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Another First

Although Kate has become very dependent on me, I have made a point of holding back as long as possible on a couple of the most personal aspects of her care, toileting and showering. As of yesterday morning, we broke the barrier with respect to her shower. This was not something I had planned. It came about quite naturally. For months I have walked her to the shower, turned it on, gotten her towel for her and pointed out the soap. Then I let her take over. When she got in yesterday, I noticed that she wasn’t using the soap. I opened the shower door and reminded her to use it. She didn’t understand what I meant. I pointed to it and told her to pick it up. She still didn’t understand what I was trying to tell her. That led me to show her. I put it in my hand and rubbed it on her body. To my surprise, she accepted that willingly, and I ended up bathing her. She didn’t protest at all. Then I used the shower wand to rinse her. She seemed to like that and would point to spots I had missed or that she wanted to be sprayed again. When we finished, I turned off the water and gave her a towel to dry off.

Like other changes, I don’t expect that this means that I will start bathing her all the time. It is a sign, however, that it may not be long before showering is another of the ADLs (activities of daily living) for which I play a more active role .

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Confusion and Mood Control

When I woke Kate yesterday, she was confused about me. She was very suspicious of me. This was unlike the day before when she didn’t recognize me as her husband from 5:00 until I went to bed last night. At least she seemed comfortable with me. That wasn’t true yesterday morning. It was somewhat awkward for her because she was completely dependent on me to get her to the bathroom and ready for the day.

I decided not to push her or try to explain anything. I just helped her get ready. When she was dressed, I told her I wanted to show her something. She followed me into the hallway off our bedroom where we have several pictures of her family. We stopped at the first one. I said, “This is your grandmother Franklin.” She smiled, and her eyes lit up.” I told her that was her father’s mother and there was something special about her that she would like to know. I said, “She was the first member of your family to go to TCU.” (a bigger smile) Then I told her we have a grandson who is the 60th member of her family to attend TCU, and his sister will join him in the fall. She was coming around.

The next picture is one of her mother that must have been taken in her late teens. It’s a beautiful photo and one of my favorites. I explained that she was her mother. It was no surprise that Kate was drawn to her smile and commented on how beautiful she was. We continued down the hallway and looked at pictures of her grandfather as well as her father. By that time her mood had changed dramatically. I don’t mean to suggest that she now understood that I was her husband, only that she was happy.

From that point we went into the family room where I showed her several other family pictures. As usual, she also admired the plants on the patio. Then I took her into the kitchen for her morning meds, and we left for lunch. I played music that I know she likes all the way to the restaurant.

When we returned home, I asked if she would like to work puzzles on her iPad or look at some of her family photo books. She noticed an album of her father’s family and picked it up. I asked if she would like me to help her with it. She said no. I went to the kitchen work on my computer. An hour later, she wanted to rest and spent the next two hours lying on the sofa. I brought my laptop into the room so that I could sit with her. I don’t think she ever went to sleep. After a while, I asked if we might look at family pictures together. She said she would but “later.” She said she just wanted to relax. I let her do that another half hour before going to dinner.

After dinner, she picked up a coloring book I bought for her about two weeks ago. She hadn’t shown any interest in it before. This time she opened it and spent at least forty-five minutes going through it. It is a big book – 200 pages. I was surprised she could spend that much time looking at it. She didn’t even take the crayons out of the box. When I suggested that we go back to the bedroom, she said she just wanted to finish the last few pages. I told her that would be fine. I was very curious as to what she was doing. There is nothing to read, only cartoon-like figures and shapes to color. When I looked over her shoulder, I saw that she was meticulously going through each page, touching each drawing or part of a figure on each page. She was pushing them the way she touches the screen of the iPad. Of course, nothing would happen, and she moved to the next one. I am still puzzled that she went through the entire book that way. She never appeared to be frustrated. Looking at her from across the room, it appeared that she was enjoying herself. It’s just one other thing that puzzles me.

