We have had another nice day. Again, it was a day with a good bit of activity. That really helps. This morning we went to the Shepherd’s Center for the second time. It was even better this time because we were there from 9:00 until after lunch at 1:00. We attended classes on the Holocaust at 9, Heroes and Legends at 10, and Classic Movies at 11 before having lunch at 12. Kate enjoyed all of it. We could have stayed another hour, but she was a little tired. We spent the afternoon at home. First, she remained outside for about an hour. When she came inside, she worked on her iPad for a while. Then she told me she was going to take a bath. After that she remained in her robe and got into bed with her iPad. I have been working on my new computer to get everything set up and operating on a Carbonite backup in the cloud. At 6:00, I asked her if she would like to go to dinner. She said she would after she finished the puzzle on which she was working. This was a day in which she got her clothes without my help. I offered, but she said she could do it. I had hung the 3 pair of slacks we bought yesterday in her closet. She did not wear any of them, but she found a pair of chinos for this morning and a nice pair of black slacks to wear to dinner. We had dinner at Hathaway’s where we sat at a booth across from a couple we have known from the Symphony and the music club. Saying that things went well doesn’t mean there were no signs of her Alzheimer’s. There are always signs of that. The difference was that they were the kind of things that don’t generate frustration for either one of us. For example, one of the reasons I wanted to go to Hathaway’s is that we can split a good meal (tonight it was a ribeye with a baked sweet potato). It turned out onion rings came with the steak, and I ate 4 of those. I am trying not to eat too much. When the server asked if we wanted dessert, I was prepared to say no when Kate said, “We could split something.” When this happens, I go for the dessert. I don’t want to look back on these days and think, “I wish I had been looser with my diet when we went out to eat.” This kind of thing happens more than I would like, but I feel it is the right thing to do. The other thing was the continued Deja Vu experiences she has. As we were driving away from the restaurant, she said, “I’ve see that couple (on bicycles) right here before.” There have been several of those experiences today.
A Nice Evening
Last night Kate and I went to a special Sicilian dinner and wine tasting at Casa Bella. Kate was not excited about going. I think it was ambiguity over what might be open the menu. It turned out to be very good in quality though I don’t think the price was worth it for us. When I look at it as an experience, it was worth it. We sat with a couple with whom we had shared a table about a month ago. At first I wondered if Kate would enjoy it. As it turned out, she had a good time. They are both big talkers, and so am I. This meant that Kate did not get as much time to chat, but I think she felt this took the pressure off of her.
I am writing from Panera where Kate is getting her morning muffin and working on the iPad. Before coming over she asked me where her iPad was. I told her I didn’t know but would look for it. She made no effort to help, another indication of her acceptance of help. As noted before, permitting me to help can be a good thing for me. It also comes with a measure of sadness over her sacrificing her independence for which she has fought so fiercely.
We didn’t get to shop for new clothes or go to Lowe’s for new plants yesterday. I hope that we will work in both of these things today.
Nice Weekend
Although I may have thought and given the impression that all of our good days are behind us, I am happy to report that “it isn’t so.” The past few days including the weekend were very nice days for us. I’m not entirely sure what has made the difference. One thing that has been different during the past week is a new approach to clothing for Kate. First of all, we bought 3 new pair of slacks for Kate about 10 days ago. I have tried to keep them in my closet after she has worn them. I have also identified several other pairs of slacks that fit her and brought them to my closet as well. At the same time, and I think I have mentioned this is previous posts, she has asked for my help in finding the right clothes. That has led me to pick out clothes for her on several days. I would get a pair of slacks from my closet and find a top to match and put them on the bed in her room/office. At least two times this hasn’t worked because she didn’t realize/remember that I had put them there for her to wear. I have learned to be more direct in choosing the clothes and telling her at an appropriate time what and where they are. It has to be done at the moment she is ready to get dressed. The best news for me is that she has accepted my doing this. This morning she accepted the slacks I got for her to wear to Panera where we are passing some time right now, but she said, “I’ll pick out the top.” It is still discouraging to see her relinquish some of her independence, but it makes things a lot easier. She is getting less picky about what she wears; so that also makes it easier for me.
