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The Good Thing Is . . .

This past Saturday night Kate and I went to a wedding. This was the first time that two of my staff members had been with Kate since I told them about her Alzheimer’s in July or August. This morning as the three of us talked about the wedding, I asked them if they would have known about Kate’s illness if I had not told them. They said absolutely not. They recounted conversations they had had with her and how comfortably she had handled herself.

That led me to tell them something that I had been thinking about lately and have mentioned in my journal on previous occasions (I think). One of the really good things about Alzheimer’s is that there is such a long period between the time the patient and her husband recognize the problems and the point at which others notice. Clearly this isn’t true for everyone. I still remember that over two years ago this summer our pastor invited me to lunch and asked if Kate were all right. He made it clear that someone had noticed something different about Kate. It is equally obvious that in more extended conversations like those of Saturday night that even people who know can’t detect any signs.

It is also worth noting that in a conversation with Kevin this past Friday morning, he told me that he still would not know if I hadn’t told Jesse and him earlier this year. He hasn’t seen her, but he has had phone conversations some of which have been lengthy. I consider this aspect of Alzheimer’s to be a blessing for the patient and her husband.

The realization of this positive aspect of the disease has made me think a little more about the need or desire to tell others about her condition. I have been telling a few people this year and have thought of telling others. In particular, I have thought about telling Bruce Morton, my old college roommate. I have hesitated because we both know Nancy Hardwick whose husband, Charlie, has dementia. They were both classmates of ours at TCU. About 10 days ago, Bruce asked me if I knew anything about how Charlie was doing. When we last saw him at our 50th class reunion, I knew from Nancy but could not tell that he had dementia. This made me think that Bruce might be in touch with Nancy. Since is originally from Fort Worth and has both Fort Worth and TCU ties in common with us, I would not want her to know before Kate’s family. That has made me wonder if the time has come to tell them. We will be in Fort Worth the weekend before Thanksgiving. I had already decided I didn’t want them to know before the visit but thought that after the visit might be the right time. Now I am thinking there is no reason to tell them until later. We will see in time how I handle this.

Jigsaw Puzzling

Several times lately Kate has said she loves her iPad. That is quite a shift since I got it for her a couple of years ago. She hardly used it for a year, but more recently she has gotten into it. I believe the major attraction has been the ability to work jigsaw puzzles on it. It appears to be one of the first things she does in the morning, and one of the last things she does before going to bed. It is not an obsession, but I believe it is a result of its being something, like pruning, that she is able to do and to do at her own pace. No one is pushing her.

At the moment she is working a puzzle at a time when I believe she should be getting ready to get her hair cut. We have arranged for her to see a new hairdresser since her former one is no longer able to do her hair. It has been over 4 weeks since she has had her hair done. At any rate, I know she is eager to get her hair done, but she is still working on the iPad. Whoops, I just went back to the bedroom to check on her. She is up. The bed is made. She must be getting her clothes on.

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Frustrating Experience

This morning I looked at my calendar and noticed that I had volunteered to call three members of church today to wish them Happy Birthday. Kate had three people, I think, to call on Monday. I had given her the cards with the calling information on them that morning. I had forgotten to follow up until now. When I got home from the Y and a stop by the office, I asked Kate if she had made the calls. She had forgotten. Then she got angry with herself. I felt bad for her. I should have remembered to remind her that afternoon. Now she is suffering for it. She asked that I remind her to make the calls later today.

I am wondering how this is going to work out. I had signed us up for the committee that makes these calls because I thought it might be something that she could do and enjoy. It may turn out that she doesn’t do them at all.

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Appreciation

In the recent past I have noted that Kate is more irritable than in the past. More specifically, I noted that she gets peeved with me. Now I would like to report that she is going through a phase in which she is expressing an unusual degree of appreciation for what I do for her. She frequently says, “”Marrying you is the best thing I ever did.” Every time I help her with something, she seems quite appreciative and is more expressive of her need for me than before. The things I do don’t have to be of much significance. For example, last night she picked up her iPad before getting into bed. She discovered the battery was exhausted. I said, “”Give it to me, I’ll charge it for you.” She said something like, “”Oh, that would be wonderful. I can never figure out which thing to use.” She handed the iPad to me. I plugged it in, and she picked it up and started using it. Then she said something else. I don’t recall exactly what it was, but it was an expression of appreciation.

