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Christmas Morning

Kate was quite tired last night. After returning to Kevin’s house after dinner, we came back to our hotel around 9:00. She worked jigsaw puzzles on my iPad for a while and then went to sleep. She slept well and got up around 8:15 this morning while I was at breakfast.

When I got back to the room, she was getting dressed. I wished her a Merry Christmas. She said, “It’s Christmas?” Then she wished me a Merry Christmas. For me this was a sad moment. It is not a surprise at all that she didn’t remember it was Christmas; it was simply another reminder that life is different now and will never be the same again.

I am just thankful that she and I continue to enjoy so many things. It has been an especially good trip. As we returned to the hotel last night, she commented on how much she had enjoyed the evening even though I thought she might not have. The restaurant had misplaced our reservations; so we had to wait about 30 minutes before getting a table. It was also noisy; so it was difficult to have a conversation. In addition, the children played mostly among themselves. The fact is (apparently) that she simply enjoys being with people she loves. I am grateful for that.

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Visit with Jesse

We had a nice visit with Jesse the past three nights. Kate had a wonderful time. We enjoyed daily mornings at Otherlands where we got a bagel and muffins along with coffee and tea while we worked on our iPads. It is an active place that has a welcoming atmosphere.

We have also eaten two nice meals at lunch. We have always found interesting places to eat in Memphis.

Of course, there are the usual  signs of Kate’s AD, but that hasn’t kept us from enjoying ourselves.

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The Trip to New York

We have been back from NYC for 3 days, and I have not written a word about our trip and how it went. The first thing to say is that it was a very good trip. With respect to my plans, I would say that everything worked out perfectly. We did an amazing variety of things and gave the grandchildren a good taste of the city. Kate got along well. It was good that we had Jesse and Ken with us to help with the three boys. I could never have managed Kate and the grandchildren by myself.

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Reflecting on Christmas in Memphis

We got home from Memphis late yesterday afternoon. We had a great time with Jesse and her family. Kate had an especially good time. She enjoys being with Jesse and her family as well as their neighbors, Jeff and Sally, across the street. As she usually does, Kate handled herself well at the reception. She introduced herself to people and had conversations with them. On Christmas afternoon, Jeff and Sally came over before we had Christmas dinner. They were there about 30-40 minutes. Kate and Sally were in their own conversation the entire time.

Kate continues to speak a lot about her family. She also is very expressive about how much she enjoys things (food and people). Yesterday morning I asked Jesse if she had noticed anything different about her mother since they were last together. She said she didn’t though she said she noticed Kate seems more expressive about things. I told her that confirmed what I had heard from Kevin at Thanksgiving. I reiterated to her what I have said here and to others. The good thing about this illness is that she is able to get along so well in social interaction with other people. There are only little things that someone who is close to her might notice. For example, Jesse and I both noticed that when she was speaking to Kevin’s children on Christmas evening, she was thinking that Christmas would be the next day. She asked at least one of them if he was excited about tomorrow and getting presents though that had already occurred that morning.

When we were in Fort Worth for Thanksgiving, she received a directory for her high’ school class. She has misplaced it and has wanted to send email Christmas messages to a number of her friends. She asked me about it several times during the week preceding our trip. At least one of those times she thought I had it. Once she asked me was immediately before the trip. She asked me a couple of times during the trip. She may have asked me about it last night. I know she asked me about it a few minutes ago. Again, she thought I had it. I told her that it was misplaced a couple of weeks ago and that she had said she was going to contact a Waco friend about getting another one. Even though I am quite aware of her forgetfulness, it is surprising to me that she would so easily forget something as important as this directory and after so many times that she has mentioned it to me, and I have told her it is misplaced. I am confident it is here in the house because I can’t imagine her taking it out with her.

One of the days we were in Memphis I got on the Alzheimer’s website and reviewed some of the entries on the caregiver/spouse forum. I found this quite depressing and don’t intend to go back until Kate’s condition has progressed much further than it has so far. I was reading all the horror stories involving bathroom habits, changing bed clothes, etc. It was too depressing.

It did give me two impressions, however. First, Kate is not nearly as far down the path of Alzheimer’s as others. Second, it reminds me what I may face with time. That sensitized my observations about her increasing memory failure. That made me wonder just how much time remains that we can enjoy ourselves. We are truly enjoying ourselves even with the memory issues. When she is no longer able to enjoy social activities or people and can’t remember friends, I will have more of a problem.

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So How Are Things Going?

It is hard to believe that it has been a full month since I have updated this journal. I see that on Nov. 10 I started an entry but never finished it. I will do better this time.