She wanted to do something else once we went to the bedroom. She didn’t want to work on her iPad or look at photo books. She said she would like to read something. I gave her the three-ring binder that I call her “Memory Book.” It contains a variety of information about her and her family as well as our courtship and marriage. When I gave it to her, she didn’t know what to do with it. I explained that it was information about her life and that she could just read through it. She still didn’t understand. I read the initial information and then turned it over to her. She started touching selected words on the page just the way she had done with the coloring book earlier. When I explained that the book was different than her iPad, that touching the words would not take her to something else, she closed the book. I decided it was best not to push it.

She was already in bed. I told her I would put on some YouTube videos and pulled up a mix of videos of The Three Tenors, Pavarotti, Andrea Bocelli, and Andre Rieu. She listened to the music for over an hour while lying in bed. She was very happy, just another example of the power of music.

We experienced only one other hiccup before going to sleep. When I got into the bed, I frightened her. She apparently had forgotten I was there. When I spoke, she realized who it was and was relieved.

As you can tell, there is a lot going on in our lives right now. Apart from these moments, we had a good day. We enjoyed good moments together, and, except for frightening her, the day ended on a high note. What is encouraging is that even with her moments of confusion and feeling down, I still find it possible to find a way to bring her back. I hope that is something that will endure for a while longer.

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Adapting to Change

Kate has made many changes since her diagnosis past 8 ½ years ago. They are happening more rapidly now, and they are the kind of changes that alter our social activity. Some of them are more difficult for me to accept than others. One of those is forgetting who I am. The first time I was aware of this change was a year and a half ago. At that time, I wrote about it in a post on February 22, 2018. I am copying a portion of that below.

Could she be forgetting my name?

After we ordered our lunch today, Kate looked across the table at me and asked, “What is your name?” I misunderstood her and thought she said “her name.” She said, “No, your name.” I made some lighthearted comment, and she said, “No, seriously, what is your name?” I said, “Richard,” and she said, “Creighton.” Then she asked if I had another name, and I gave her my middle name.

This is the second time in the past few weeks that she has asked my name. In each case, I first thought she was just playing games with me. My second thought was, “Could she really be forgetting my name?” Today it seemed clear that she might be doing just that. . . I know, of course, that there will be a time when she forgets my name and then forgets who I am. I am already witnessing that happen to close family members. I just hadn’t thought we could be approaching the time when her forgetting would include me. I’m not ready for this.

I wasn’t ready for that. Since that time, I have often reported on conversations similar to the one above. It has been obvious that forgetting my name and that I am her husband has become more common than in early 2018; however, my present emotional response is no longer the same as it was then. That may sound surprising to some who have not gone through this experience, but caregivers are always adapting to the changes experienced by their loved ones. Forgetting a spouse’s name and relationship is just one more.

When I first notice new things that Kate is doing or not doing, it becomes a new reminder of what lies ahead. Her recent difficulty working jigsaw puzzles on the iPad is a good example. That’s a big one because that has been her primary activity for the past two or three years. Her increasing dependence on me is another. With the passage of time, however, I become more accustomed the changes. I keep adapting to a new reality.

I am aided by the knowledge that she needs me. We have given ourselves to each other for over fifty-six years, but we have never experienced anything comparable to the way in which Alzheimer’s has taken away her ability to survive on her own. That brings about an overwhelming drive to make her as happy, safe, and comfortable as I can. That emotion tends to override any sadness that accompanies her changes.

In addition, Kate and I still enjoy life and each other even in moments when she doesn’t remember me. Yesterday she had an extended time during which she thought I was a friend, not her husband. That would have been shocking two years ago but is becoming more natural for me now.

It started when I got home to relieve the sitter. She had been resting on the sofa in the family room. There was something about the way she greeted me that made me think that she didn’t realize that I was her husband. When we talked after Cindy left, it became clear that my suspicions were correct. She didn’t ask who I was; therefore, I didn’t tell her my name or our relationship. She recognized me a someone she knows and was very comfortable with me. We enjoyed ourselves during dinner, but she didn’t say anything that made me think that she of me as anything but a good friend.

