I have frequently said that compared to many couples living with Alzheimer’s, Kate and I have been very fortunate. My Friday with Kate reminds me why I feel that way. As we left for lunch, I said something she didn’t like. She snapped back at me. Then she quickly said, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.” While this doesn’t happen every time she is irritated with me, it does occur with some frequency. That makes it much easier for me to deal with such moments than if she never apologized or recognized what she had done.
Then at Applebee’s, she asked me to tell her my name. I said, “Why don’t you tell me my name?” Then she said, “I’m serious.” She obviously was, and I said, “Richard.” Then she said, “Creighton.” I asked what city she lived in. She hesitated a moment and said, “Fort Worth?” I reminded her we live in Knoxville and had lived here almost 47 years.
When we have these little exchanges, I interpret them as a sign of trust that she can be open with me about her failing memory. I suspect that is something that may gradually include other people. I got a hint of that when Larry was with us this week. I don’t recall exactly what she said, but it was an indication of having trouble remembering things.
After ordering, Kate asked me the server’s name as she does every time we eat there. I told her. She said, “Oh, I know that. I’ve asked you that before.” In this case, she had asked me only a few minutes earlier. Then she said, “You are so patient with me.”
She is right, but I was struck by her saying so. That shows she remembers certain kinds of things when there are so many other she can’t remember. This is a kind of memory that is much deeper than remembering my name. It’s a connection that requires a recognition of one’s personal qualities or characteristics. Like her earlier apology, it makes it easier for me to accept other things that she does.
These experiences also illustrate something about our relationship that has made life easier than it is for some other couples. We are both conflict avoiders. Like other couples, we have had conflicts. They have never led to anything but a cooling off period and a later conversation about whatever brought about the conflict. Since her diagnosis, Kate has definitely been more irritable. This has often happened when I felt the need to rush her to get ready to go out. It has also occurred when I have tried to help her when she has wanted to be more independent.
As she has become more accepting of my help, conflicts have lessened. The exceptions usually occur in the morning right after she has gotten ready for our morning visit to Panera. It takes her a while to be ready for conversation, and I am prone to rush that.
Some mornings when she meets me in the kitchen, I can tell quickly that she’s not in a good mood. My initial approach was humor. To some extent it seemed to work. She is not a natural kidder, but it prompted her to joke with me. She liked kidding me about my compulsiveness. Over time, she seemed to be more serious than before. That caused me to change my approach. I began to avoid saying anything that smacked of kidding her and to adopt a more loving response. I have found that I can re-direct her when she is not in a good mood by responding lovingly. This works. Sometimes she brushes it off, but most of the time she comes around rather quickly. We are fortunate to be able to work so well together. I hope it continues.
