Yesterday was a nice day for us. We met Kevin’s family at their house and then went to lunch. Following lunch, we went to TopGolf for a couple of hours. Kate was a good sport. She didn’t want to play. At first, she was disappointed when she realized where we were. It turns out she thought she had to play with us. When I told her she didn’t, she was pleased. I told her I would get her iPad from the car, and she could work puzzles while we played. I brought it to her, but she never used it. She just sat there. She didn’t really seem to be bothered, but she wasn’t enjoying herself. Two hours is a long time to sit while others are having fun. She never complained, and I doubt that anyone else noticed that she would rather be doing something else. I felt sorry for her. We were all having such a good time, and she was just passively sitting there.
As we were leaving, Kevin asked if we might want to come by the house or take a break at the hotel before our having dinner. I asked Kate, and she chose to go back to the house. After a while, I sensed that she might like to return to the hotel. She did. We stayed there until time for a barbeque dinner at our favorite place here. We all enjoyed ourselves.
Despite having a good time, it bothers me for Kate not to have the same level of engagement as she used to. It really is impossible for her to understand and keep up with the conversation. It brings back memories of my mother when she was going through the same thing. I can’t imagine what is going on in her brain. At one point, she asked me, “Where are we?” At the hotel, she has asked a couple of times where the bathroom is. Before leaving Kevin’s family last night, he told us about a game they had bought, Telepathy. His family had learned about it from Kate’s cousin, Tina, who lives in Fairbanks. Kate has always loved Tina. Ken explained that Tina had taught them, and that everyone loved it. It was clear to me that Kate did not understand what Ken had said. I simply called attention to what he had said and made it clear that Tina had introduced them to the game. She understood, but I know she forgot soon after that.
Soon after we returned to the hotel, Kate got into bed. I went over to her side and kissed her. Then I said, “I like spending Christmas with you.” She said, “We’ve had a lot of nice Christmases.” I said, “And we’ll keep on having them forever.” She said, “There are limits you know. We’ll enjoy what we can.” I said, “Yes, we will.” It was said as though she could tell the “light is dimming” on our time together. I know she recognizes that she has lost much of her ability to do things, but I find it hard to believe that she recognizes how close she is to the last chapters in our marriage as it presently exists. The fact that I was perceiving how lost she seemed today makes me consider the possibility that she does.
