A Conversation at Dinner Last Night

As Kate continues her recent decline, she is more cognizant of her deficits than I might have thought. I believe this is one reason she is expressing more attachment to me. She knows she needs and depends on me. At the same time, I am becoming more sensitive to the fact that I am slowly (and now not so slowly) losing her. Each of our responses to her changes were captured in a brief moment at dinner last night.

She had asked my name and where we were. Then she said, “I’m going to try to do better (remembering).” I said, “As we age, it’s just harder to remember things.” She looked at me and said very calmly, but seriously, “You know it’s more than that.” A moment later, she said, “I’m just glad I have you.” I said, “You know I will always be with you.” Then I added, “Till death do us part.” Then we both acknowledged our inability stop that ultimate separation.

I don’t know that she remembered that she has Alzheimer’s and didn’t pursue it. Her comment does reflect an awareness that her memory problem is not just a matter of getting old. It reminds me of how she felt as far back as 2006 when she believed she had Alzheimer’s. She knew then and she knows now that her problem is serious. It’s not something that everyone experiences.

My response to her also reflects my deeper feelings about losing her. I don’t want to let her go, but that is something I can’t control. I do want her to be secure in knowing that I really will be here for her “till death do us part.”