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Working So Hard To Remember

Kate and I finished a very nice lunch and had just gotten in the car when she asked, “Where are we?” I asked if she meant the city. She said yes. I told her we were in Knoxville. She said, “So we are still at home.” This is not the first such experience. I know I have reported on occurrences like this when we are traveling. I can’t recall if she has ever asked that when we are here at home. This was the first of several things she said on the way home.

Not long after we left the restaurant and out of the blue, she said, “Katherine Rose,” her mother’s first and middle names. I said, “That’s right.” Then she said, “Katherine Rose Benson,” her mother’s maiden name. A few minutes later, she said, “Fort Benning.” Then she said, “That’s where my daddy was based.” Once again, I told her she was right. She went on to say, “Sometimes the names won’t come to me, but if I think a minute, they do.”

I am not sure what was prompting this, but I am confident that she recognizes her difficulty remembering things that she used to know so well. I also know that she checks the names of people and places with me quite a bit, not just when we are about to see someone. I suspect that she spends some time rehearsing, trying to cement the names in her brain. She does not appear to sense that her AD is causing her memory problems. I am certain that is true for other things that are not directly related to her memory. This represents a distinctly different stage of her illness. She knows that she has AD, but she seems not to know what that means or the symptoms associated with it. At times, I feel like telling her, but I always come back to what I think is best for her. She is happy. It serves no purpose to call attention to her illness at this point. I don’t anticipate changing my mind on this decision.

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It’s Getting Hard to Remember Names of Family Members

Yesterday while we were having lunch at Applebee’s, I had mentioned that one week from now we would be returning from Memphis. She looked surprised and asked, “What’s in Memphis?” I told her we were spending Thanksgiving with our daughter, Jesse, and Greg and the twins. She then asked me the boys’ names. She said, “You’re going to have to help me tell which one is which.” At first, I said that Ron is the one who is usually playing a video game on the TV in the family room and that Randy is frequently working on his Rubik’s Cube. I knew before it came out of my mouth that this was not going to work. Then she asked me to describe them. I told her a better way would be to show her pictures. I got out my phone and found several pictures I had taken on last February. I said Ron is the one on your left and Randy is the one on your right. Then she pointed to Ron and asked his name again. I told her. Then she point to Randy and asked the same thing. I told her. Then she went back to Ron. I didn’t really expect that this would help her remember them when we are there next week or even after lunch. I wasn’t even very surprised when she couldn’t remember them immediately after my telling her. We went over the names several times, and she never got them right.

Then I showed her pictures of our Texas grandchildren with a similar outcome. At one point, I asked her their parents’ names. She couldn’t tell me. I told her as I did before our trip to Texas in October. She really does know all of them. She just can’t attach names to them. I haven’t tested her, but I suspect she would have trouble just naming our son and daughter and their spouses. It would really be difficult to get the grandchildren’s names.

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Challenges of No Short-term Memory

I don’t think I have mentioned that Hurricane Irma hit the Caribbean and the Southeastern states over the past week. This has been very big news because of the size and winds of this particular storm. It is one of the largest Atlantic storms on record. Current estimates are unclear right now, but I have heard damage estimated at up to $200 billion. The media has covered this extensively prior to the time it reached Florida as well as during and now after it has passed on.

Prior to Irma, Hurricane Harvey his Texas and moved to Louisiana. The cost there appears to be between $100 and $200 billion. This was a big item in the news.

On numerous occasions, I have said something about these two storms to Kate. Usually, it has occurred when she has overhead something on TV and asked what had happened and/or “where was this?” Although we are some distance away from Irma’s path, the wind has been heavier than usual. It has been raining.

Despite all this, Kate has been unable to remember these two storms, not just their names but that they occurred and where. Today as I was pulling up to an ATM at our bank, the radio news mentioned the horrible damage left by Irma. Kate asked what they were talking about. I told her about the storms. She asked where they occurred.

I can’t sense that she is bothered in any way by this failure to remember. I think she has forgotten so much that she doesn’t recognize when I tell her that it is something I have told her before. It is a challenge for ordinary conversation, however. Her memory is so short that I am regularly having to repeat things that I have just said because she hasn’t remembered them. Fortunately, I am able to understand; therefore, I am not bothered by this. I can tell from reading the message boards that it does bother many other caregivers.