This makes me wonder if she is experiencing more problems doing everyday things and suffering more frustration. Nothing other than her appreciation indicates that is the case. I also am beginning to wonder if she is entering a stage in which she doesn’t cognitively process things in a way that leads to her being depressed, but she clearly still feels frustration.

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Little Mistakes

Yesterday afternoon I picked up the mail as we were driving in from dinner. I gave it to Kate since I was driving. I noticed that one item was a package wrapped in a strong plastic like a shipment of clothing from LL Bean. I felt it and told Kate that it was my new checks that I had ordered last week. Later last night I opened the refrigerator to see the package on a shelf. I know this is supposed to be a common type of behavior for someone who has Alzheimer’s, but this is the first time I have noticed this. I have frequently noticed, however, that she typically puts things down in various places for convenience (on the floor, a chair, a sofa, the bed, etc.). It seems a bit stranger to open the refrigerator door and put the checks in it.

This morning we went to our monthly Y breakfast. Kate has given up tea as a way to minimize her acid reflux. For that reason, I told the waitress not to bring her iced tea as usual but to bring her water. She did so and also brought my hot tea. In a moment I noticed that Kate had taken my tea. I didn’t say anything. I just order another one for me. She never realized that she had taken mine.

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An Example of Things

This morning I came from the office to take Kate to lunch before I went to a Rotary meeting. She was on her laptop in the bedroom as I walked in. She said, “”My dental appointment is.” . . “ Then she looked at her laptop calendar and said, “”September 23 at noon.” I didn’t say anything, but, of course, September 23 is long past. She had gotten an email reminder of her appointment a day or two before the 23rd. I realized we had a conflict on that day; so I called the dentist and rescheduled for January. Sometime thereafter she ran across the appointment listed on her September calendar and let me know that she had a dental appointment on September 23. I reminded her that we had changed the appointment and that it was past the 23rd. Sometime after we got home from our cruise (last week), she said that she had an appointment on the 23. I simply told her we had changed it until January. Today when she told me once again, I didn’t say anything. I felt it was better not to tell her it was almost November and that the appointment is now in January.

The funny thing about this is that she doesn’t seem to recall that we had made the change. The more typical thing that happens is that she asks me when something is and when I tell her, she says, “”I know. You told me that before.” Sometimes she says, “”I’ve asked you that 2 or 3 times.”

I still want to reinforce that despite these memory issues we can have a good times together. I believe our quality of life is quite good even though we are both making adjustments to her changing condition.

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Not Learning Enough Patience

It is now fall. That means another time for planting. We have been to Lowe’‘s a couple of times already. Friday Kate mentioned that she wanted me to take her back to get some more mums. Today after lunch I did just that. When we got to Lowe’s I noticed that she walked right by the table with the largest selection of mums that is right outside their main section. I got a cart and took it to her. I found her looking at a small section of mums like the ones she had purchased before. She didn’t get any. She walked around without appearing to have a plan. I am confident that she didn’t. Then she picked out a couple of plants that were not mums and continued looking at other plants that were clearly not mums. I suspect she had forgotten that she wanted to get mums; so I reminded her that she had wanted mums, and I wanted to make sure she didn’t get a full load before getting what she said she came for. She seemed to accept this, but before we could get back to the mums section, she picked out several other plants. If I hadn’t reminded her again, we might easily have purchased a full load and not gotten what we came for.

This, of course, is looking at it from my perspective. The reality (I believe) is that she doesn’t have a formal plan anyway. She just likes to buy things that she likes when she sees them. She can always find a place for them. She can tell when I get frustrated which must bother her, and it bothers me. I need to develop more patience to just let her do what she enjoys without trying to get her to approach things the way I would do.

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Shopping for Clothes

This is Friday. We got back home from our cruise on Wednesday afternoon.. Yesterday Kate mentioned that she would like me to take her to Belk’s for a sale they are having this weekend. Today after lunch I did so. I went with some trepidation because she still can’t put her hands on all the things we have bought since February. I sat down in a chair and waited while she strolled through the store. She must have spent almost 45 minutes walking around and trying on a few things. At one point she showed me a top and a pair of slacks that I am sure she had shown me earlier. She was sure that she had not. We finally ended up with 2 sweaters and 2 pair of slacks. When we got home, I took a picture of the things so that I can remember what she bought. I did so because she may ask me the whereabouts of these things, and I probably won’t remember without a picture.