When we got home, I played YouTube videos of Pavarotti and The Three Tenors as well as Jonas Kaufmann. We both enjoyed the music. It was a nice way to end the day. Yet it still appeared she didn’t know me as her husband. That was confirmed when I got into bed. She was still awake, and I moved close to her. We talked about having a nice day. She was very comfortable. I couldn’t resist testing her and made a not-so-subtle comment about our being married. She laughed. I said, “You don’t think we are married?” Very confidently, she said, “No.” Thus we went to sleep without her ever knowing or acknowledging that we are married. That is the longest period of time she has not recognized our relationship. I had my arm around her for a short time after we got in bed. I released my arm when I turned onto my back. Then she grasped my hand and gave it a squeeze. I felt happy just to know that she still thinks we have a special relationship. I would have been very unhappy with that two years ago.

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My Attempts to Control Kate’s Mood

Kate’s senses are in overdrive. I often mention this in connection with her appreciation of the beauty of trees and flowers and her enjoyment of music, but it occurs in less positive ways as well. At this late stage, she is sensitive to every situation she experiences. What happens determines how she feels. You might ask if that isn’t true for all of us. It is, but there is a difference. We don’t generally notice these emotional shifts among the people we are around. That’s because adults learn to act as though everything is all right even when it isn’t. Children and people with dementia don’t hide their feelings as well when things don’t go the way they like. Kate is certainly that way. Some people describe this as losing one’s “filter.”

I’m never sure how she will feel when I wake her in the morning. Most of the time she is in a good mood, but groggy. Other times she is confused. Sometimes she seems annoyed that I am there. There is no way I can know exactly what causes these differences. At times I feel like she has been awake and thinking about something that affects her mood though I don’t have any good basis for believing that.

Whatever the cause, I know that she awoke on her own yesterday, and she was happy. It was also earlier usual which enabled us to make a trip to Panera for her muffin. We were there almost an hour and a half before leaving for lunch. We relaxed at home after lunch. She rested on the sofa across from my chair in the family room. I played some music that we both enjoyed. An hour later, I took her to get her hair done.

It was following her hair appointment that her mood changed. She worked on her iPad while I worked on my laptop. I had to help her several times. In a little while, I noticed that she wasn’t working on her iPad. She was just sitting in her chair with her head propped against her hand. She looked very discouraged. I assumed she had run into further trouble working her puzzles and didn’t want to ask for my help again. I walked over to her and asked if I could help her. She shrugged.

I kneeled down beside the chair and quickly discovered she was confused. She didn’t know who I was. I suggested we look at one of her photo books and picked up the “Big Sister” album. She recognized the picture and knew that it was a picture of her and her brother. We turned to the first few pages. She recognized the first picture of her mother but not her father nor herself as a baby. She was not as immediately engaged by the photos as usual and asked, “Who are you?” I gave her my name and told her I was her husband. She didn’t believe me. I flipped over to the pages that include some of our wedding photos. She had trouble recognizing herself, her family, and me.

It was nearing time for us to get ready to leave for Broadway night at Casa Bella. I decided to take another approach. I walked her to the hallway where we have several pictures of her parents and grandparents. She enjoyed seeing the pictures, especially one of her mother that was probably taken when she was in her late teens. The emotion for her mother is always more intense than for other family members.

When we were ready to leave and just about to walk out the door, I said, “You look like you are still not too sure about me?” She indicated she wasn’t. I said, “That’s all right. I think you will feel more comfortable after a while.” She said, “I hope so.” Before pulling out of the garage, I started an album of Broadway show tunes that is a favorite of hers. We didn’t talk for a while. We just listened to the music. As “Some Enchanted Evening” played, she put her hand on my leg. That was a positive sign. Then “Shall We Dance?” started to play, I said, “Here is one of your favorites.” After each “Shall we dance” line she clapped her hands against her thighs. That was another sign of a change in her mood. I never asked if she knew me, but she was fine when we arrived at Casa Bella. Music had worked for us once again. Now the question was “How will the evening go?”

