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Problems Sleeping

I’ve always been a good sleeper, but over the past 2-3 years I have had occasional times when I wake up and can’t get back to sleep. In the past 6 months or so these have occurred somewhat more frequently. Several months ago at a routine doctor’s appointment the doctor asked me if I wanted something to take that would help. I told him no. Last week at another appointment neither of us mentioned it. I still feel the same way right now; however, I am reaching a point where it is something that I might consider if this gets any worse. I don’t usually have a problem while on vacation, but this is the second night in a row when I do have awakened and been unable to go back to sleep easily. Last night I woke up at 1:00 a.m. It was about an hour before I drifted off. This morning I woke up at 3:16 a.m. My mind began to think about Kate and our planned cruise in May. I asked myself if I am crazy. The reason for taking this cruise was to give her a chance to counter the boredom she is facing at home. I felt being with a people and being on board an interesting ship might minimize her periods of boredom. Thus far that is not the case. To be more specific, it isn’t boredom on the ship that is the problem. It is seeming so tired and uninterested in things. Yesterday she enjoyed sitting in the Observation Lounge and working jigsaw puzzles. She also enjoyed the movie we watched after lunch. She also enjoyed her spa treatment though she came right back to the cabin and got into the bed. It seems like the bed is becoming her security blanket.

All this is making me question if I am doing this for myself or for Kate. I clearly understand that change is not necessarily a good thing for someone with AD. I have been thinking it is easier for me to keep her entertained on a cruise than at home. Perhaps, it would really be easier and better for her if we stayed at home. At the same time I fear her vegetating there as well. The one thing that she still seems to enjoy is visiting with friends. We could continue to see the Greenleys, Robinsons, Davises, and Ellen in Nashville. We might even make a trip to see another friend in Birmingham.

There is much to consider now. As I think I mentioned in yesterday’s post, Kate’s deterioration is becoming more pronounced now. This is the first time I have been convinced of that. Typically, I am more guarded in saying that the signs are as clear as they seem to be right now. I know we will get through this, but I am just now beginning to face the reality that I am losing her. I feel sad and scared.

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Friday Morning At The Zurich Airport

The first thought I have about the trip is that it has been just what I had hoped for. We went to a nice variety of places (Geneva, Interlaken, Lucerne, Zurich), engaged in quite a few diverse activities from city tours, to mountain heights, to paragliding, and opera. I am aware that emotionally I have felt up most of the time but also discouraged a few times. The most negative aspect of this or any other trip we might make is the responsibility of planning and executing daily activities while at the same time caring for Kate. It is not that she has presented any serious problems. It is more like the responsibility a parent has for a child. In fact, I believe that is an excellent comparison. Like a young child, she often is confused, forgets things, loses things, spills things, is unaware of clothing that is soiled, gets hot and wants to take off her coat, gets cold in a moment and wants to put it on, etc. Some of the more discouraging moments have occurred when she gets frustrated with me. She realizes she needs my help but often resents my stepping in to help. This means I am always working to determine what I should and what I shouldn’t do.

We are ending the trip as I expected. I believe this is the last such trip we will take. We have several domestic trips between June and December. I cannot imagine my planning another international trip after that time. I continue to believe that 2015 will mark a significant change I her condition. It already has, and I suspect this will continue.

As I write this journal entry, Kate is writing an email on her iPad. She seems to be having difficulty. She believes she is online, but I doubt it. Normally This is something I would have to help her with. No matter. She can save a draft and send when she is online. We only get one free hour in the airport; so it seems wise to work offline until ready to send.

Several times she has asked me to take a picture of her with a Coke to send to her cousin in Fort Worth. She then thinks that taking it with my camera means it has been sent. Sometimes she realizes this is not the case. This is a good example of the kind of confusion that goes on regularly whether on a trip or at home.

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What About Future Travel?

So what do I think about this trip and future travel?

I believe this trip was the right thing to do. We have seen and done new and interesting things. As I write, I am sitting on a lounge on a terrace overlooking Lake Lucerne. Kate is either experiencing allergy problems, or she is coming down with a cold. We had a filling lunch and ate ice cream late this afternoon. She didn’t feel like eating at all.

While the trip has gone well, I must admit that it just isn’t the same as it has been before. This relates directly to Kate’s AD, not to any aspect of the trip itself.

The fact that we are traveling does, however, make things more complicated than being at home. There are so many different things for me to be think about. On top of that is tending to Kate. While I haven’t lost her at any time, there have been brief moments in which I didn’t see her or she didn’t see me. The very thought that I might lose her has added a little stress.

In addition, the fact that she can’t understand so much of what is going on around her has meant (here and at home) that we can’t have the same kind of conversations we used to have.

Thinking ahead, I concluded early in our trip that we definitely will not do a trip of this nature again. It is simply too difficult for me to manage.

We have the NYC trip coming up in June. The fact that we will have our daughter, Jesse, and our son, Ken, along to manage the grandchildren will make this doable and enjoyable.

I suspect the trip to Chautauqua will be different this year. It might even be our last.

When I think of these things I immediately feel a sadness. Obviously for Kate but also for me. It is not only that she will never experience things in the same way again but neither will I. That may be one reason that I am lingering out here overlooking Lake Lucerne and the surrounding mountains. I really love these experiences, but they are best shared with someone you love.

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Our 50th Anniversary

This past Friday we celebrated our 50th anniversary. I spent most of the day with Kate, and we went out to dinner that evening. This entire week we have reflected on the things we have experienced together. Our relationship continues to be special. Although it has always been good, it has taken on a different nature since Kate’s diagnosis. As I expressed before, I wish that I had been able to respond to her before the diagnosis the way I have since. I have been significantly more understanding and , thus, accepting. Many little things that annoyed me before (for example, the way she loads the dishwasher) I simply accept now.

This is also to underscore that many of the things that I attribute to Alzheimer’s are things that were manifest earlier. They are just significantly worse now. One example would be the fact that when she opens a pack of sugar substitute, she leaves it on the counter rather than putting it in the trash which is immediately below where she dropped it.

I continue to observe that she accepts her dependence on me. She wants me to help her with most of her tasks (PEO, neighborhood, calls to people, etc.). I acknowledge that this puts some degree of stress on me, but it is quite manageable right now. I know the future will be different. Adding to this is care for Dad. He celebrates his 100th birthday on Oct. 19. We begin to act as though he will live forever. While I know this is not so, he could live long enough to complicate my care for both of them. I suspect, however, that it will work out. By that I mean that he will pass away before Kate reaches a point at which she requires constant attention.