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Visiting Friends

Yesterday we visited Ellen, Kate’s best friend who now lives in Nashville. We have been visiting her every 4-5 weeks since she had a stroke two years ago this coming August. In February, she suffered a couple of seizures that have been a setback after she had been making a good recovery.

On Tuesday evening, I received a text from Jennifer, her daughter, letting me know that Ellen had declined noticeably since our previous visit a month ago. That visit was the first one we had made since her seizures and since she had been placed in memory care. At that time, we were not able to detect any memory issues, but it was clear that her speech had deteriorated since our previous visit. That makes conversation difficult. Prior to that we were getting about 60-75% of what she said.

During yesterdays visit, we were only able to understand about 20% of what she was saying, if that. We did best when asking her yes or no questions. Ellen’s decline comes at a time when Kate is also declining. I can’t help wondering how long we will continue these visits. My intention is to do so absolutely as long as possible. That would mean as long as it seems pleasurable to both of them.

Interestingly, Kate didn’t seem to notice the problem with Ellen’s speech to the extent that I did. That suggests to me that she doesn’t understand much anyway; so the fact that she can’t pick up all the words is hardly noticed. All-in-all it was a good visit. We enjoyed seeing her, and it appeared that she enjoyed seeing us.

Before returning home, we stopped to see Ann and Jeff Davis whom we first met at Wisconsin where Jeff and I were in grad school. Later Jeff and I were colleagues at UT. Our daughters are the same age, and Ann became Kate’s best friend before they moved away to Dayton, OH. They moved to Nashville about twenty years ago. We have not kept up with them until very recent years. I told them of Kate’s diagnosis about two year ago. Since that time we have made a deliberate effort to see them more regularly.

Yesterday’s visit with them was a good one. We went to dinner and the drove back home. We were in the restaurant almost three hours. At first, I was a little concerned because Ann seemed to be looking at me more than Kate. That has been an issue in other relationships we have. Some of that is rooted in the fact that I talk more than Kate. I believe Kate’s Alzheimer’s has also made it more challenging for Kate to assert herself in conversations. I imagine that this sometimes occurs because she is not following the conversation. Other times, it may be that she isn’t able to interject her comments quickly enough to be recognized. She is slow about everything; so I don’t find it surprising that she might have a longer latency period before being able to get her words out. Kate still has great admiration for Ann. I look forward to maintaining this relationship as long as possible.

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Good Day with Friends

This morning we went to Nashville to have lunch with our friends, Angie and Tom Robinson. It was a good day. Kate handled herself quite well. There were a few things that she said that were not true (e.g., she said that we had eaten a Japanese meal that Jan Greeley had fixed.). I had an email from Tom when we returned home that said they thought she had not changed a bit since the last time we were together. Once again this is an illustration of how important long-term memory and strong social skills can be to superficial social interactions. We came home a little earlier than we usually do because I felt she was getting tired and a little withdrawn.

This morning before leaving I mentioned something about our not having found the two missing remote controls. She said, “Let’s not worry about it.” I told her I loved her. Then I said, “You know, you are handling your Alzheimer’s well.” She agreed. Then I said, “Let me ask you a question. Do you ever associate your misplacing things like the remote controls with Alzheimer’s ?” She said, “No.” I then said, “That’ one of the things that goes along with Alzheimer’s. You put things down in one place but don’t remember where you put them. I hope that should make you feel better about it. You really can’t help it.” This is the first time I have ever pointed out an aspect of her behavior that is connected to Alzheimer’s. I feel sure that she won’t remember our conversation, but it confirmed what I had suspected for some time. She doesn’t associate many of the things she does with her diagnosis. I don’t plan to make a point of it every time he does something like this.

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Time with Friends

In June while we were in Lubbock, I received an email from Cindi Renner, someone we know from church. She is about out daughter’s age. I think that she became acquainted with Kate when Kate was the church librarian. Kate knew lots of church members and their children because the library did so much with children. Cindi said that she had learned about Kate’s Alzheimer’s and that she had recently lost her mother to the disease. She wondered if she might be a friend to Kate. I wrote back quickly saying that she and I would like that. About 10 days ago following our trip to Chautauqua, Cindi had contacted me about getting together. We set that up for this past Friday.