It was an evening of mixed experiences. As we walked along the side walk to the restaurant we met the couple we always sit with. They are always so kind to Kate. We greeted them and walked into the restaurant. We were off to a good start. Another couple was already seated at our table for eight. One of them was seated across from Kate, so I took the seat next to her. Very soon the conversation became difficult for Kate to follow. She asked people to explain or repeat several times but quickly withdrew. We had almost a full hour before the music began. Kate was uncomfortable. Several times she asked me, “Does this place have food?” I told her we had ordered, and it would be out soon. It wasn’t long before she whispered, “I want to get out of here.” I explained that the music would soon begin and that I thought she would enjoy it. I was right about that. The program featured the music of  Rodgers and Hammerstein, and the singers were outstanding. From a musical standpoint, the evening was a clear success. On the other hand, I am going to do some serious thinking about the future of these music nights. I don’t intend to make any immediate changes, but I may have to look into finding a table for two.

The evening ended well. Kate never showed any sign of being uncomfortable with me when we left. I think she was very glad that it was just the two of us.

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More Unusual Things

Kate continues to make changes that I see as signs of the progression of her Alzheimer’s. One of those has been that she has paid less attention to her iPad and more attention to her photo books in the past couple of days. The good thing about that is that it provides her with two different activities instead of just one.

We often think of the memory problems of people with dementia as forgetting the names of people, places, and things. It also involves procedures or steps to accomplish a task. Kate is having more problems with these kinds of things. For example, she has started asking me what to do with her napkin when we go to a restaurant. Last night I told her to put it in her lap. She didn’t understand and asked me to show her. I got up and placed the napkin in her lap. Similarly, she is has trouble knowing where to put the flatware. When she brushes her teeth, she sometimes forgets to put toothpaste on her brush. I have started doing that for her. She is dependent on me for help with a host of other things like that.

We had an unusual experience around 1:30 this morning when she was disturbed by the way her nightgown had crept up. She tried unsuccessfully to straighten it out. Then she wanted me to help her. I had trouble because she couldn’t understand when I asked her to roll over so that I could pull it down. At one point, she said it was all right. The next moment she complained again. We went through the same routine a couple of times. I got out of bed and went around to her side. I suggested she stand up to make sure we had it pulled down all the way. She couldn’t understand what I wanted. I did the best I could and didn’t see any sign there were any annoying wrinkles in the back of her gown. She was finally calm and said, “What now?” I told her we could go back to sleep, and we did.

An hour later, she said, “Where am I?” I told her. Then neither of us said anything else. She was pulling her hair as she does so often when she goes to bed. I don’t know how long she was awake. I do know that she spoke to me an hour after that. I don’t remember what she said.

I wish I knew exactly what she is thinking. My impression is that her brain is trying to process a lot of things that she can’t understand. Everything must seem terribly confusing.

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My Experiment with Another Movie

For most of our marriage, especially before having children and after they left home, Kate and I have enjoyed movies. It was natural to include them among the variety of priorities on which we focused after her diagnosis. We found the best selection of movies at a local arts theater and have been members for many years. As Kate’s Alzheimer’s progressed, she was no longer able to follow a plot. At first, I thought that might be the end of movies for us. I discovered, however, that she could still enjoy some of them without understanding the plot at all. I was surprised but soon recognized what is obvious that there is more to a movie than a plot. Movies grab their audiences with a host of emotions that we experience directly by our senses of sight and hearing. We can enjoy the appeal of the characters, the beauty of the scenery, visible forms of humor, and music.

For Kate, enjoyment was heavily influenced by the nature of the characters and the seriousness or importance of the film’s focus. She liked upbeat movies with likeable characters. On the other hand, she liked more serious films like Darkest Hour. In that case, she was able to recognize the seriousness of war and its impact on the world. At the time, she also recognized the importance of Churchill. The whole tone of the movie appealed to her.

The last two movies that appealed to her were documentaries, RBG and Won’t You Be My Neighbor. We saw RBG twice and Neighbor four times. She had a strong positive feeling for each of them even though she didn’t remember them before the movies. In addition, she could sense they had led lives that had great impact.

Our moving going had already tapered off before those films. After that, I tried one or two movies without any success. She was confused and bored. I have been looking for what I thought would be the “right” movie since then. That occurred two weeks ago when I learned Pavarotti was playing. Kate has been especially drawn to opera in recent years. I decided to give it a try yesterday afternoon.