Kate and I got back this past Friday (Nov. 28) from a trip to Texas. We flew into San Angelo and stayed a night with her brother,  Ken, and his wife, Virginia. The next day we drove to Fort Worth where we stayed two nights in the former home of one of her aunts and uncles. It is now called the Franklin House B&B. I had arranged this sometime ago and not told Kate. I wanted it to be a surprise. She loved being there as did Ken and his wife.

We met Naomi Richardson for lunch at Sadie’s Cafe. On Friday night we went  to Kate’s cousin’s house for barbeque. On Saturday we met Kevin and his family at Nate’s BBQ.  That evening we went to the TCU/Texas A&M football game in the new stadium. Although it rained, we had a good time.

On Sunday we drove to Lubbock where we stayed at the Residence Inn near Kevin’s house. We had a Mexican meal that night. On Tuesday we went to Rachel’s parents house. We then drove to a small town near Midland for lunch. That made for a nice day. We celebrated Thanksgiving at Ken and Rachel’s. Then we drove back to San Angelo on Friday where we caught our flight home.

There has been nothing of great import that has taken place since my last entry. Kate has had another appointment with her doctor. There was nothing to report on our end or on the doctor’s end. I would say that she continues to display some of the common symptoms that have happened pretty regularly over a long period of time. Our (my) biggest problem continues to be getting ready to go places. I may get a good taste of this as we prepare ourselves for several Christmas receptions, one of which is tomorrow night.

I would say that she has been somewhat more assertive about doing some things for herself. For example, I offered to help her with packing for our trip. She would have no part of it. As has happened on several trips in the past, she did not take enough underwear. One morning we had to go to Target for a bra. Another morning I went to Target for panties. One day, she put on a pair of my jeans. I never said anything. It gave her another change, they fit, and no harm was done. I don’t think she ever realized she had done this.

The first morning we were in San Antonio, she was looking for a bra and tossed clothes all over the bed. I volunteered to help and started putting clothes in drawers and the closet under the assumption if we got some things out of the way, it would be easier to spot her bra. I noticed that she took everything out of the drawers and put them in her suitcase. It turned out that she thought we were going home. The fact that it wasn’t even Thanksgiving did not strike her at all. One day during the week in San Antonio, she told Kevin about our staying at the Franklin House. She hadn’t recalled that we had taken him and his family through the house on Saturday.

She really enjoyed seeing people, especially her high school friends. She seems to be unusually enthusiastic and talkative when she gets together with people. I need to work harder on seeing that she gets more opportunities. We are together so much that we don’t talk that much. She is also getting a little stir crazy being in the house so much. Because of the cooler weather, she is not working in the yard nearly as much. That doesn’t’ leave her many things to do for stimulation.

We laugh a lot. She is much more prone to let me know about things I don’t do. Today, for example, I mentioned that I had not checked phone messages on our home line since our return. She wanted to know why I had not done it. Some of the things I consider to be cute. This week we had lunch at Panera. Each of us got, as usual, 2 napkins with our meal. Not noticing that she had two napkins, she reached over and took one of mine. It was only when I pointed out that she had taken my napkin that she realized she had napkins too.

On Friday morning in San Angelo she asked me if we were going home tomorrow. I told her we were going home “today.” She was ecstatic. Periodically through the trip home she expressed her eagerness to be home. Upon getting home and through the next day she continued to express her pleasure in being home.

In sum, we are doing well. I see no signs of depression on her part or mine. I do, however, recognize that she does not like being dependent on me to drive her everywhere. Today she also asked if I would build a fire for her to enjoy while I attended a meeting. I told her I didn’t feel comfortable doing so. She accepted that.

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Great Family Time

Late Saturday night Kate and I returned from Jackson Hole, Wyoming, where we had rented a house to celebrate our 50th anniversary with our children and grandchildren. Everyone was able to be there which is a very rare event. In fact, this is the first time all of us have been together for a full week. I am glad to report that it went swimmingly well – at least from our standpoint. I also believe the others had a great time as well.

I thought that Kate got along well. I suspect that no one may have been suspicious about her Alzheimers. She is more withdrawn than she used to be and did not pretend to help in the kitchen which could have been a clue. I guess I will find out when the day finally comes that we make it known to them. It would not surprise me that when that happens they will have already been suspicious.

This has made me reflect once again on the timing of telling them. From Kate’s standpoint, she would just as soon never tell. They would simply come to realize it the way I did with my mother. On the other hand, I has meant that I have been able to take advantage of our time together. I wouldn’t give anything for this time. We have been very conscious and deliberate about making the most of our time. The interesting thing is that despite Kate’s own frustrations over having AD, she thinks she will have more time than I believe she will have.

