I was just finishing up yesterday’s blog post when I heard Kate call my name. I started for the bedroom when I heard her call again. She didn’t smile when I entered the room, but she was relieved to see me. She was experiencing a milder anxiety attack than she had a couple of days ago. She didn’t appear to be as frightened, simply confused. It was another case of her memory’s being almost blank. She felt insecure and kept expressing that she felt better that I was with her. Despite her calling me by name, she didn’t remember either my name or our relationship. She clearly felt secure with me. She specifically commented that my tone of voice made her feel better and said she knew that I wouldn’t let anything happen to her.
I brought the “Big Sister” album to her. She recognized herself in the picture on the cover; however, I ran into a problem when I tried to go through the book with her. She was lying flat on the bed with her head on a pillow. It was awkward holding the book so that she could easily see the pictures. We decided to look at it later.
Then I started talking about her family. Although she was interested, it was too much information for her. As I had done the past two mornings, I played music for her. We turned our attention to it. The impact yesterday was greater than I have seen before. They were all choral pieces with beautiful harmony and soothing melodies. She was particularly moved by “Danny Boy,” “Deep River,” and “Swing Low Sweet Chariot.” Most of the time she held my hand or put her hand on my arm. A few times she asked me not to talk. She just wanted to listen to the music. At one point she shed a few tears. It was a very tender moment for both of us.
It was also a sad moment. She was still confused though uplifted by the music. She continues to have a sense that she is not all right. I think back to the times when I have heard people say, “At least she doesn’t know.” Kate may not know the name for it, but she knows she has a problem. How long will that last?
I stayed with her for over an hour. She was feeling better. I asked if she would like to go to the bathroom. She got up easily and took a shower. Most of the time, she didn’t know my name or our relationship, but she was quite comfortable with my helping her with toileting, showering, and dressing.
She was ready early enough for me to take her to Panera for a muffin before the sitter came at noon. Kate didn’t express any concern when Cindy arrived and I left for the Y. When I got home, they weren’t there. Kate hadn’t wanted any lunch until 3:00, so they had gone out for lunch. I am sure that had something to do with her having had a muffin not too long before Cindy arrived. I also believe Cindy is more passive with her than I would like. I think another sitter might have said, “I’m hungry. Let’s go get some lunch.” Kate might have responded more positively to that.
Kate may not have rested before they went to lunch because she was tired when they got back. I let her rest for an hour and a half before going to dinner. She didn’t sleep during that time. She just relaxed while listening to the music I played for her. She was ready for bed earlier than usual but was awake when I got in bed a couple of hours later.
During the night, she apparently had a dream. She was kicking her feet. I put my arm around her, and started to comfort her. She misinterpreted me and said, “No” in a very stern voice. Then she grabbed my hand and squeezed it very hard and held it for several minutes before she relaxed and dropped it. I don’t think she had been awake at all.
There is a lot going on in her brain right now. I just wish I could fully understand it.