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Awareness of Memory Problems

Over the past year, I had thought that Kate had reached the point at which she didn’t recognize the impact of Alzheimer’s on her. I have begun to question my conclusion over the past few days. Several times I have been telling her something when she stopped me and said something like, “Stop. I’m not going to remember anything anyway.” I don’t really know that she sees this as a direct result of Alzheimer’s, but, at the very least, it is a recognition that she can’t remember. This is another reminder that a person with Alzheimer’s does recognize things he or she can’t do.

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Moments of Sadness

Although Kate’s good humor has continued through this morning, that doesn’t mean that the usual signs of Alzheimer’s are not present. Some of these signs cause me to feel sad as they are further indicators of her decline. Over the past few days, I have mentioned a couple of times that we are going to have lunch with our good and long-time friends, the Davises who live in Nashville. Each time I have mentioned it, Kate has quickly said, “What am I going to talk about?” The first time this occurred I told her she could talk about her children and grandchildren and our recent trip to Chautauqua. Even as I said it, I knew that she could not remember enough about Chautauqua to be able to say much. She told me she would need my help. This happened last night at dinner. She said that before the visit she wanted me to go through the things we had done at Chautauqua. She also mentioned wanting me to carry the load on the discussion. I assured her that I would. The subject came up again this morning, and it appears that she is quite concerned about not being able to participate in the conversation. I do know that her memory is so poor that this is something she won’t worry about except when I mention the visit. I don’t intend to bring it up again until time to go on Friday

This morning another moment of sadness occurred as she was preparing to go outside. She couldn’t find her clippers; so I gave her a new pair that I had bought and put away for just such an occurrence. I noticed that the lock on this pair is different from the others and said, “Let me show you how to unlock them.” She felt insulted, took the clippers, and headed for the door. I went to the back of the house to put away a couple of things she had left in our bedroom last night. In a moment, I heard her call to me. I knew what she wanted. When I reached her, she was heading my way and held out the clippers for me. I unlocked them and showed her how it was done. I suspect that she hadn’t remembered that she hadn’t let me show her a few minutes earlier; however, I felt sad for her that she had been so confident that she could do it herself and then had to come back to me right away to help.

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More Signs of Decline

I am seeing little signs of just how far along Kate is. This morning after her shower, she came into the living room of our apartment and said, “I’m ready.” I asked what she was ready for. She said, “To go home.” I got up, put my arms around at her and told her this was our first day at Chautauqua and that we had a week to go.

She had said something like this yesterday, and I told her we were here. I know that last night and tonight at dinner, she asked, “Where are we now?” Last night, I asked her what she meant, in this place (meaning the restaurant, or . . .” She stopped me. I told her we were at Chautauqua. She said, “I know that.” I believe she really didn’t know that.

Tonight she asked the identical question. I told her Chautauqua. She smiled and said, “We are?”

I don’t know that I said this earlier, but when I found her this afternoon, she was quite calm and seemed to have enjoyed being with the man she was talking with.

She enjoyed the morning lecture and got along fine at the 2:00 lecture even though we were in an overflow room where there was only audio.

All-in-all she has had moments of pleasure and others where she seems tired and unenthusiastic about being here. The latter reaction reinforces my thought that this will be our last year.

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Forgetting

Kate was slow getting going yesterday but perked up during the church service. She liked the preacher and got the feeling of being back in Chautauqua. We had a nice afternoon. After dinner, I took her on a short walk around Bestor Plaza before going back to the apartment.

For the second night in a row she skipped the evening program. It was the opera on Saturday and the sacred song service last night. In both cases, she had planned to go until after supper. At first, she started saying that she might not go. Then finally she said she would go if I really wanted her to go. I told her I wanted her to do what she really wanted.

Saturday night, she went to sleep quickly and was on the way to sleep before I left. Last night, she went to bed, but when I got home she was still awake

This morning she was up around 7:45 and took her shower. As I did yesterday, I laid out her clothes for her. A few minutes after 7:00, I had gone out to get her a muffin and orange juice. After she finished both, she went to the bathroom to brush her teeth. In a few minutes, she came into the living room with her toothbrush and toothpaste in hand and said, “I’m ready.” I said, “Ready for what?” She said, “To go home.” I got up from the sofa and gave her a hug and said, “This is our first day here. We have a whole week ahead.” She said, “Where are we?” I told her and said I should have reminded her. She nodded and said, “I’m just sleepy.”

