Even prior to her diagnosis, Kate was geographically challenged. In the years since her diagnosis, she has wanted me to walk in front of her to lead the way to when we get out of the car to go to a restaurant or when we are in a place with which she is not familiar. This can be dangerous. A number of times she hasn’t seen me make a turn and continued walking straight ahead. I have to keep looking behind me to see if she is still there. She often says, “I’ll follow you.” In fact, she did that as we left Casa Bella last night. That was no surprise. What would have been surprising is if she had remembered where we had parked.
The surprise came when we got home. When we walked into the laundry room from the garage, she said, “I’ll follow you.” That is the first time she has ever felt the need to say that in our own home. I suspect she didn’t immediately recognize that she was home. Once she was further inside, she knew where she was. Until now, she has seemed to be very sure of herself getting around the house. She seems not to have a problem when she gets up to go to the bathroom early in the morning before daylight. She always seems to know how to get from room to room around the house even though she has some difficulty remembering where things are in a given room. That involves a little searching. This experience may seem a little thing, but I see it as another marker on our journey.
I found this disturbing because it comes amidst other noticeable changes that have occurred in recent months, all in the first three months of the year. I recognize that we have been very lucky in terms of the gradual progression of Kate’s Alzheimer’s, but it is still jarring to think that we are approaching the next stage of the disease. It’s the one that everyone most wants to avoid. We all know that day is coming, but we like to believe it won’t be soon. Of course we don’t know when that will occur. I don’t know either, but I do know the symptoms I am observing are significantly different from those of the past. It makes me sad. Not only that, I feel a certain measure of anxiety. Intellectually, I know that we will continue to enjoy life and each other to the extent that we are able. From an emotional standpoint, I am a bit uneasy.
That might account for the fact that the past two nights I woke up between 2:00 and 4:00 and had trouble getting back to sleep. I am sure my experience last night is one with which many caregivers can identify. When I woke up, I immediately started thinking about my various responsibilities involving Kate. It occurred to me that I hadn’t charged her iPad after she went to bed. I got up and went over to her side of the bed to find it. With only the night light from our bathroom, it was difficult to see. I got my phone and turned on the flashlight. I didn’t see it beside the bed. Then I started looking on the floor around her chair and the night table. In the fall, I bought a new iPad for myself, I have been letting her use it when hers needs charging. I decided to give up the search. In the morning, she could use mine. While searching for the iPad, I saw the pants and the shoes she had worn to Casa Bella last night. I had also neglected to put them away before going to bed. I keep them in my closet so that she doesn’t get them for everyday wear. That’s how I try to insure that she always has something clean to wear for somewhat dressier occasions. Those things taken care of, I went back to bed.
