It is impossible for me to know how much of the time Kate remembers that I am her husband. I used to be able to identify specific moments when she didn’t. For a while I noticed these moments were longer in duration. More recently, she has brief moments when she knows and doesn’t know. She used to ask my name and our relationship a lot. Sometimes she still does that, but she asks much less frequently than before. She seems to be adapting to not knowing.
What I consider of greatest importance is that she continues to recognize me as someone with whom she is familiar and trusts. Even in those moments when I know she doesn’t remember I’m her husband, she is very comfortable with my helping her with toileting, showering, and dressing. Increasingly, she has become more comfortable just having me around. That has been obvious in her reactions to my returning home after the sitter has been here. In those cases, she has been very relieved when I walked in.
This emotional dependence is also evident in lots of little things that occur on a daily basis. For example, yesterday I had a United Way committee meeting during the lunch hour. Our sitter was scheduled to arrive at 1:00, and I needed to leave the house about 11:30. I asked a church friend, Martha, if she would take Kate to lunch and get her back home for the sitter. Kate has known and liked her for a long time. They used to eat lunch together regularly when Kate was the church librarian and Martha was an assistant to one of the pastors.
It had been at least six months since they had seen each other, and Kate didn’t remember her but had retained a good feeling for her. When Martha arrived, Kate greeted her as naturally as I had hoped. I knew everything would be all right, and it was. Although I had told Kate she would be going to lunch with Martha while I went to my meeting, Kate assumed that I was going to lunch with them. When she discovered I wasn’t, she had a sad look on her face and said, “You’re not going with us?” I told her I was going to a meeting. She said, “I’m going to miss you.” I told her I would miss her too, but I knew that she and Martha would have a good time together. As she got in the car, she said, “I’m almost embarrassed to say it, but I’m going to miss you.”
As I said, this is a little thing, but I took special note of it because she seemed so comfortable with Martha. I hadn’t expected her to be concerned that I wasn’t going with them. I am sure their lunch went well. I haven’t talked with Martha, but I will.
At dinner last night, Kate asked my name. Then she tried to ask our relationship, but she couldn’t figure out how to say it. I said, “ Do you mean ‘How are we related?’” She said yes, and I told her we were married. She said, “No.” I said, “What about being good friends?” She didn’t like that and suggested that we might be like cousins. Then she said, “But that wouldn’t be true.” Then I suggested that she think of me as a helper. At first, she liked that. Then she changed her mind. About that time our food arrived, and we never finished the conversation.
After we were home, I had the impression that she still did not think of us as a married couple. Then our son called. We had a nice conversation with him. Our granddaughter had begun her freshman year at TCU on Monday, and he updated us on how the move had gone. During that conversation, it must have been clear that we are married. She didn’t express any concern or doubts about our relationship the rest of the evening.
It strikes me that she must be experiencing this kind of shift from knowing and not knowing other things as well. That would include other people, our house, and where we are. There were times yesterday that she thought our house was someone else’s house. She has never said anything that suggests she perceives these shifts as strange. What I do recognize are those moments when she doesn’t seem to know anything. That is when her anxiety attacks occur.
This very morning brought another illustration of her dependence on me as a source of security. She had gotten up early to go to the bathroom and gone back to bed. About forty-five minutes later, I heard her call for me. When I reached her, I asked if I could help her. She said, “I don’t know.” In the past, this is what she has said when she was have an anxiety attack. The difference this time is that she didn’t seem to be frightened or unnerved as she has before. I asked her if she would like to bring my things to the bedroom and stay with her. She said she did, and thanked me when I returned. Then she asked my name. I told her. Over the next thirty minutes, she asked the same question again. She didn’t ask, but I got the impression that she didn’t remember our relationship. She did, however, tell me she was glad I was with her. In this case, I wasn’t doing anything but sitting next to her in my chair as she tried to go back to sleep. It took quite a while before she was asleep, but she was relaxed.
In the past few days, I have also noticed an increased desire to hold my hand while we are out. She has said, “I want to make sure I don’t lose you.”
