In my comments in the previous post, I neglected to indicate how I am feeling about things right now. Let me try to quickly summarize this. On the whole, I am feeling all right as is Kate. We don’t dwell on her AD. We are enjoying being together. We are staying active – going to movies, theater, etc. We have learned to live somewhat comfortably with the reality that we are facing.
At the same time, I have to acknowledge that Kate in particular suffers frustration and some depression. It is not surprising that this is rougher on her than on me. She knows she is less and less able to do things that were easy for her in the past. I am having 2 reactions. One is sadness for her. I hate to see her suffer. I work hard to provide experiences that take her mind off of her lessening abilities. The second, however, is frustration with her and with myself. I have to admit that I am not always as patient I want to be. When I face a specific instance in which I fail to respond properly (with great understanding), I am frustrated with myself. I have often expressed this to her. Because she is for the most part normal, and because we have a long history together, I tend to treat her in the same way that I did years ago. Then I recognize that she is different now. She cannot help doing (or not doing) certain things. A typical situation would be that I have told her something that she has forgotten. I may say, “But I told you.” Then I recognize that telling her does not mean she will remember. Then I feel guilty. This actually puts an unusual burden on her because it adds one more instance in which she has done “something wrong.” This kind of thing happens a lot.
She doesn’t like me to give explanations nor does she like to give them herself. The other day she sent me an email asking if Taylor would be 10 on his birthday (today). I sent a reply saying yes. Then I started to give her what I thought would be an easy way for her to remember his age. After starting a sentence, I realized that she wouldn’t be able to understand what I was telling her.
One other issue I continue to have is planning for things that are months or even a year away. The biggest issues involve travel. We are looking at the possibility of a trip to New Zealand next year, perhaps January or February. If I felt there were challenging moments on the most recent trip to South America, what will things be like next year. Should I make plans? I face a conflict between arranging for her to make a trip that she has talked about for a long time versus the difficulty of our being able to handle it when the time comes.
Still the bottom line is that we are adapting well. I think the most depressing times for me lie ahead. How far ahead I don’t know.
