Dad’s 99th Birthday

This past Saturday we had Dad’s 99th birthday party at our house. We had a total of 58 people on a beautiful, sunny day. Kate and I both had a feeling of relief yesterday. She was absolutely worn out. We both went to bed around 8:30. Besides the weather’s being great,  everyone seemed to enjoy the party, especially Dad.

We did quite a lot in preparation for the party. We painted the outside of the house, had some electrical work done, got a new rug for the family room, bought a new love seat for the family room, cleaned up the garage, did more than the usual cleaning of the house, and Kate did a lot of work outside with her plants. All of these things needed to be done anyway. The party was just a catalyst to do them now. Of course, they don’t include all the things directly related to the party like invitations printed and mailed, selection of a caterer and menu, decisions about handling the crowd outside, inside, and what to do if it rains, etc. I don’t like managing details, and event planning is far from my strength. With all this done I can now focus on other things for a while.

Kate’s AD had quite an impact on me during the preparations and during the weekend, but I don’t think anyone else would have been aware of her condition at all. There are things that came up that could have potentially alerted someone, but to my knowledge nothing gave her away. One time she came to me as we were preparing to serve dinner to the family Saturday evening after the party. She took me aside and whispered in my ear, “Where do we keep the wine glasses?” I got them for her, and no one knew.

I was aware that the preparations put her under a lot of stress. I felt a lot of stress myself, but it must be double or triple that for her because of insecurity that comes from her inability to think clearly and to remember the many details required to pull off something like this. One of the things that was troublesome to me was her focus on her plants and landscaping when I felt we should be focusing on more basic things like the cleanliness of the house. I also felt the load was completely on my shoulders. She gets flustered by making decisions, and thankfully, defers to me for most things. That meant that she did precious little to manage any of the little things like meals for our family. I do wonder if people notice this. She has just bowed out of the routine things she would have done in the past.

A Brief Overnight Trip to Nashville

Yesterday we went to Nashville to visit our friends, Ann and Jeff Davis. We had a nice lunch with them and then went back to their home for a visit. We had a good time, but as we left, Kate said she felt a little insecure with them. The Davises are both very smart. She felt it was difficult for her to join in on the conversation and felt a little left out. I was disappointed because Ann is someone Kate has always admired. At one time, the Davises had lived in Knoxville. I hope that our next visit with them is more successful.

Before meeting the Davises, we went to a mall in Franklin. As is our custom, we wanted to go our separate ways and set a time to meet at Belk’s. I waited for her about 15 minutes before calling her on her cell phone. It turned out that she was waiting at Sears. Today we went back to the mall and arranged to meet at same place. While I was waiting for her, she called to ask where to meet me. It can be difficult to coordinate with her.

 

Pain, Pain, Pain

This past Friday, Kate and I drove to Nashville where we had dinner with and old friend from Wisconsin and three of her friends. On Saturday, we got together with our daughter, Jesse, and her boys who were there for half-marathon on Sunday.

Overall it was a good weekend, but it was also a trying one for Kate After Friday night’s dinner, she commented on how people seem to ignore her and give their attention to me. She also expressed her fear that increasingly she feels uncomfortable in conversation. She has a special fear of asking things she has just asked which I have observed a few times. She says she sees herself becoming quiet the way she has seen other AD victims do.

She hasn’t wanted to talk about it, but I have noticed that she was low as we returned on Monday. She has my cold now, but I don’t believe that is the explanation. We were together for lunch, and I took her to a new ice cream shop downtown to give her a little boost. She seemed to enjoy it, but it didn’t really change things.

I should have entitled this entry (started this morning) as Pain, Pain, Pain. It is the confluence of several things at one time that makes it stressful. I am reminded of the Psalms. Many of them are written when the authors were on the mountain top. These sing praises to God and give thanks for all the blessings of life. Many others, however, are written from The Pit of despair. These focus on the challenges of life and often question where God is and appeals to God for help out of disaster. Though my own moods are usually upbeat, I have recognized in the past few years that external events can make it hard to feel optimistic. Right now is one of those times.