I knew that Kate would not remember Cindi; so I didn’t tell her that we were going to meet her at Panera. I thought it would be better if we just bumped into Cindi while we were there. I arranged for us to arrive before Cindi. Instead of one of our regular locations I picked out a booth for 4 so that Cindi could join us when she arrived. Before then Kate moved to another chair where we often sit. Cindi saw me first and came over to say hello. The two of us then went over to Kate. I said, “Kate, you remember Cindi Renner.” She picked that up beautifully as perfectly as if she really did remember. I asked Kate to come back to the table where I was seated. She did so without thinking anything of it.

The visit with Cindi was everything and more than I could have expected. Cindi is a warm, friendly person. Kate took to her immediately. We sat there for over an hour and had a beautiful conversation. When Cindi left, Kate told me how much she liked her and, of course, asked me her name again and how we know her.

That afternoon I sent Cindi an email telling her how much Kate had enjoyed being with her and that we looked forward to seeing her again. We received a beautiful handwritten note from her yesterday telling us she had enjoyed it and expressed interest in seeing Kate again.

This experience underscores what I have already believed. Social contact is a real tonic for her and for me as well.

Last night we went to dinner with Mark and Katherine Harrington. We have had lunch with them on several occasions. Kate likes them and also their children who are now grown and living out of state. Mark and Katherine picked us up, and we drove across town to an Italian restaurant they like. It was another good evening.

These experiences remind me that it is time for us to get together with Angela and Marvin Gray sometime soon. I also plan to call Phil Grimball to see if we couldn’t get together with him and Jean Roberts for lunch or dinner sometime. His wife died 2 years ago after almost 20 years with AD. He has offered to help me if I need anything.

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A Very Good Weekend

Saturday morning, Kate and I made our customary trip to Panera where Kate got her blueberry muffin. We were there about an hour before we decided to eat lunch there as well. During lunch, I looked for a movie and found a movie called Me Before You. It hadn’t gotten rave reviews from the critics, but most audience reviewers liked it. We decided to try it. We came home and had a little time for Kate to rest a little. Before 6:00 we went out for pizza. It was just a simple day, but we both commented on what a nice day it had been.

Yesterday was a little fuller. Kate slept later than usual, and I simply relaxed listening to sacred music, checking email, posting a father’s day note about my dad, and reading the paper. The big event was a trip to visit Ellen and our friends the Davises in Nashville.

We reached Ellen’s place about 1:00 and stayed until 3:30. It was a very good visit. In the past, Kate has felt that other people tend to look at me more than at her. I think this occurred yesterday, but I found myself looking at Kate when Ellen would look at me. I think this helped. A couple of times I asked Kate if she would like to tell Ellen something about our trip to Lubbock or something else. In each instance, Kate said, “No, why don’t you tell her.” This has not happened much in the past. I couldn’t help thinking that it represents her awareness that she can’t remember enough to put herself in a spot like that. I don’t think Ellen thought a thing about it. It was done very naturally.

Kate and Ellen had an interesting exchange that didn’t go very far, but I thought it was going to be a little like the conversation that might occur in a support group. Ellen expressed her frustration over not being able to get her brain to come with the right words to say when she is talking. Kate said she had similar problems. They said just a few things back and forth and then moved on. On future visits, I may attempt to encourage this kind of conversation.

This was the first time we had seen Ellen since she had her seizure a month ago. I thought that her speech had worsened since then. On the other hand, I thought her walking had improved. She walked across the room quickly and showed no sign of imbalance. She said she is now using a cane instead of her walker.

From Ellen’s we went to visit Ann and Jeff Davis. Then we went out to eat together. During dinner, Ann and Kate talked to each other quite a bit. That gave Jeff and me time to talk ourselves. I told him that I was happy to see Kate have this time with Ann. We went back to their house after dinner and remained there for about an hour. Once again, there was plenty of time for Kate and Ann to talk. On the way home, Kate commented on what a good visit it had been with both Ellen as well as Ann and Jeff. I wholeheartedly agree. It was a tonic for Kate.

