Yesterday was a mixture of highs and lows. As I mentioned in my previous post, we were off on a good start. Kate was up early enough for us to get to Panera for her muffin. More importantly, that meant that I didn’t have to rush her to have lunch before the sitter arrived and I left for Rotary.
When Anita arrived, Kate gave me the impression that they would make a trip to Panera while I was gone. When I returned, I found that she had told Anita that she was tired and wanted to rest. She apparently rested most of the time (4 hours). As soon as Anita left, Kate told me that she had missed me and was glad I was home. She had been resting on the sofa in the family room but got up and was ready to go.
I asked if she would like to go to Barnes & Noble. She said, “Anywhere. I just want to get out of the house.” This is further evidence of what I have mentioned before. She doesn’t like to stay at home (or anywhere else) for more than an hour or two. When she doesn’t go to Panera while I am gone, she gets bored. Anita said she had encouraged her to go to Panera, but Kate said she was tired and wanted to rest.
This is not the first time this has happened, but it is not a frequent occurrence. It has made me wonder if she is beginning to be self-conscious about being with a sitter when she is at Panera. I have also noted what I thought might be signs that she is less comfortable with Anita than with Mary. One other possibility that crosses my mind is that she is just becoming so dependent on me that she feels less comfortable with the sitters than in the past.
When we got in the car to go to Barnes & Noble, she asked me where she could put her cup. This was another first. She has never been unclear about where the cup holders are in the car.
We were at Barnes & Noble for about an hour and a half before leaving for dinner. As we left, she said how nice it was that there is a place like Barnes & Noble where you can spend a little time relaxing. For a long time, I have sensed that she feels at ease at both Panera and Barnes & Noble. This was the first time I had heard her express her feelings about it.
At dinner, we talked about our family and our marriage (her favorite topic). During this time, she asked about the names of our children and grandchildren. Then she surprised me by asking, “What is the plan?” I wasn’t sure what she meant and asked if she meant for “tonight” or “tomorrow?” She said, “Whenever. I’m just going to do whatever you say.” After thinking about it, I believe she was saying saying it was too much for her to plan anything. I told her I thought we would go home and relax a while in the family room and then go to the bedroom where I would play the last portion of Les Miserables. She liked that.
At 8:00, I told her I was going to take a shower and that when I got out we could watch Les Miserables. I had been playing an audio version of the musical and left it playing when I went to shower. As I left the family room, I noticed that she had put down her iPad. She had closed her eyes and was listening to the music. She commented on how beautiful it was. When I got out of the shower, I found that she was still sitting in a chair listening to the music with her eyes closed. A few minutes later, we went to the bedroom and watched the remaining portion of the DVD. Once again, she loved it.
Then she started getting ready for bed. She went to her room to get her night clothes. When she returned, she said, “You know I could not live without you.” She said this is a way that really meant it, not that she was simply expressing how much she likes me. It is clear to me that she recognizes that she couldn’t live without my help. She told me she doesn’t want to be anyplace without me.
I am tying this back to her reaction to the sitter. I think she has become so dependent that she feels less secure when I’m not around. When I think of how much she is not able to do, I can understand her insecurity. I am glad to be here for her but sad to see her arriving at this place.