Over the past 3 years my business has been terrible. I have lost a lot of the money that I had made over many years. We are now down to 3 staff members. I recently sold the building to a law firm that will occupy the downstairs. We are going to lease the upstairs from them. Last week we made the move and like the new arrangement. However, in the midst of feeling good about selling the building and sensing that the new quarters suit us better, the business itself continues to decline. We just aren’t getting calls anymore. We committed to a one year lease thinking we would be safe because we have booked enough business to almost cover us for a year. It is so slow now that I am beginning to wonder if we were dreaming.

Now let’s add the events of the weekend and the following days at home. For me personally the weekend was great because we were with people we liked and enjoyed pleasant, stimulating conversation. In addition, we had the joy of being with Jesseand her boys. On the other hand, it was not as good for Kate as I pointed out above. She continues to recognize her deteriorating condition. I will SCREAM once again that for a good while AD patients know they are losing it. It is horribly depressing. I think it is especially depressing for people who value intellectual ability as Kate does. It is more than intellectual ability. It is also the ability to operate confidently in the world –, to be able to handle everyday things.

Last night we went to a movie called The Matchmaker at our local arts theater. After we left the movie, Kate said, “I didn’t understand it at all – even after you explained it.” I recognized that she wasn’t just saying that it was a confusing movie but that she was saying her condition prevented her understanding what was going on. When she says things like this, I can see the pain in her face. Then I don’t know what to say. I told her I wished I could help her and that I love her. I started to say more, and she stopped the conversation. This is a typical pattern. Things occur that lead her to say something acknowledging AD and her frustration. Then just as quickly she wants to move on as if continued conversation will only make it worse. I know the pain is greater for her, but it hurts me tremendously.

One thing that struck me and has on other occasions is similarity in my experiences with my dad. Yesterday afternoon I took my old iPhone to the ATT store and had them set it up for dad. When I tried to show him how to turn it on and make calls, he simply couldn’t do it. It was frustrating for him and for me. I had underestimated the difficulty for him. I had even set up a set of favorites to make it easy for him to dial. All he had to do after turning on the phone was to press the name of the person he wanted to call. It was next to impossible for him to do. So this experience was followed by Kate’s not being able to understand the movie that was not that complicated.

Seeing her deterioration over the past year, I can’t help wondering where we will be this time next year. We are planning to make a trip to the Galapagos in January. Will she be up to this? It was a bit of a chore getting her ready for the daily activities on the trip to Africa. Will it be impossible next year?

Yesterday morning, I saw Herman and Betty Snyder at Starbucks. Betty said she was going to call Kate and asked me if she would like to join a Care Team at church. I explored the responsibilities and told her that I thought she probably would not want to do it. When I spoke with Kate last night, she said that she might like to do it. This makes me wonder how realistic she is about things that she can undertake.

Our conversations involve references to future travel. I get the impression that she believes this is something that she will be able to do for a longer period of time than I think she will. Right now, for example, I am thinking the trip to New Zealand may need to be a cruise because it will be easier logistically.

Multiple Signs of Decline

Kate continues to exhibit a variety of her symptoms. Without my giving an exhaustive account of each one, let me just list a few of them briefly.

1. The other night we had a good conversation in which we reflected on our marriage and some of the things we remember so fondly. The next morning when I said something about the conversation, she didn’t remember it at all.

2. After returning from her hairdressers the other day, Kate said that our daughter may know of her Alzheimer’s.  She has suspected this before, but feels more confident now.

3. This past weekend we went to Nashville to visit friends. She was quite stressed in getting ready for our trip. I told her the time we would leave . We left an hour and a half after that time.

The four of us went out to dinner with another couple whom we had not met before. We had a pretty active conversation throughout the evening, and it was hard for Kate to play an active role. She later told me that she felt very isolated. She mentioned that she could imagine her becoming quieter in social situations like this.

She also told me that she was hesitant in the conversation because she was afraid she was going to ask about something the other person had already told her.

I can’t recall another specific example, but she seems to have a harder time putting things together when we are with other people. She often doesn’t understand what people are talking about. The other day after seeing a movie she confessed that she couldn’t follow it.

My recognition that she knows exactly what is happening and is stressed by it dominates a lot of my thinking. I think this is because so many people believe that  person with dementia doesn’t understand that she has the disease.

Apart from the experiences with Kate, I had a frustrating day with Dad as I tried to teach him to use my old iPhone. He just couldn’t get it. Then tonight Kate couldn’t understand the movie. This is not the first time I have seen parallels in their situations.