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Contrasts Between Highs and Lows

Since my last entry on Wednesday when we went to the Shepherd’s Center and to Nashville, we have had a number of highs (a lot) and some lows (a few). The highs include attending a class at the Shepherd’s Center, visiting with the Davises in Nashville, Kate’s working for almost 3 hours in the yard yesterday morning and again for a while in the afternoon, and attending Opera Thursday last night at Casa Bella. The lows involve our visit with Ellen and several instances involving Kate’s clothes. Let me comment first on our time with Ellen.

This is another instance in which I might have prevented a problem but let it slip up on me. First of all, we found that Ellen’s speech was not better than it was on our previous visit. In fact, it seemed like we were able to understand less of what she said than before. We had a good conversation. We arrived just after 2:30, and planned to stay until 4:30. Just before 3:45, Kate indicated that it was time to go. I held back for a few minutes but then gave in to her desire to leave. When we got in the car, I learned that she had felt that Ellen and I dominated the conversation and left her out. She is right that we dominated the conversation. Ellen talked a lot as she has done on our previous visits. She has always been a big talker; however, I have felt that she must not have as much opportunity for conversation now that she is in assisted living. I think it is for that reason that she talks so much now which is ironic since it is so hard for her to be understood.

During the time we were there, I noticed that Kate was not talking much. I attributed that to her not having anything to say. I think, however, that the problem is that she is slow to interject her thoughts in a conversation while Ellen and I are more forceful. Kate was quite hurt by this which was a great disappointment on my part because I have been thinking of these visits as something that is good for her. I believe that the next time we visit I will leave the room for a while and give Ellen and Kate a chance to talk on their own. In addition, I will be more sensitive to Kate’s need to engage more fully in the conversation and not be so quick to jump in when there is a pause.

The other lows have involved Kate’s clothes once again. I am trying now to set out the clothes she could wear (though I haven’t yet done so this morning). I am finding that when I lay them out, she forgets. She throws or puts them other places. When I ask about them, she has no idea where they are or were or that I had put them out for her in the first place. The good news is that she seems to accept my selecting her clothes, something she has not wanted me to do in the past. This suggests a transition from her taking control of her clothes to my doing so.

As I have reported in the past, she has been having moments of panic attacks when she misplaces things. Most often this involves her clothes. Once yesterday, when she came out dressed in something different from what I had given her, she didn’t panic when I took her back to her room and looked for the clothes I had selected. She simply accepted my suggestion. It was an act of giving in. While this makes it easier for me, it is also hard on me to see her give up her independence because I know how important that has been to her.

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Our Day

I am very happy to report that we got to the Shepherd’s Center just before class and that registration was a snap, just a matter of turning in the registration form and check that I had completed before. We went directly to our class and were able to find 2 seats together. The best news is that when the class was over, Kate said, “He is really good. I want to be here every time.” The class we attended is about the Holocaust and is taught by a retired UT professor. I was not overly impressed at the depth of his lecture, but he was ideal for Kate.

Immediately following the class we bumped into one of my dad’s friends who had taught the writing class he attended for several years. Since we are going to Nashville to see Ellen today, we didn’t stay any longer. We have a little time before leaving; so we came back to Panera to get muffin a muffin and to pass a little time here.

As I was pulling into a parking space, Kate told me she was going to take off her hose. They were too tight. I just finished buying 5 pair last week. I ordered while she found a place for us to sit. When I got to our seats, she was in the ladies room. In a minute, she came back and said now she was more comfortable. I asked what she had done with the hose. She told me she had thrown them away. This is another problem in that it was one of the 5 pair purchased last week. I am almost positive that they were her size. It does concern me that we waste so much money. I just hate being wasteful. We have spent most of our lives being conscious about our spending. This is just one of the things that requires changes in my habits.

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Challenges with Clothes

Just a quick note before we head out to our first day at the Shepherds Center where we are going to take a course on the Holocaust. I tried something new with respect to Kate’s clothes this morning. I went to her closet and picked out a top, a sweater, and shoes for her to wear today. I also got a black pair of slacks from my closet. I showed them to her. She approved, and I laid them out on our bed where she was sitting after taking her shower. I left her to dress. When I went back a little while and found that she was wearing something different than I put out. I checked the bed where I had put the clothes. She had moved them. I let her keep her slacks on even thought they were not the ones I picked out. I found that she had opened the new pair of hose but had thrown the hose on the bed. I gave those to her. She was wearing the shoes and top that I had gotten for her. She had left the nice sweater in her room. I got it for her. We are ready to ready to leave when she said she wanted her ears cleaned out. I put drops in, and she is letting it soak. I am now going to wash out her ear, and we will go.

