Category: Our Relationship

Yesterday we went to Nashville to visit our friend, Ellen, who had a stroke three years ago next month. She had lived in Knoxville until that time. She had the stroke while visiting her daughter in Nashville and has never returned home. We try to visit about once a month. She is now living in a memory care facility. This is the fifth place she has lived since we started visiting her.

Kate got up a little later than I had wanted, so we ate lunch before leaving. When I hadn’t heard any signs that she was up, I went back to the bedroom to check on her. I discovered that she was up and taking a shower. I glanced in the bathroom door to see a mound of clothes on the floor in front of the shower. She often takes her clothes for the day into the bathroom while she showers. What was unusual this time was that she had a variety of clothes, mostly winter clothes. They also included four or five tops and a couple of pants. I came back to the kitchen. When I went back fifteen minutes later, she was sitting on the bed. The clothes that were previously on the floor of the bathroom were now on the bed. It turned out that she had everything but her underwear. I asked if she would like me to get them. She did. When I returned, she said, “Thank you, whatever your name is.” I asked if she would like me to tell her my name. She said yes, and I did. On the way to lunch, she asked my name. I told her and then said, “What is your name?” She took a moment to think and then answered correctly.

She was very quiet on the way to see Ellen. When we arrived, she said, “Does this place have a name?” I told her we were in Nashville and gave her the name of the facility. This way of asking for a name is becoming more frequent now. Mostly, she says, “Where are we?” She has a similar expression when we are at restaurants. She says, “Does this place serve food?” This is a sign that she is ready to eat and thinks the restaurant is taking too long. She has no concept of time, so usually, it hasn’t been long since we ordered that she asks the question. Sometimes it occurs right after the server has walked away after taking our order.

Our visit with Ellen was one of the best we have had. I wish I could say that is because Ellen has improved. That wasn’t the case. In fact, her speech seemed to be worse than the last time we visited a month ago. At the time of our first couple of visits almost three years ago it was very difficult to understand her at all. Over the next year, she improved a good bit, but I would say we were still unable to understand about a fourth of what she said. In February of this year, she had a couple of seizures. They affected her mobility and her speech. Yesterday we could understand very little of what she said.

We got off to a good start. When we walked into her room, Ellen was lying down on her bed. Although I know her daughter had told her we were coming, she had forgotten. She was quite surprised to see us and very emotional about our being there. I don’t know that I have mentioned that Ellen is a very outgoing, take charge kind of person who had many friends in Knoxville. Because so many of her friends are about her age and travel to Nashville is a bit much for many of them, she has had practically no visits from them. We know of only one other couple from Knoxville who has visited her. In addition, most of the others in her memory care unit are unable to converse much. She must be starved for conversation with friends.

It was interesting to watch Kate’s interaction with Ellen. She took much more initiative in the conversation than she has done previously. She brought up the fact that the two of them used to have lunch together every Monday while I was at Rotary. It is interesting that this memory has not disappeared. She remembers other things about our relationship with Ellen and her husband, Gordon, but only when I bring them up. The Monday lunch is more firmly embedded in her memory. Something else was different about Kate yesterday. There were quite a few times when Ellen struggled getting her words out. In almost every instance, Kate tried to encourage her. She said, “Just relax. Take your time. You’ll get it.”

After we had been there a good while, I asked Ellen if the staff played much music for the residents. She said they didn’t. I suspect she just doesn’t remember. Ellen had been a choir director for almost 40 years. She was also a singer and played the piano. We began to talk about music. I mentioned that I remembered her son’s singing “Danny Boy” at a piano recital when our children were taking lessons. Then I remembered that I had a recording of “Danny Boy” on my phone. I played it for her. All three of us enjoyed it. That led to my playing several other pieces. It was a nice interlude in our visit. The music was beautiful. Conversation for Ellen was challenging. We let the music speak for us. At one point, Ellen reached her hand out to Kate who clutched it. I could see tears in their eyes. It was a touching moment to watch and be a part of.

Not long after that one of the staff came in to get Ellen up for dinner. I asked if she knew Ellen was a musician. She didn’t know a thing about her background in music. When I told her she was surprised. She said she was glad to know and would pass that along to the activities director so that she could take advantage of that. I wonder how many people in places like this are not fully appreciated because the people working there have no knowledge of who they were before their memory problems. I suspect this is true for most.

We left Ellen’s and went directly to dinner before driving back home. We stopped at McCormick and Schmick’s. As we waited for our meal, Kate looked across at me, put her hands around her mouth like a megaphone, and mouthed the words “I love you.” I told her I love her too. Then she said, “Tell me your name.”

The ride home was unusual. Normally, we drive this distance with very few words. I usually play music that I know Kate will enjoy. Last night, she was talkative. In fact, we talked most of the way back home. It got its start as we were leaving the restaurant. Our daughter, Jesse, called to check in. She updated us on her family’s recent trip to Florida. Kate was happy to hear from her and to know they had a good trip with the family. That must have prompted her to think about the good things in our lives. She talked about our marriage and how fortunate we are to have found each other. She talked about both of our children. I reminded her that our son, Kevin, and his family have just returned from an exciting trip to the Grand Canyon, Bryce Canyon, and Zion National Park. It makes both of us happy to see our children enjoying life and moments like these with their children.

As we neared our home, Kate said she was tired. Then she mentioned she wanted “to do some work” before going to bed. She quickly added, “You know the kind of work I mean.” I did know, working on jigsaw puzzles on her iPad. We had had another good day.