While we were at lunch, I told Kate that we would be going to a movie. I told her it was a documentary of Pavarotti. She didn’t remember him even when I told her a little about him. For the most part I was not surprised. She is forgetting most names. Why not Pavarotti’s? On the other hand, he does come up periodically in our conversation, especially in connection with some of the YouTube videos we watch in the evening. We have watched a few of his solo performances as well as those with The Three Tenors. I guess I had hoped that she might recognize the name. If she had, I would have taken that as a sign that she might have an interest in the movie. That didn’t happen.

Once the movie began, I was very optimistic. I could tell she was interested. There were a number of emotional moments during the film when she and I were both moved by the music. She held my hand and squeezed it tightly. She enjoyed his singing, but there were also times when she said, “You’re ‘gonna’ have to help me with this. I don’t understand.” She repeated that when the movie ended. Instead of getting up to leave, I talked with her briefly. I asked if she had liked it. She said, “I don’t know. I didn’t understand it.” I suggested that the important part was that she liked the music. That didn’t make any sense to her either. I found this interesting. I was trying to get her to rely on her intuitive abilities, and she was focusing on her deficit of rational abilities.

All-in-all I have to give Kate’s experience “mixed reviews.” I had hoped that she would leave with a good feeling about having gone, but she didn’t. By the time we reached the car, she didn’t remember seeing the movie. I probably won’t take her to another one. I’ll add this to the growing list of things that we are dropping from our lives.

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The Pleasure of Intuitive Thought

I can’t stress enough how much pleasure Kate and I have enjoyed because she has retained her intuitive abilities. They are the ones that depend on her direct experience with the world around her through her senses. She doesn’t have to remember the names of people, places, and things to enjoy beauty, music, and connections with people. I am encouraged by the knowledge that they can continue much longer than we imagine.

When we visited Ellen in her memory care facility the other day, I took notice of the way in which the residents expressed their pleasure with the singing led by Emily, the music lady who visits the facility two Sunday afternoons a month. With the possible exception of Ellen, all of the residents are much further along in their dementia than Kate, but they were delighted by the music. Only one of the ten or so residents took the floor and danced, but one other remained in her seat tapping her feet and her hands with the beat. There were many smiles around the room. It was a moment of pleasure for them and for Kate and me as well. Yes, we sang along with them.

I am glad we don’t have to depend on someone to come in twice a month. We play music all the time. It is a rare moment when music is not playing. We never tire of it. In fact, Kate’s senses seem to be more alive now than ever as her rational abilities fade away. I witnessed a good example of that yesterday afternoon. First, a digression.

Even during the winter when the trees were bare, Kate enjoyed looking at the dense growth of trees in the neighbor’s property behind our house. During spring, she took pleasure in the growth of new leaves. More recently, I put out a variety of potted plants on our patio and two pots of violet colored petunias inside our family room. Every time she walks through the room she stops and looks at all of them. Each time is like the first time she has seen them. She loves to bring my attention to several that are her favorites.

When the sitter left yesterday afternoon, Kate was lying on the sofa facing the sliding glass doors to our patio and the neighbor’s property. Generally, she has wanted to leave the house as soon as the sitter leaves, but she was enjoying looking at the trees. I put on an album by Alfie Boe. It began with “Bring Him Home.” That has always been a favorite of hers. That didn’t stop her enjoyment of the beauty outside. It just added an extra measure of pleasure for her. When the album was over, I played two different renditions of “Send in the Clowns,” another longtime favorite. Thirty minutes passed before I suggested we look at one of her family photo books. She said, “I’d like that, but let’s do that later.” She just wanted to enjoy the beauty of nature and music. I kept looking over to see if she might be falling asleep. What I saw were beautiful expressions of pleasure. Often she was mouthing the words to the songs. Occasionally, she would point out something she wanted me to see.

After dinner last night, I gave her the “Big Sister” album. She spent about an hour looking at it. Even though she doesn’t recognize everyone, she enjoys looking through it and other albums.

I have been increasingly concerned about the difficulty she has working puzzles on her iPad. That has been so important for her for such a long time, but maybe her intuitive abilities will open other doors for pleasure in the days ahead. I hope so.