One other thing I am starting to do is identify clothes that need cleaning. Every Tuesday morning a driver from our cleaners stops by the house to pick up my shirts etc. I am going to include some of her things each week. I think that will help in terms of keeping her clothes looking nicer.
Although her favorite clothing store has been very helpful in the selection of new clothes for Kate, they are an upscale (i.e., expensive) shop. What she needs now for the most part is everyday casual wear. I think we will go to J Crew this afternoon and buy 3 or 4 pair of slacks and several tops to go with them. Then I think we (I?) will clean out the closet in her room and use it or a section of it for the everyday clothes. That should help both of us. I am not naïve. I realize that she can’t remember everything, but this will make it less confusing for her.
I continue to keep her as active as possible. She does not go to church with me anymore. That stopped just before Christmas. It is just too much for both of us to get ready for me to meet my Sunday school class. I come home right after class, and we go to lunch. Yesterday we went to a movie in the afternoon. She was able to rest at home after lunch and after the movie. We went to Opera Thursday at Casa Bella last week. We will be back there tonight for a special Italian dinner. In the past two weeks we have been to Nashville to visit the Greeleys, Ellen, and the Davises. She has seemed happier. I should also mention that she has spent a little more time in the yard which is a passion of hers. Oh, I almost forgot, we also joined the Shepherd’s Center. While we only went to one class last week, we will do more this Wednesday. We will also have lunch there. So all in all, things are not going badly even though her decline has not been arrested. As I have said before, we are grateful for what we have.
Deja Vu continues
I haven’t said anything about Kate’s Déjà vu experiences in a while, but they continue with regularity, mostly in restaurants. The next most frequent mention of having seen the same person or people. These occur when she sees people from the car typically in our neighborhood. Apart from that she occasionally has the feeling that she has seen something on TV or a movie that she couldn’t have seen. We are sitting here in the family room watching a Masterpiece Theater production. It was recorded just 2 weeks ago and was the first episode in a new season; so we hadn’t watched it before. Three times now in the first ¼ – 1/3 of the show she has commented about remembering “seeing this part.” This occurred even though we had had no conversation about seeing this program before. She just felt that she had.
Contrasts Between Highs and Lows
Since my last entry on Wednesday when we went to the Shepherd’s Center and to Nashville, we have had a number of highs (a lot) and some lows (a few). The highs include attending a class at the Shepherd’s Center, visiting with the Davises in Nashville, Kate’s working for almost 3 hours in the yard yesterday morning and again for a while in the afternoon, and attending Opera Thursday last night at Casa Bella. The lows involve our visit with Ellen and several instances involving Kate’s clothes. Let me comment first on our time with Ellen.
This is another instance in which I might have prevented a problem but let it slip up on me. First of all, we found that Ellen’s speech was not better than it was on our previous visit. In fact, it seemed like we were able to understand less of what she said than before. We had a good conversation. We arrived just after 2:30, and planned to stay until 4:30. Just before 3:45, Kate indicated that it was time to go. I held back for a few minutes but then gave in to her desire to leave. When we got in the car, I learned that she had felt that Ellen and I dominated the conversation and left her out. She is right that we dominated the conversation. Ellen talked a lot as she has done on our previous visits. She has always been a big talker; however, I have felt that she must not have as much opportunity for conversation now that she is in assisted living. I think it is for that reason that she talks so much now which is ironic since it is so hard for her to be understood.
During the time we were there, I noticed that Kate was not talking much. I attributed that to her not having anything to say. I think, however, that the problem is that she is slow to interject her thoughts in a conversation while Ellen and I are more forceful. Kate was quite hurt by this which was a great disappointment on my part because I have been thinking of these visits as something that is good for her. I believe that the next time we visit I will leave the room for a while and give Ellen and Kate a chance to talk on their own. In addition, I will be more sensitive to Kate’s need to engage more fully in the conversation and not be so quick to jump in when there is a pause.