We left in something of a rush.

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Back to Lowe’’s, and I’’m happy.

I never thought I would say that I was happy to hear Kate say she wanted to go to Lowe’s again. Last year, we spent a good bit of money on plants. I accepted this without resistance because I knew that working in the yard (and having plants to plant) is a major activity for her. It is truly her therapy. Today’s visit was the first since January. While it has been nice not to make several trips a week, it left a void in Kate’s activities. For that reason I was thrilled when she mentioned an interest. When we got home, she changed clothes and has been working outside for almost 2 hours. I finally had to call her in to get her shower and dress for dinner. We will probably go to her favorite Mexican restaurant.

On the way to Lowe’s we did have another mini-crisis. We had just been to a movie where she had gotten a Mr. Pibb. She still had most of it left when we left and brought it with her to the car. She put it in the cup holder between the driver and passenger’s seats. In a few minutes she picked up the cup to take a drink. When she did, it slipped from her hand and spilled her drink on both seats but mostly in the two cup holders and, I am sure, the carpet at least on the passenger side. The upset her tremendously. Once again she took this as a sign of her failing. She has commented before on not being able to do anything right. There is a good bit of truth in this conclusion, but I hate for her to feel so badly about it.

Perhaps I should explain a little of the back ground to her being so upset. She knows that I am very particular with my car. Years ago in previous cars when they were new (from just purchased to 3 years old), I didn’t permit food or drink in the car. I have loosened up on that over the years, but I still try to keep the car in great shape (as I do with most things I own). So it is not just knowing that she is getting a bit clumsy that causes the panic; it is knowing that keeping the car clean is a high priority for me. She is correct that it troubles me, but I have learned to accept this as I have learned to accept so many other things that are not part of my own personality preferences.

A similar incident occurred last week. This time it had nothing to do with my own concern about taking care of things although I must admit it was something that bothered me a little. I was helping her with something in the bedroom when she started to put a glass of Diet Coke on her bed table. She put it on the edge of the table and the mostly full glass spilled on the carpet and the iPad and power cable for it. Fortunately, not much hit the iPad, and I wiped it off quickly. I did the same with the power cord which got much more. This and today’s spilling of her drink in the car are good example of the kind of childlike things that occur much more frequently than in the past. They are also a good example of the kinds of things about which I am making adjustments, and I think I am doing so successfully. I admit that it starts with my taking a rational approach to whatever happens. Then I am better able to minimize the emotional reaction that I have inside. I find, however, that Kate knows me so well that she knows the things that bother me even if I don’t express it..

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Crisis, Come and Gone, Only to Return Again?

Late yesterday after my entry indicating that Kate’s crisis was over, it appeared that everything was fine again. Then as we prepared to go to dinner, she asked was looking for shoes to wear. I told her I thought they were in our bedroom where she had been resting and then using her iPad. I went to the bedroom and brought them back. Before I left her in her bedroom, I heard her becoming frantic and starting to cry. By the time I returned with the shoes, she was in tears again. I put my arms around her. Through her tears she said, “I can’t find anything.” She continued to be distressed when we got in the car to go. I put on the second movement of Brahms’s Violin Concerto which is a soothing piece of music that I regularly play in the car to calm her. In a few minutes, she said, “I really could not live without you.”

When we got to the restaurant and sat down, I could see that she was depressed even though the tears had stopped. I reached across the table and grasped her hands in mind and said something I intended to be comforting. She said, “I am just a little low right now.” I, of course, was thinking this was an expression of her continued frustration over misplacing things. Then she said, “To say that about my mother.” Then I knew that she was thinking about believing that someone had said something about her mother. I started to say something. She stopped me and said, “And I know it’s not a dream.” That is something I have suggested following previous occurrences. Moments after this, she smiled and said, “I’m over it now.” Then she was fine for the balance of the meal and the evening.

What concerns me is the intensity of her frustration. If it is at this level now, it is bound to get worse before it gets better. She is really suffering pain even though I don’t think it weighs on her mind all the time. Since she can’t remember things from one minute to the next, she always has to face not being able to find something she wants or needs. I wish I could relieve her of the problem.

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Recovery

Shortly after I finished my previous entry, our daughter, Jesse, called. This was the first time we have spoken with her in 6-8 weeks. It was good to hear her voice. This was also good for Kate . We finished our conversation right at 3:00 and had to rush out to a movie that was to start at 3:30 downtown. It turned out that when we arrived we saw the longest line we had ever seen at this theater. It is a small one compared to the mainstream theaters. As soon as we got out of the car, I realized I didn’t have my wallet. That meant we couldn’t buy ticket anyway; so we came back home.