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Sunday in Nashville

We had a nice day in Nashville yesterday. I had made noon reservations for lunch at Maggiano’s near our hotel, but we got there at 11:15 because Kate woke up earlier than I expected. I always like it when she wakes up on her own. That means I don’t have to be concerned about waking her and the challenges that sometimes presents.

We had a good meal and a pleasant time. The last time we were there it was Father’s Day and a little noisy. It was much quieter yesterday and very relaxing.

Before leaving, Kate went to the restroom. I took the opportunity to go to the men’s room rather than waiting outside the ladies room. Moments after I went in, I heard her call me. When I opened the door I saw her looking around for me. She expressed a big sigh of relief when she saw me. I felt bad about not being there as she walked out, but she came out so quickly. She could not have used the toilet. I suspect she got confused and just turned around and came out.

As we left the restaurant, Kate saw a poster with a photo of Frank Sinatra. She stopped to look and naturally asked me who it was. We had been to this restaurant several times before, and neither of us had noticed it. I chuckled because she always asks who he is in posters on the wall at Andriana’s when we are there. She said something to the hostess who told her that Sinatra died some time ago. Kate said, “He did. I didn’t know that.”

Our visit with Ellen went well although understanding her is a big problem. She hadn’t declined since last time, but it is hard to have a good conversation when you can only understand about 10% of what she says. I relied on YouTube videos that she and we enjoyed until Emily, the music lady, arrived to entertain the residents in Ellen’s “neighborhood.”

As we gathered around the piano, one of the staff dropped something that made loud noise at the nurse’s station. Kate is getting increasingly sensitive about surprises, especially sudden noises. She responded audibly that was almost as loud as the noise that frightened her. One of the residents spoke up quickly and told Kate that she had the same problem.

Remembering how Kate had sung, danced, and cheered last month made me eager to see how she would react to the music. She did enjoy the music and sang along rather quietly but was never tempted to do any of the things she did last time. I guess she was just in a different mood. She was more like herself than the previous visit.

Later as we drove to Knoxville, I told Kate we were close and would stop for dinner before going home. She said, “I don’t have any money.” I told her I had money. She said, “I will pay you back when we get home.” When I parked the car at Andriana’s, she again told me that she didn’t have any money. I told her that was all right. It was all “our” money. She said, “I guess that’s right.” She quickly forgot, however. As we walked from the car to the restaurant, she told me she didn’t have any money. I told her I would pay. She said she would pay me back. One other time she mentioned it while eating. This was something unusual. I don’t ever recall her saying this before.  Of course, it fits if she thought I was a friend instead of her husband. It would still be the first time she has raised a question of her paying for anything when we are together. On quite a few occasions, she has been concerned about not having money when I leave her with a sitter. In those cases, I have always told her that I left money or a card with the sitter.

While we were waiting for our meal, she asked our server if she knew her name. The server said, Yes, it’s Kate.” Then Kate asked the server’s name. This was shortly after the server had introduced herself since she sensed that Kate had not recognized her. The server said something about “your husband,” and Kate said, “We’re friends.” I said, “Very good friends.” Kate said, “Yes.” All of our servers know about Kate’s Alzheimer’s, but this particular server has had the opportunity to observe her memory problems more than any other. I don’t think it’s because Kate is more comfortable with her. I believe it is just a chance occurrence.

I mentioned earlier that Kate had taken interest in a poster of Frank Sinatra when we had lunch at Maggiano’s. At dinner, she may have set a record for the number of times she said, “Who is that?” while looking at a poster of him at Andriana’s. I didn’t count, but I am sure it was well over ten times, some in rapid succession.

When we got home, she started going through two of the guest rooms. She acted as though we were moving, and she needed to decide what to take with us. She went into a guest room and picked up a couple of things. I suggested we relax a while and that she could work on that tomorrow. She agreed.

When we got to the bedroom, she asked what she should do. I told her she could start by taking the pills I had put on her bedside table. It looked like she was going to do it but started to undress for bed. It seemed like she was just randomly selecting what to do although she was asking me to tell her. She didn’t seem to follow any of my instructions after asking for them.

While I was brushing my teeth, she called to me and said, “Where is he?” I asked who she was talking about. She said, “You know.” I told her I really didn’t and that she and I were the only ones in the house. She was puzzled but didn’t pursue it further.

