On Monday I had gone to Rotary and to the Y while the sitter stayed with Kate. I had a little time after that and dropped by Whole Foods to connect with their Wi-Fi. While I was there, I saw a friend of Kate’s. I learned that she had recently moved in with her parents to help her mother take care of her father who has Alzheimer’s. It sounded like her father was getting along about as well as Kate. I mentioned our having binged on musical and theatrical performances as well as keeping active by spending time at Panera, Barnes & Noble, and eating out for our meals.
Kate’s friend is a former art teacher in the public schools. That led me to tell her about Judy Cornish’s thoughts about rational and intuitive abilities. I thought that with her artistic background she might be interested in Cornish’s distinction and its implications for caring for someone with dementia. She was interested and then told me her father was a retired band director. Music had been an important part of his life since childhood.
We swapped stories for a while. Then I mentioned our going to Casa Bella three times a month for their music nights. She felt her parents would enjoy the music, but she had concerns about their getting out so much. My impression was that they were not as comfortable getting out in crowds. They prefer to remain at home a good bit of the time. I realized quickly that what has worked for us was not going to be applicable to them.
I may have been sensitized to their situation because of a couple of tweets I saw in the past few days. One had said something about the importance of recognizing that we are not all alike. The other mentioned how uncomfortable some people could be when thrust into many public situations. They eat out infrequently and prefer to enjoy the comforts of home.
As we talked further, it appeared that the friend’s parents were getting along fine without getting out the same way that Kate and I have done. She said her father plays music all the time as he has always done.
I noticed one other similarity and difference from what I have chosen to do. Her mother and I share a common feeling that we don’t like leaving our spouses to the care of someone else. The difference is that I have engaged sitters to be with Kate three afternoons a week. This is a case where my head (rational ability) overrules my heart (intuitive ability). After our experience with our parents and the reading I have done on caregiving, I believe it is best for Kate if I give myself breaks. My plan for the future is to increase that care as her needs change.
Ultimately, I hope that will enable me to keep Kate at home. Time will tell if that is possible. I don’t feel I should commit myself at this time. Since Kate’s diagnosis, I have tried to be sensitive to the changes that are taking place and adjust our activities accordingly. I gave up international travel in 2015. We are now approaching the end of air travel domestically and sticking with day trips or overnight trips to destinations that are not too far from home. I am approaching the rest of our journey with an open mind with respect to what is best for the future. Right now, I believe it is best for me to keep her with me. That could change if I had any significant health issue. I am going to be optimistic.