The other lows have involved Kate’s clothes once again. I am trying now to set out the clothes she could wear (though I haven’t yet done so this morning). I am finding that when I lay them out, she forgets. She throws or puts them other places. When I ask about them, she has no idea where they are or were or that I had put them out for her in the first place. The good news is that she seems to accept my selecting her clothes, something she has not wanted me to do in the past. This suggests a transition from her taking control of her clothes to my doing so.
As I have reported in the past, she has been having moments of panic attacks when she misplaces things. Most often this involves her clothes. Once yesterday, when she came out dressed in something different from what I had given her, she didn’t panic when I took her back to her room and looked for the clothes I had selected. She simply accepted my suggestion. It was an act of giving in. While this makes it easier for me, it is also hard on me to see her give up her independence because I know how important that has been to her.
Our Day
I am very happy to report that we got to the Shepherd’s Center just before class and that registration was a snap, just a matter of turning in the registration form and check that I had completed before. We went directly to our class and were able to find 2 seats together. The best news is that when the class was over, Kate said, “He is really good. I want to be here every time.” The class we attended is about the Holocaust and is taught by a retired UT professor. I was not overly impressed at the depth of his lecture, but he was ideal for Kate.
Immediately following the class we bumped into one of my dad’s friends who had taught the writing class he attended for several years. Since we are going to Nashville to see Ellen today, we didn’t stay any longer. We have a little time before leaving; so we came back to Panera to get muffin a muffin and to pass a little time here.
As I was pulling into a parking space, Kate told me she was going to take off her hose. They were too tight. I just finished buying 5 pair last week. I ordered while she found a place for us to sit. When I got to our seats, she was in the ladies room. In a minute, she came back and said now she was more comfortable. I asked what she had done with the hose. She told me she had thrown them away. This is another problem in that it was one of the 5 pair purchased last week. I am almost positive that they were her size. It does concern me that we waste so much money. I just hate being wasteful. We have spent most of our lives being conscious about our spending. This is just one of the things that requires changes in my habits.
Challenges with Clothes
Just a quick note before we head out to our first day at the Shepherds Center where we are going to take a course on the Holocaust. I tried something new with respect to Kate’s clothes this morning. I went to her closet and picked out a top, a sweater, and shoes for her to wear today. I also got a black pair of slacks from my closet. I showed them to her. She approved, and I laid them out on our bed where she was sitting after taking her shower. I left her to dress. When I went back a little while and found that she was wearing something different than I put out. I checked the bed where I had put the clothes. She had moved them. I let her keep her slacks on even thought they were not the ones I picked out. I found that she had opened the new pair of hose but had thrown the hose on the bed. I gave those to her. She was wearing the shoes and top that I had gotten for her. She had left the nice sweater in her room. I got it for her. We are ready to ready to leave when she said she wanted her ears cleaned out. I put drops in, and she is letting it soak. I am now going to wash out her ear, and we will go.
We left in something of a rush.
Back to Lowe’s, and I’m happy.
I never thought I would say that I was happy to hear Kate say she wanted to go to Lowe’s again. Last year, we spent a good bit of money on plants. I accepted this without resistance because I knew that working in the yard (and having plants to plant) is a major activity for her. It is truly her therapy. Today’s visit was the first since January. While it has been nice not to make several trips a week, it left a void in Kate’s activities. For that reason I was thrilled when she mentioned an interest. When we got home, she changed clothes and has been working outside for almost 2 hours. I finally had to call her in to get her shower and dress for dinner. We will probably go to her favorite Mexican restaurant.
On the way to Lowe’s we did have another mini-crisis. We had just been to a movie where she had gotten a Mr. Pibb. She still had most of it left when we left and brought it with her to the car. She put it in the cup holder between the driver and passenger’s seats. In a few minutes she picked up the cup to take a drink. When she did, it slipped from her hand and spilled her drink on both seats but mostly in the two cup holders and, I am sure, the carpet at least on the passenger side. The upset her tremendously. Once again she took this as a sign of her failing. She has commented before on not being able to do anything right. There is a good bit of truth in this conclusion, but I hate for her to feel so badly about it.