By the way, she commented on how caring Jesse and Greg were during the week. She wondered if I might not have told them. I told her that I hadn’t said a word. I think they were responding to the nature of the hiking trails we were on. We all noticed that she is less stable. They also know that she is geographically challenged.

Kate was quite careful to ask me for help when she needed something. For example, she didn’t know where any of the kitchen utensils were kept; so when she fixed her cereal in the morning she needed help identifying the right drawer. She asked me discretely, and I don’t think anyone noticed.

One reason I don’t think people noticed is that no one has said anything to me. If they know, surely they would say something to me.

I will write more later when I have a moment. I want to comment on the grandchildren and the letters I had for her.

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Special Moments Followed by Melancholy

A week ago this past Friday we went to a 5:30 movie (Anna Jesseina) and then to Casa Bella dinner. Everything was perfect. We got our usual dinner, splitting a Veal Piccata, a bottle of wine and white chocolate cheese cake for dessert. Every part of the meal was great as well as our conversation. All of this is to say that we continue to have many special moments – I suspect more than most couples.

For some reason the next day I was feeling kind of melancholy. In the car I listened to music that has been special to us. That would include a song from the movie, Same Time Next Year and another from the television series, ”Family Ties.” It was hard to keep my mind off of the fact that the special times we have together are limited and grow fewer each day. Mind you, it wasn’t that Kate did something to remind me of this; it was simply the joy of good times together that made me think of the limited time we have.

This past week we went to Lubbock to be with Kevin’s family for Christmas. This was a special time. During the trip there were reminders of Kate’s decline in memory. For example, she indicated she wanted to go to the Astrodome. I decided that the easiest way to work that into our schedule would be for us to do it on Friday morning, the day we were leaving. Each day, however, she would ask about going to the Astrodome, and I would tell her we would do it on Friday. On Thursday night, we said our good-byes to Kevin and his family after dinner at the Macaroni Grill. It was clear that the reason for doing so was that we would not see them the next morning. When she got up Friday morning, she worked on the computer for a while, and I mentioned that we would want to leave on the early side to get to the Astrodome. She took her shower, dressed, and got ready to leave; however, she hadn’t packed her things. When I mentioned this, she asked if we were leaving today. I told her yes; so despite numerous mentions of when we were returning and her writing it on her calendar, she still did not remember that this is the day we were to return.

Looking on the bright side once again, it is good that it is the short-term memories that are the biggest problem because most of our functioning depends on longer-term memory. This would not be true if she were in a position of responsibility either as a volunteer at the library or if she were still working in the school system. I am even beginning to be concerned about some of her volunteer work with PEO and our neighborhood association.

Another interesting side-effect of her Alzheimer’s is that she looks more kindly on most people. She is more complimentary of me than at any point in our marriage. She often talks about how bright I am. She says similar things about other people. I think this is because so many things are difficult for her that she is impressed when she sees others doing what she cannot do.

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Dad’s 99th Birthday

This past Saturday we had Dad’s 99th birthday party at our house. We had a total of 58 people on a beautiful, sunny day. Kate and I both had a feeling of relief yesterday. She was absolutely worn out. We both went to bed around 8:30. Besides the weather’s being great,  everyone seemed to enjoy the party, especially Dad.

We did quite a lot in preparation for the party. We painted the outside of the house, had some electrical work done, got a new rug for the family room, bought a new love seat for the family room, cleaned up the garage, did more than the usual cleaning of the house, and Kate did a lot of work outside with her plants. All of these things needed to be done anyway. The party was just a catalyst to do them now. Of course, they don’t include all the things directly related to the party like invitations printed and mailed, selection of a caterer and menu, decisions about handling the crowd outside, inside, and what to do if it rains, etc. I don’t like managing details, and event planning is far from my strength. With all this done I can now focus on other things for a while.

Kate’s AD had quite an impact on me during the preparations and during the weekend, but I don’t think anyone else would have been aware of her condition at all. There are things that came up that could have potentially alerted someone, but to my knowledge nothing gave her away. One time she came to me as we were preparing to serve dinner to the family Saturday evening after the party. She took me aside and whispered in my ear, “Where do we keep the wine glasses?” I got them for her, and no one knew.

I was aware that the preparations put her under a lot of stress. I felt a lot of stress myself, but it must be double or triple that for her because of insecurity that comes from her inability to think clearly and to remember the many details required to pull off something like this. One of the things that was troublesome to me was her focus on her plants and landscaping when I felt we should be focusing on more basic things like the cleanliness of the house. I also felt the load was completely on my shoulders. She gets flustered by making decisions, and thankfully, defers to me for most things. That meant that she did precious little to manage any of the little things like meals for our family. I do wonder if people notice this. She has just bowed out of the routine things she would have done in the past.