Today we met Evelyn, our decorator, at a tile shop where we picked out the tile and granite counter top for our master bath. Kate told me in advance that she would let me handle things. I told her I wanted to make sure we picked out things that she would like as well. When we got into looking at options and talking about the details, Kate walked around. This is something that she would have been leading if this were ten years ago. Now she seemed as though she were not interested. On the other hand, she did express pleasure on the things we picked out. Tomorrow morning we are meeting Evelyn to pick out the toilet, sinks, and fixtures. Kate did say she would like to go. I am glad, but I suspect that she will not have much to offer. Perhaps I will be wrong.

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Nice Weekend

Although I may have thought and given the impression that all of our good days are behind us, I am happy to report that “it isn’t so.” The past few days including the weekend were very nice days for us. I’m not entirely sure what has made the difference. One thing that has been different during the past week is a new approach to clothing for Kate. First of all, we bought 3 new pair of slacks for Kate about 10 days ago. I have tried to keep them in my closet after she has worn them. I have also identified several other pairs of slacks that fit her and brought them to my closet as well. At the same time, and I think I have mentioned this is previous posts, she has asked for my help in finding the right clothes. That has led me to pick out clothes for her on several days. I would get a pair of slacks from my closet and find a top to match and put them on the bed in her room/office. At least two times this hasn’t worked because she didn’t realize/remember that I had put them there for her to wear. I have learned to be more direct in choosing the clothes and telling her at an appropriate time what and where they are. It has to be done at the moment she is ready to get dressed. The best news for me is that she has accepted my doing this. This morning she accepted the slacks I got for her to wear to Panera where we are passing some time right now, but she said, “I’ll pick out the top.” It is still discouraging to see her relinquish some of her independence, but it makes things a lot easier. She is getting less picky about what she wears; so that also makes it easier for me.

One other thing I am starting to do is identify clothes that need cleaning. Every Tuesday morning a driver from our cleaners stops by the house to pick up my shirts etc. I am going to include some of her things each week. I think that will help in terms of keeping her clothes looking nicer.

Although her favorite clothing store has been very helpful in the selection of new clothes for Kate, they are an upscale (i.e., expensive) shop. What she needs now for the most part is everyday casual wear. I think we will go to J Crew this afternoon and buy 3 or 4 pair of slacks and several tops to go with them. Then I think we (I?) will clean out the closet in her room and use it or a section of it for the everyday clothes. That should help both of us. I am not naïve. I realize that she can’t remember everything, but this will make it less confusing for her.

I continue to keep her as active as possible. She does not go to church with me anymore. That stopped just before Christmas. It is just too much for both of us to get ready for me to meet my Sunday school class. I come home right after class, and we go to lunch. Yesterday we went to a movie in the afternoon. She was able to rest at home after lunch and after the movie. We went to Opera Thursday at Casa Bella last week. We will be back there tonight for a special Italian dinner. In the past two weeks we have been to Nashville to visit the Greeleys, Ellen, and the Davises. She has seemed happier. I should also mention that she has spent a little more time in the yard which is a passion of hers. Oh, I almost forgot, we also joined the Shepherd’s Center. While we only went to one class last week, we will do more this Wednesday. We will also have lunch there. So all in all, things are not going badly even though her decline has not been arrested. As I have said before, we are grateful for what we have.

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Contrasts Between Highs and Lows

Since my last entry on Wednesday when we went to the Shepherd’s Center and to Nashville, we have had a number of highs (a lot) and some lows (a few). The highs include attending a class at the Shepherd’s Center, visiting with the Davises in Nashville, Kate’s working for almost 3 hours in the yard yesterday morning and again for a while in the afternoon, and attending Opera Thursday last night at Casa Bella. The lows involve our visit with Ellen and several instances involving Kate’s clothes. Let me comment first on our time with Ellen.

This is another instance in which I might have prevented a problem but let it slip up on me. First of all, we found that Ellen’s speech was not better than it was on our previous visit. In fact, it seemed like we were able to understand less of what she said than before. We had a good conversation. We arrived just after 2:30, and planned to stay until 4:30. Just before 3:45, Kate indicated that it was time to go. I held back for a few minutes but then gave in to her desire to leave. When we got in the car, I learned that she had felt that Ellen and I dominated the conversation and left her out. She is right that we dominated the conversation. Ellen talked a lot as she has done on our previous visits. She has always been a big talker; however, I have felt that she must not have as much opportunity for conversation now that she is in assisted living. I think it is for that reason that she talks so much now which is ironic since it is so hard for her to be understood.

