Over the past two days, I have heard the stories of two different caregivers of people with dementia. I have identified with both of them. In each instance, the dominant message involved their loving relationships. This is in striking contrast to the many posts that I read on the Caregivers Forum on the Alzheimer’s Association website and the Memory People group on Facebook. I have trouble identifying with so many of those because they are written by people whose patience has reached its limits. They are tired, frustrated, and often angry, if not at the person with dementia, with other family members.
I have stated many times in this journal that Kate and I have been very fortunate. While we face many of the classic issues accompanying Alzheimer’s (forgetfulness, losing things, dressing, toilet issues, etc.), we have not had to deal with problems created by family members, having to simultaneously work and also care for the person with dementia (PWD), and trying personality issues.
This is a reminder to me that the situations in which the caregiver and PWD find themselves are as different as those that all families encounter. When things go well (as they have for Kate and me), one is prone to believe there is something special about the way we have handled the situation. It often leads to our telling others how they should do things.
I don’t want this journal to be guilty of that. I feel for those who have faced the greatest of challenges with this disease. If there is something that others might glean from our experiences, I am happy. I don’t, however, want to suggest that others should do what we have done or that what has worked for us will work for everyone. All of us begin with our own assets and liabilities. From there we try work out the best plan for ourselves. That is what we have done. I think that is all any of us can do. As I have said, Kate and I are fortunate. We have faced many of the typical trials and tribulations of Alzheimer’s, but we have not (yet) faced some of the most difficult ones. My heart goes out to those of you who find yourselves in a very different situation.