She went to bed almost an hour before I did. When I got in bed, she was still awake. We talked about having had a nice day and that we have many nice days. That led to a comment or two about our marriage. Then she said, “We are able to talk to each other. We’re able to be really honest with each other.” Then she suggested something I never fully understood. She talked about how our relationship could grow even further by talking with other people about it. I said, “Do you mean a counselor?” She said, “That could be, but I was just thinking about people we know.” At first, it sounded to me as though she thought we had a problem we needed to work through. The more the more she talked the more it sounded like just improving on the relationship we already have. I don’t know how long she talked, but she sounded very thoughtful as she considered the benefits of exploring ways of enhancing our relationship.

This conversation and a couple of others we have had recently has impressed me with her rational ability to think through something like this. Sometimes she says that I underestimate how smart she is. She may be right.

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During the Night

Although Kate generally sleeps well at night, she was awake for a couple of nights this past week. Night before last, I had gotten up about 1:00 to go to the bathroom. When I got back in bed, she said, “Who are you?” She didn’t sound frightened or upset. She merely wanted to know. I gave her my name and told her I was her husband. Then she asked her name. At first, I thought this might be one of those times she was anxious about not knowing where she was or who she was with, but it wasn’t that at all. She was quite calm.

This made me think about something I have thought about before but not mentioned in my blog. During the night, I am very careful not to put my arm around her while she is sleeping. Since I know that she is often confused when she wakes up, I have been afraid that she might be frightened if I did so. On the other hand, she isn’t always, or even usually, confused upon waking. In fact, she frequently moves right next to me during the night and puts her arm around me. Her intuitive ability apparently leads her to respond to me as naturally as she has before her Alzheimer’s.

During the night at our hotel on Saturday, something else occurred. I heard her say something and asked if I could help her. She said she I could and tried to explain what it was she needed. She was very concerned about whatever it was, but she couldn’t explain it to me. I was only able to determine that it involved a mutual friend of ours and that she needed to make a list. At first, she just referred to “him.” When I asked who that was, she gave her usual answer, “You know.” I feel sure she does this because she can’t remember. I mentioned several names but was never sure who she was talking about. Ultimately, we both drifted off to sleep. I’ll never know what she was talking about, but it was of great concern to her. It reminded me of several other times when she has had a dream and thought she needed to be someplace and was worried about being late.

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Another Overnight Trip

These days it is quite unusual for us to travel two weekends in a row, but that is what we have done. We are currently in a hotel in Nashville where we visited yesterday afternoon with a longtime TCU friend and former housemate of mine. It had been a while since we saw him last, but we have communicated by phone, text, and email. He met us at the hotel.

It was a good visit. Of course, Kate couldn’t remember him, but when I told her he was a friend from TCU, her eyes lit up. She participated in the conversation and enjoyed herself as she has done on several other out-of-town visits with people she had never met or not remembered. Although she needs to ask people to repeat and explain themselves, I take it as a good sign that she is interested. Yesterday’s experience reinforces my belief that she is heavily influenced by the situations in which she encounters people. She does better in small groups, only one or two others besides us, and in situations where there are minimal distractions. Large groups like those at a reception are intimidating for her. Our music nights at Casa Bella are typically an exception, but that is because we are often at a table with only one other couple. It was very quiet in the hotel yesterday afternoon. That was great for conversation.

Travel is no longer something special for Kate. After checking into our room, she was ready to go home. She does still enjoy specific experiences while we were away. For example, she loves the flowers around the hotel. As we walked to and from dinner, she stopped multiple times to admire their beauty. When we got back after dinner, she mentioned going home. When I told her we were staying overnight, she frowned.

What she doesn’t realize is that I have only chosen to stay overnight so that she can sleep late on the day we leave and the next morning before we visit Ellen. It makes the trip much more leisurely and enables us to have a nice dinner out as well. I’m trying to make a special occasion out of it, but it is working better for me than for her.

We will go to lunch after checking out and then visit Kate’s friend Ellen at her memory care facility. Last time we visited, we joined the residents in a music program that Kate enjoyed. The woman in charge said she is coming periodically on Sundays. I hope she is there today.