This is just another of her poor memory AND mine. I should never have referred to being here without specifying where “here” is. I know she can’t remember. Why can’t I remember that?

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More Short-Term Memory Issues in Texas

This afternoon we attended our grandson’s high school graduation. First, we all had lunch at a “Texas” kind of place. They specialize in hamburgers but have a variety of other items like Mexican food. We joked with Brian about calling attention to him during the meal. This is because he doesn’t like attention and doesn’t want to be recognized publicly as a graduate or for that matter any other time like on a birthday. Before we left, his parents had him put on his robe and go outside for a picture. Then we went to the graduation. As we were walking out, she said, “Why did we go to this thing?” She hadn’t remembered at all that we were there for the graduation.

Then on the way back home, I told her than we would go back to the hotel and relax for about an hour. Then we would have dinner. I told her we would not go back to Kevin’s after dinner. She said, “Kevin’s?” I said, “You don’t remember where we are, do you?” She said, “No.” Again, it makes me so sad when I am hit with this even when I know she doesn’t remember.

I am also wondering how much our trip to Asheville that was followed only two days later with this trip to Lubbock may have compounded her memory problems if at all. I wonder whether she will recover any during the time we are home before going to Chautauqua, only four weeks from this Saturday.

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Forgetting Family

For quite a while I have noticed that Kate often does not recognize people in photos. I have attributed all of this to challenges with her vision. An experience this week has made me question this conclusion. While at Panera the other day, I showed her a couple of pictures of our grandchildren, Brian and Heather. They were pictures that Rachel had posted on Facebook. The pictures I showed her were very clear and large enough that she should have been able to tell who they were, but she had no idea.

For me this was one of the “wake-up” moments when I recognize that her memory is worse than I normally believe. It also reminded me of two other recent experiences. One was after a visit with Ann and Jeff Davis a couple of weeks ago. We had had a good visit. As we departed in the car, she asked, “What are their names again?”

The other involves another grandson, Randy. Jesse sent a text the other day with a picture of him with his new braces. She didn’t recognize him. I didn’t think that much about it at the time because it was a close up taken with a phone; so there was some distortion that could have confused her. That may be what caused her not to recognize him, but I wonder if she is just forgetting the visual images of people who are close to her. I don’t mean to suggest that she has forgotten that she has grandchildren and how many she has. More specifically, I think this is a forgetting of what they look like. I should note that they all live out of town; so we don’t see them on a regular basis. We see the ones in Lubbock about two or three times a year. The same is true for the twins who live in Memphis.

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Short-term Memory, Confusion, Dependence

Although I have mentioned for months (years?) that Kate’s short-term memory is going, my words are unable to capture how poor it is. For example, yesterday she put her yard clippers in the right hand side pocket of the passenger door. I asked if she thought we could remember where she had put them. She said, “I’ll remember.” Then she paused a second and said, “I don’t even remember right now.” I probed, and she hadn’t remembered.

We also had one of our more common experiences yesterday. This time it was she who was talking about someone. Then I said something about that person. She didn’t know who I was talking about and, once again, thought that I was being unclear.

Some confusion is not new, for example, she still asks if we are “staying here” tonight. Yesterday she also showed me her clippers after coming inside and asked what I wanted her to do with them. I told her she could keep them in the garage where she usually keeps them. It was clear that she didn’t remember. I asked if she would like me to put them up. She did.

Along with the confusion, she is giving up some of her independence and frequently asks for permission to do various things. Most often that means working outside. It also occurs in the evening before we go to bed. She is usually in her chair and I in mine. A typical example would be that she asks, “What do you want me to do now?” I might answer that it is getting time for bed and that she could put on her night clothes. Occasionally, she really surprises me during the day when she asks that question. Sometimes I tell her she could work on her iPad. Then she does. Since she works on it so much, it always seems strange that she would accept my suggestion as though she had never thought of it herself.

On several recent nights, she has either asked if I would get her a night gown or readily accepted if I asked if she wanted me to get her something to wear to bed.