Once home I came inside and uploaded some of my CDs to my computer. Kate remained outside to prune her plants. While she was outside, I took some time to look for her iPad and found it on the floor in the bathroom of the big guest room. I then took it into our bedroom to be charged. I decided not to rush outside and tell her we could celebrate the finding of her iPad. I wanted to see if she might remember it was lost. This had been such a traumatic experience for her that I thought she would. When she finally came in about 20 minutes ago, I was syncing her iPad with my calendar. I told her what I was doing, and she smiled. She started to get something to drink. I took her iPad to the bedroom to charge it and left it on our bed. She is now working jigsaw puzzles on it and hasn’t said the first word about finding it. This puts me in a bit of a quandary. I hate not to have given her the opportunity to feel good about our finding it. On the other hand, I was concerned that it would remind her that she had misplaced it in the first place. I think I may just let it ride. She’s happy.

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Another Crisis

Sometimes it seems like we are going from one crisis to another. We got back home from lunch at about 1:00. Kate stayed outside to put some lemons from her ice tea in the compost. I came inside to check email. I also started downloading CDs to my computer so that they can be transferred to my phone. I also loaded several professional photos from our cruise in January. I was going to sync Kate’s iPad with my calendar and couldn’t find it. Almost 40 minutes ago, she came in and couldn’t find it either. It was very disturbing to her. She cried off and on for about 20 minutes. She said, “I can’t find anything.” As always, this is painful for me to watch. I have been all around the house looking everyplace I can without success. I even called the restaurant where we had lunch. They hadn’t found it either. I guess this is just the beginning.

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New Learning Experience

Yesterday or day before Kate had mentioned that she would like to go shopping for clothes. I told her this morning that we could do that after lunch. As it turned out, this morning Kate had a hang nail that she asked me to clip. When I did, I noticed that her nails had gotten longer. I knew that it had been a long time since she had been to have her nails done; so I suggested we do that. She was pleased. This is one of those times I could kick myself for not thinking of this sooner. In the past year or so I had mentioned having her nails done, but she wasn’t interested because she was wearing her nails down from working outside. For the past 2-3 months, however, she has done that much less frequently and for shorter time periods. At any rate, we went to lunch at Panera and then walked a few doors down to the nails shop where I left her to have a manicure and a pedicure. When I picked her up an hour later, she was so pleased to have had her nails done. I only wish I had thought about it earlier. I suggested that we do this regularly from now on. She agreed and said she was going to suggest that herself.

From there we went to Belk’s for slacks, hose, and bras. I thought it was a great idea to be looking for slacks at Belk because it would be much less expensive than the shop where we usually go. I helped pick out some slacks for her to try on, 1 khaki, 1 brown, and 1 black. She went into the dressing room and came out wearing the khakis. While she was in the room, I got another style of khaki and brown slacks for her to try on. When she went back to the room in which she had changed, the door was locked. She tried two other doors, and they were locked. She couldn’t remember which room she had been in. For the time being she went into another room with the new khakis I had brought to her. She came out in a few minutes wearing the same slacks that she was wearing when she went in. She didn’t realize it. When I told her, she said, “Well, where are the other ones?” I went into the room and found them hanging over the top of the partition separating her room from the one beside it. I took them to her for her to change into.

She liked the ones she had just tried on better than the first ones, and we decided on 3 pair of slacks to buy. Then all we had to do was get a sales person to let her into the room in which she originally put on the first pair of slacks so that she could change into the slacks she had been wearing when we arrived. When the sales person opened the first door, Kate saw the clothes she had left. She wanted me to come in the room with her. Then I started to leave because I didn’t think she meant for me to remain with her. She stopped me and asked me to stay with her which I did. She was confused about which slacks were the ones she already owned vs. the ones that she had tried on. I told her which ones were hers, and she put them on.

From that department we went to the lingerie departmentto buy bras. I remembered her size from our most recent trip to Belk about 3 weeks ago. She readily accepted my lead in this process. I picked out a bra that was like the 2 we had bought before. She liked it. I got two. She also wanted a black bra; so I went through the selection to find the right size. Then we went to buy hose. Once again, she let me take the lead. I found her size. The only thing she did was tell me the colors, black and a flesh color. I got 2 blacks and 3 flesh. At the end, she felt good about our purchases and thanked me. I felt good as well. I felt good as well for two reasons. I was glad it had been a good experience. In addition, we bought 3 pair of slacks for half the price we have been paying at her regular shop. I recognize that the ones we bought today are not of the same quality, but for her everyday needs these will be just fine.