During the time we were there, I noticed that Kate was not talking much. I attributed that to her not having anything to say. I think, however, that the problem is that she is slow to interject her thoughts in a conversation while Ellen and I are more forceful. Kate was quite hurt by this which was a great disappointment on my part because I have been thinking of these visits as something that is good for her. I believe that the next time we visit I will leave the room for a while and give Ellen and Kate a chance to talk on their own. In addition, I will be more sensitive to Kate’s need to engage more fully in the conversation and not be so quick to jump in when there is a pause.

The other lows have involved Kate’s clothes once again. I am trying now to set out the clothes she could wear (though I haven’t yet done so this morning). I am finding that when I lay them out, she forgets. She throws or puts them other places. When I ask about them, she has no idea where they are or were or that I had put them out for her in the first place. The good news is that she seems to accept my selecting her clothes, something she has not wanted me to do in the past. This suggests a transition from her taking control of her clothes to my doing so.

As I have reported in the past, she has been having moments of panic attacks when she misplaces things. Most often this involves her clothes. Once yesterday, when she came out dressed in something different from what I had given her, she didn’t panic when I took her back to her room and looked for the clothes I had selected. She simply accepted my suggestion. It was an act of giving in. While this makes it easier for me, it is also hard on me to see her give up her independence because I know how important that has been to her.

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Things continue to go well.

Today we came over to Fort Worth after spending 3 nights in Dallas. Kate has enjoyed every social contact we have had. That continued today when we had lunch with the Greeleys at their favorite barbeque place. That was followed by a visit with Arthur Cotti, the former chair of the sociology department at TCU and an important mentor to me. Finally, we had dinner with another cousin of Kate’s, Chester Hendricks and his wife, Polly. Kate hadn’t been interested in going out tonight. She rested in bed for about 45 minutes following the day’s activities. When we got out to the car, she asked, “Where are we going?” I told her to meet Polly and Chester for dinner. She said, “Oh, I want to see them. I didn’t know.” This is a case in which I should have known that she would not remember. Then I could have told her that we were going to meet them as I told her it was time to go in 15 minutes. I have found that even though I know her short-term memory is weak, I still often respond to her as though she is perfectly all right. I think that is because she has not reached the stage where she always forgets. She forgets most things, but she sometimes remembers.

He memory problems cause her to get stories mixed up when she is talking with friends. While we were at lunch with Scott and Jan, she said something about Roger Rosenblatt whom we have seen several times at Chautauqua. She told them that he is a ghost writer for celebrities who have a story they want to tell but lack the time or necessary skills. I heard her tell someone else the same story in the past few days. He is actually a former journalist and writer who writes only for himself. This is just a small thing that matters little. I mention it only as an example of the kind of confusion she experiences.

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Successful First Day

In planning this trip I was guided by the belief that this trip might very well be the last trip to Texas where we were able to visit so many people in different places. For that reason I arranged for us to see Sharon Billings, Kate’s cousin, and three friends in Dallas (Carter Owens and his partner, Michael, Meg Wright, and Nancy and Charlie Hardwick). Tomorrow we drive over to Fort Worth where we will have lunch with Scott and Jan Greeley who are in Fort Worth visiting with her parents. We will also have dinner with Polly and Chester Hendricks. On Thursday, we drive to Lubbock where we will spend Christmas with our son and his family. Next Monday, we drive back to San Angelo where we stay 2 nights with Ken and Virginia before going once again to Fort Worth where we will have lunch with Naomi Richardson.

You never know how things like this will go, especially after Kate’s confusion when getting ready for the trip. The good news is the first day went very, very well. We had breakfast at the hotel (fresh orange juice, coffee, and eggs Benedict). I was eager to move on to her cousin Sharon’s house right after breakfast; however, Kate wanted to get her iPad and spend some time in the lobby working jigsaw puzzles. We spent about an hour on our iPads.

We arrived at Sharon’s close to noon and immediately jumped right into conversations that Kate enjoyed so much. We talked through a long lunch and got back to the house around 3:15. Sharon wanted to rest a little and Kate happily did the same. In fact, she remained in our room until close to 5:30 when we were getting ready to go to Carter’s house before dinner. Kate loved everything.

