I am always happy to report on the Happy Moments that Kate and I share, but there are occasional times when I feel a moment of sadness. That occurs primarily in times when Kate is unhappy, experiencing anxiety or panic. To a lesser extent it also occurs when there is a change as she loses the ability to do things like working on her computer, the yard or her iPad, or the first time she forgot my name. I recover from her losses, but I have never gotten used to the times she is disturbed. One of those happened yesterday.
As I helped her dress, she was in a good humor, and I was sure that she recognized me as her husband. Then we went to the bathroom to brush her teeth. I asked if she would like some mouthwash. She responded as if I had said something that angered her. She said, “I just want to get out of here. I want to get back to my old self.” Moments later, she looked in the mirror and said, “I look awful. That’s not me.” She was very distressed. I told her I thought she was beautiful, but she didn’t believe me and didn’t want to hear that. She has always wanted me to be truthful with her but has also been aware that I want to say things that make her feel good.
In this case, the truth is that she has put on 40-50 pounds since her diagnosis. That has changed her physical appearance. She doesn’t look the way she did before. At first, I told her that we all change our appearance as we get older. She said, “It’s more than that.” My next option was diversion.
When we finished in the bathroom, I told her I wanted to show her something. I took her hand and we walked to the hall outside our bedroom where we have some of her family photos. First, I showed her the picture of her mother, then her grandmother, followed by her grandfather, and her father. Her mood changed immediately with the first photo. We talked about each one and then went to the family room where she reacted to the flowers, her ceramic cat, and another photo of her father. The crisis was over. The rest of the day she was fine.
This particular experience is just one other that lets me know that she recognizes she is not the same as she used to be, and it hurts. Her intuitive insights generally please me but those about herself are painful to her and, thus, to me as well. I take comfort that incidents like this are rare. I would rather have life the way it is now that what it may be like in the future when that self-awareness is gone.