So I am getting more experience shopping for women’s clothes. I felt a little self-conscious being in the fitting room with her, but it worked out all right. I know this may happen again. I might as well get used to it.

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Moments of Boredom

I came home directly from the Y in order to take Kate to Panera. She was up and dressed in black slacks and her Harrod’s sweatshirt that she bought when she and Ellen were in London in 2002. She had the sweatshirt on backwards. I asked her about going to Panera, and she said, “”In a little while.” I got on the computer and checked email and took care of registering for a platelet donation this afternoon. At 10:15, I went back to see if she were ready. She indicated she didn’t care. It was obvious that she was down. I asked her about it. She said she was bored. I said, “”Then let me take you to Panera, or we could watch a BBC program on TV.” She said she didn’t want to watch a TV program. She agreed to Panera. I came back in the kitchen. Shortly she came into the kitchen wearing the same clothes. She said, “I hope I don’t run into anybody I know at Panera.” I told her I thought we would go directly to lunch from Panera.

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Today It Was Hard to Get Going

This morning Kate was still sleeping/resting in bed when I reminded her that this is the morning of our monthly Y breakfast. She seemed very groggy. I told her she did not need to go, but she got up. In a few minutes the called for me. When I got to her, she said, “I don’t have anything to wear.” I gave her 2 pair of black slacks which she immediately took to her room. In a minute or two she came into the kitchen and asked if we were going somewhere this morning. I told her we were going to the Y breakfast. She again said she didn’t have anything to wear. I told her I had given her 2 pair of slacks. She asked where they were. I told her I had given them to her. She got into our bed and said they were probably on the bed in her bedroom. I checked. That is where they were. I gave them to her. In a few minutes, she came back and asked where we were going. I told her again. She told me she thought she would stay home. I told her that would be fine. I reminded her that our housekeeper would be coming around 8:30 and that the Robinsons would be here around 11:15. She groaned and got into the bed again. She asked what she could wear. I told her she had the 2 pair of slacks I have given her and I also had a pair of cream colored slacks we had recently bought. She asked that I put them on a chair in our bedroom.

8:25 pm

When I got home from breakfast she was still in bed. About an hour before the Robinsons were scheduled to arrive, I told her it was time to get up. She asked what she could wear. I got the cream colored slacks and gave them along with a top she had worn for the first time yesterday although we had bought it a year or so ago. It was nice one and still had the tags. When she came out dressed she wasn’t wearing the top I had given her. She couldn’t remember that I had given it to her or where she had put it and asked me to find it. I did so. What disturbed me most about all of this was how upset Kate had gotten. She was just so confused and could see it herself or she wouldn’t have asked for my help with her clothes. What I sense is that when she looks at her clothes, she just sees a lot of “stuff.” Nothing specific jump out at her. It is overwhelming, and she doesn’t know what to do. It is so very sad. I am always hurt to see her like this, and it is getting worse. Clothes have been a central issue for us from way back, but now it is continually leading to greater frustration for her and for me.

As it turned out, the day went well. I haven’t had a chance to communicate with the Robinsons since they left, but I suspect they did not see much if any difference in Kate from the last time we were together. We had a good lunch and good conversation at the restaurant and at home. The day ended beautifully. We had dinner at our favorite Mexican restaurant. When we got home, I asked her if she would like to watch one episode of a BBC series I had recorded. She said she would rather relax, got her iPad, and sat in the family room working puzzles until a few minutes ago.

I can’t remember if I reported that I found her computer late Saturday. I had been considering buying her a new one but decided to make a more thorough search of the house before doing so. I found it in a corner of her room behind a table with the printer on it. I have a hard time believing she had put it there. I think Libby must have done that 2-3 weeks ago. I had thought Kate was simply losing interest in the computer (that may be correct) but now I am wondering if she just didn’t know where it was. I charged it and put it where she would see it. I wanted to see if she had remembered it was missing because she was very disturbed that she might have left it at Panera’s. I haven’t seen her using it since she has had it back. It may be that she is losing interest in it meaning that it is becoming more difficult for her to use.

From my standpoint the big issue we are facing is Kate and her clothes. She is turning to me to help when she can’t find anything to wear, but it is hard to prevent the problem. I knew this was coming, but it is a little sooner than I thought it would be.