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A New Observation

For a long time I have made a point of saying that the person with Alzheimer’s does in fact know they have the disease, and it frustrates them. In the past 2-3 months I have come to another observation. The Alzheimer’s patient is like all of us in that he or she does not recognize the basis of all behaviors. In Kate’s case, she is most frustrated by the difficulty she has performing tasks like working with the computer or remembering where she puts things. On the other hand, I don’t believe she has any recognition of the lack of care of thought with which she does things. I think it was those things that were the first signs something was wrong, not a problem with memory. Just yesterday she had an experience that may illustrate this lack of recognition.

She has lost several pair of clippers that she used to trim her shrubs. I know I have bought at least 3 or 4 since spring not including 2 I bought this past week. Day before yesterday she told me she had lost one of the 2 new ones. Yesterday she asked me to walk around the yard and help her look for them which I did. Neither of us found them. When she came inside, she said something like, “I just don’t know how I do this?” The way she said it, I was unsure whether this was simply an expression of frustration or if she really doesn’t know the cause of her behavior. I am well aware that she doesn’t recognize how far along she is, but I have assumed that she grasps the fact that her Alzheimer’s is what causes all the problems like this one. I believe I was wrong about that.

On an unrelated note, she came inside for some water about 45 minutes ago. When she saw me, she said, “I didn’t know you were here.” That made me stop and think about it. This is a Saturday morning, and I have been inside working on my SS lesson for tomorrow. She doesn’t usually know what day it is; so she was thinking it is just like every day. She works in the yard while I am at the office (though nowadays that normally occurs on MWF, not the other 4 days of the week). She was probably thinking I was coming home from the office. Then walked in the house only to see that I was here. Before going back outside, she asked me how long I had been at home. That gave me a jolt because I assumed she had grasped that I had been home all along. I thought a moment and said, “”Well, since I came home from getting my haircut yesterday afternoon.” She looked at me and said, “”That wasn’t funny.” I apologized, and she said, “”Well, it was a little funny.” I could not help wondering if she did not think it funny because I was making light of the fact that she can’t help getting mixed up on such things.

Two days ago, she asked me where the church directory was. I told her the last time I had seen it she had taken it out of the drawer in the kitchen where we kept it. She said, “”That’s scary.” This was said matter-of-factly. She wasn’t making a big deal of it but it seems to me interpreting the situation as one in which her Alzheimer’s could mean the directory could be anyplace. Indeed, I have looked around the house without success. It really could be anyplace.

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On Stage

Yesterday afternoon we went to a performance of Five Guys Names Moe at a small local theater. We were seated on the front row and the entire audience numbered about 20. During the final number in the first act, the actors invited members of the audience including Kate to join them in a conga line and they danced around the room. She joined in with little hesitation and seemed to enjoy it. During the first part of the second act, a member of the cast grabbed her hand and walked her up to the stage. Other cast members brought two other women up as well. Then the three were asked to take a seat in chairs set up on the front center of the stage. Kate sat in the middle. A cast member asked each one two questions: “What is your name?” and “Are you here with your husband or a date?” Kate spoke right up and in a loud (not too loud) voice said, “”Kate.” To the next question she said, “”My husband of 52 years.” We have actually been married 51 years, but I know where she got 52. We were in a discussion several weeks ago. I had said we had been celebrated our 51st anniversary in May and were now in our 52nd year. In an email earlier today, I mentioned this account to my friends, Tom and Carl. They wondered whether she had been more at ease because of the small audience. I told them I didn’t think so but that I do think she is a little less inhibited now which I believe is a function of her Alzheimer’s.

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“Don’t count me out yet.”

Last night as we were driving to dinner, Kate said she had counted 8 people walking along the street. This is a habit she has gotten into the past year or so. She started do this after noticing that she sees more people walking along this street than she does other streets. She then told me that she had counted the walkers while listening to me. I joked about her being a multitasker. She then looked at me and said, “”Don’t count me out yet.” This is not the first time she has said this though it is not something she says all the time. I have heard her say this as many as 5 times (an estimate). This is another example of our light-hearted way of recognizing her situation but not dwelling on it or approaching it with sadness.