a good time for me in that I was trying to do exactly what they were recommending – living in the moment. As Kate has declined, I have been spending much more time thinking about the future and plans for our move. After returning home, my BP was normal the rest of the day. I felt much better when I went to bed that night.

However, that isn’t the end of the story. This is already a long post. I’ll save that for my next one.

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