Although I have known Carter since 1948, Kate has only met him 2 or 3 times over the years. In 2012, we went out for coffee with Michael and him. Apart from that occasion, neither of us had spent any time with Michael. No one would have guessed it by how much we were enjoying ourselves. We didn’t get back to Sharon’s house until 11:00 or shortly thereafter. In fact, we were the next to the last table to leave the restaurant. There was not a break in the conversation from the time we arrived at Sharon’s until we left Carter and Michael’s last night. I would say it was a perfect day.

Today should be interesting. We are going to visit Charlie Hardwick and his wife, Nancy. Charlie also has also has Alzheimer’s. Neither of them is aware that the other also has the disease. Nancy and I are not planning to tell them. We are just going to visit as though things are just as they always were. I’ll report on that tonight or tomorrow.

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Memphis: Alone Time

This morning Kate and I were awake at 7:15. I brought her some orange juice and a breakfast bar around 7:45 and told her the family was just now coming to the kitchen. She thought I was asking her to come on downstairs and asked, “I’ll be able to see them later, won’t I?” I told her yes. She remained in bed using her laptop. She remained there until close to 11:00. She came downstairs and started editing photos on her laptop. Sometime around noon, she went back upstairs. I just checked in on her and found that she was resting in bed.

It is interesting how much she enjoys being with everyone (I think), but how often she removes herself to rest. I am not sure whether this occurs because she is simply tired or because she isn’t interacting with everyone and gets bored or feels left out. For the most part, each person has been on his/her own today. Jesse has been busy the entire day preparing food for our Thanksgiving dinner. I have remained in the kitchen most of that time working on my iPad and talking with Jesse and Greg. Ron has been playing games on the TV (football, basketball and hockey). Randy has been upstairs almost the entire morning. He is downstairs right now working on his computer. It could be that Kate has simply gotten tired of working on photos. It may be taxing on her. It could also be that she is having a very low-key experience with the family since no one is giving her any special attention. Of course, she hasn’t taken any time in the kitchen except when Jesse gave her a slice of banana nut bread and some fresh blueberries and raspberries.

Yesterday she was hurt when we were with the Robinsons in Nashville. We had had a good visit. Near the time to leave, she broke into the conversation and said, “Wait a minute, the three of you have done all the talking. Let me say something.” When we got in the car, she seemed depressed. We didn’t chat about it, but she offered several comments. She mentioned something that I have noticed before but did not notice yesterday. She said Angie and Tom looked at me and addressed all or most of their comments to me. She also said that everybody (even Ellen, her best friend) does this. She said, “I am not dumb.” meaning that she has things to say and contribute to our discussions as much as everyone else. I apologized to her because I had not been sensitive to that and that I would try to direct more conversation her way. I really do believe that my own personality is such that I quickly engage in conversation with other people and don’t think as much about whether or not she is being included. This is something I need to work on. I might think that the behavior of the Robinsons is a result of their knowing that Kate has Alzheimer’s, but the same pattern appears to be true with other people who have no idea of her illness. It may have something to do with the kinds of comments that she makes. Often they don’t tie into anything that we are discussing at the moment. It could also be that there is so little that she can offer to many of our conversations that she is more retiring and gets ignored. At any rate, it is a problem and one that I hope I can offset but fear that this will become a more common pattern.

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Time With Friends

Last night we went out for pizza. Kate told me she was thinking about telling Angela and Marvin Green about her Alzheimer’s. She said she wasn’t going to do this right away, but that she felt comfortable doing so with them. She indicated that she felt she could trust them to keep it to themselves.

Today we had lunch with Angie and Mark Harrington. About a month ago, we talked about going to lunch at one of their favorite restaurants, The Olive Tree. Last week Mark and I decided that today was the day to try it, and we did. After dropping the Harringtons off at their house, Kate said, “Weren’t you going to take me some place?” I said, “Lowe’s?” She then said yes. That led to my turning in the direction of Lowe’s.

As we were driving, I said something about how much we enjoyed the lunch with the Harringtons. She agreed. The she said, “I remembered having been there before. I didnt remembered until we walked in. Then I recognized it.” I said, “So you’ve been there before.” She said, “You were right. You told me we had been there, but I didn’t remember it.” The truth is that this is another Deja vu experience. Neither one of us had been there before.