Perhaps I should explain a little of the back ground to her being so upset. She knows that I am very particular with my car. Years ago in previous cars when they were new (from just purchased to 3 years old), I didn’t permit food or drink in the car. I have loosened up on that over the years, but I still try to keep the car in great shape (as I do with most things I own). So it is not just knowing that she is getting a bit clumsy that causes the panic; it is knowing that keeping the car clean is a high priority for me. She is correct that it troubles me, but I have learned to accept this as I have learned to accept so many other things that are not part of my own personality preferences.
A similar incident occurred last week. This time it had nothing to do with my own concern about taking care of things although I must admit it was something that bothered me a little. I was helping her with something in the bedroom when she started to put a glass of Diet Coke on her bed table. She put it on the edge of the table and the mostly full glass spilled on the carpet and the iPad and power cable for it. Fortunately, not much hit the iPad, and I wiped it off quickly. I did the same with the power cord which got much more. This and today’s spilling of her drink in the car are good example of the kind of childlike things that occur much more frequently than in the past. They are also a good example of the kinds of things about which I am making adjustments, and I think I am doing so successfully. I admit that it starts with my taking a rational approach to whatever happens. Then I am better able to minimize the emotional reaction that I have inside. I find, however, that Kate knows me so well that she knows the things that bother me even if I don’t express it..
Crisis, Come and Gone, Only to Return Again?
Late yesterday after my entry indicating that Kate’s crisis was over, it appeared that everything was fine again. Then as we prepared to go to dinner, she asked was looking for shoes to wear. I told her I thought they were in our bedroom where she had been resting and then using her iPad. I went to the bedroom and brought them back. Before I left her in her bedroom, I heard her becoming frantic and starting to cry. By the time I returned with the shoes, she was in tears again. I put my arms around her. Through her tears she said, “I can’t find anything.” She continued to be distressed when we got in the car to go. I put on the second movement of Brahms’s Violin Concerto which is a soothing piece of music that I regularly play in the car to calm her. In a few minutes, she said, “I really could not live without you.”
When we got to the restaurant and sat down, I could see that she was depressed even though the tears had stopped. I reached across the table and grasped her hands in mind and said something I intended to be comforting. She said, “I am just a little low right now.” I, of course, was thinking this was an expression of her continued frustration over misplacing things. Then she said, “To say that about my mother.” Then I knew that she was thinking about believing that someone had said something about her mother. I started to say something. She stopped me and said, “And I know it’s not a dream.” That is something I have suggested following previous occurrences. Moments after this, she smiled and said, “I’m over it now.” Then she was fine for the balance of the meal and the evening.
What concerns me is the intensity of her frustration. If it is at this level now, it is bound to get worse before it gets better. She is really suffering pain even though I don’t think it weighs on her mind all the time. Since she can’t remember things from one minute to the next, she always has to face not being able to find something she wants or needs. I wish I could relieve her of the problem.
Recovery
Shortly after I finished my previous entry, our daughter, Jesse, called. This was the first time we have spoken with her in 6-8 weeks. It was good to hear her voice. This was also good for Kate . We finished our conversation right at 3:00 and had to rush out to a movie that was to start at 3:30 downtown. It turned out that when we arrived we saw the longest line we had ever seen at this theater. It is a small one compared to the mainstream theaters. As soon as we got out of the car, I realized I didn’t have my wallet. That meant we couldn’t buy ticket anyway; so we came back home.
Once home I came inside and uploaded some of my CDs to my computer. Kate remained outside to prune her plants. While she was outside, I took some time to look for her iPad and found it on the floor in the bathroom of the big guest room. I then took it into our bedroom to be charged. I decided not to rush outside and tell her we could celebrate the finding of her iPad. I wanted to see if she might remember it was lost. This had been such a traumatic experience for her that I thought she would. When she finally came in about 20 minutes ago, I was syncing her iPad with my calendar. I told her what I was doing, and she smiled. She started to get something to drink. I took her iPad to the bedroom to charge it and left it on our bed. She is now working jigsaw puzzles on it and hasn’t said the first word about finding it. This puts me in a bit of a quandary. I hate not to have given her the opportunity to feel good about our finding it. On the other hand, I was concerned that it would remind her that she had misplaced it in the first place. I think I may just let it ride. She’s happy.
