Posted on

A Sad Moment

Over the past few days, Kate’s memory has seemed even weaker than usual. She often fails to remember her name and the names of her mother, father, and me. When I show her pictures or remind her of things about them, she generally shows a spark of recollection. That is less true recently and especially so today at lunch and afterward.

She has had trouble with her name and mine all day. During lunch, she asked my name, I said, “Richard.” She said, “I can’t call you that.” She struggled with how to explain, and I said, “Because you feel like you are too young to call me by my first name?” She acknowledged that was true. I said, “How about Mr. Richard?” She liked that.

As she often does, she asked the “name of this place.” I told her it didn’t, but it had an address and gave it to her. Then I said, “Some people think of it as Kate and Richard’s house.” She gave me a strange look. It was obvious that she couldn’t understand why it would be called that. I didn’t say anything more.

We were seated at our kitchen table, and a few minutes later, she said, “This is a nice room.” I agreed and told her I thought she would like to see the other rooms. When we finished eating, I took her to the dining room and told her I wanted her to see a few things from her parents’ house. She gave me another strange look and said, “Did I know my parents?” I told her she did. She said, “I don’t remember anything about them.” This was not the first time I had heard her say this. I told her I thought I could help her remember and started giving her the usual tour.

She expressed less interest than usual. She couldn’t get her mind off the fact that she didn’t remember them at all. She asked me where they are. I decided not to say they were gone. Instead, I said, “They’re in Fort Worth.” She said, “Did they like me?” I told her they loved her very much. She said, “If they did, why haven’t they seen me?”

I cut the tour short when she asked if I had any pictures of them. I took her into the family room to look at the “Big Sister” album that her brother had made for her. We didn’t get very far before she said, “I don’t remember any of this.” She was tired and asked if she could rest a while. That’s what she is doing right now. When she wakes up, she won’t remember forgetting her parents. The question is “Will she be fine, or will there be something else that disturbs her? Either one is quite possible.

Posted on

Another Change Since Sheltering-in-Place

I’ve talked about the negative impact that seems to relate to sheltering-in-place, but some changes are good. Saturday and again this morning, Kate was up early enough for me to fix her breakfast and enjoy being with her while drinking my coffee. I think these were the fourth of fifth times she has had breakfast since our being homebound. Being together for breakfast has never been a part of our marriage. I am an early riser and like to eat soon after I am dressed. Kate sleeps later and hasn’t had a great interest in breakfast, at least not right away.

Although her getting up for breakfast changes my morning routine, I find that it has two benefits. One is that it gives Kate something more nourishing than what she had in the past. Second, it provides us with a pleasant relatively quiet moment to start our day together. In each case, I have played soft music that is relaxing to fit the pace that we both enjoy in the morning. Our conversation matches the pace of the music. That works well for Kate and for me as well.

Is this change caused by our being homebound? I don’t really know. I only know that it corresponds to the time we were asked to shelter-in-place. Prior to that time, we would have gone to Panera for a blueberry muffin. Kate enjoyed the 400-plus-calorie muffin, and we both enjoyed the social contact it provided.

We only leave home for takeout now. That gives us much more time together and has been a bonus. On the other hand, it also leads to Kate’s being bored, so she sleeps or rests much more now. I believe the extra rest she gets plays a direct role in her sometimes waking earlier. It’s not just that she gets more rest. Her rest is intermittent and irregular. She rests a while. Then she sleeps. Then she rests while awake. I am sure that some days she gets more sleep than on other days. I believe she wakes early the mornings after days she has had more sleep the day before.

Whatever the reason, I have enjoyed the change, and it encourages me about the future. For a long time, I felt that we would ultimately transition to a day when we spend more time at home. Covid-19 may be introducing that transition earlier than I had anticipated. It reminds me that change can bring about both positive and negative consequences. This is one I welcome.

Posted on

The Demise of the iPad?

Over the past year or so, Kate had spent less and less time working jigsaw puzzles on her iPad. Prior to that, she spent 6-8 hours a day working puzzles. It was her only self-initiated activity. I started to record her weekly screen time in order to get a better idea of the changes in her usage. In November and December, she averaged 3-5 hours a week, far below her past usage. It continued that way until mid-January when it dropped to 2-3 hours a week.

Enter sheltering-in-place. April’s weekly figures are 1 hour 49 minutes, 1 hour 59 minutes, 1 hour 35 minutes, and this past week, 38 minutes. In terms of daily averages the figures (in minutes) are 16 , 17, 14 (includes a day that I worked  puzzles for at least 30 minutes one day demonstrating how it is done), and 5.4 for the week ending today.

The figures clearly indicate that her use of the iPad is almost a thing of the past. This change makes it more understandable why I spend more time with her now. She no longer has anything that she can do on her own. She does sometimes look at her photo books while the sitter is here but not for long.

It is also interesting that the most significant drop off occurred since we have been home bound. I might have expected an increase; however, even with the added time I spend with her, she has been less active since the changes Covid-19 has brought with it. The kind of things I do with her are more sedentary like looking at photo books. She tires quickly and wants to rest. I have gotten her out for very brief walks up and down the street, but those are a rarity. I think the decrease in stimulation has affected her ability to work her puzzles. When she works them, I spend a lot more time helping her than in the past. I don’t mean to suggest that sheltering is the only reason for the change. That had started long before any of us had heard of the Coronavirus. I just believe sheltering is another factor affecting her. It adds to my belief that the active lifestyle we maintained for so long paid dividends for us that we couldn’t fully appreciate until now.

Posted on

Going Home: A New Ritual?

Since Kate’s diagnosis, I’ve read many other caregivers’ accounts of their experiences “Living with Alzheimer’s.” At the most general level, I have learned at least two things. The most important to me is that there is much diversity in the circumstances of all caregivers and the loved ones for whom they care. That should be no surprise. After all, people without dementia are not all the same. Why should we find it different among those with dementia?

On the other hand, I have also found there are quite a few symptoms that are very common. One of those is the desire “to go home.” It is not only something that individual caregivers describe, but it spawns a variety of explanations for why it occurs among PWD. This is one of the ways in which Kate’s Alzheimer’s is quite like those others with her diagnosis.

I don’t recall exactly when this began, but it is something that is clearly more frequent now than in the past. This habit has led me to ask two questions. Why does she want to go home? and what should I do about it? Here are my answers.

Why does she want to go home? To me, this is an easy question. Her memory has declined so much that she no longer recognizes home. She doesn’t recognize any of the rooms in the house. She has to ask for my help each time she goes to the bathroom. Sometimes this doesn’t trouble her. That is especially true when she stops to admire things like the flowers inside and out as well as the shrubs and trees outside. The pleasure of that experience tends to divert her attention from being in a unfamiliar place.

The times when she is most likely bothered by not knowing where she is occurs when she wakes in the morning or from a nap. I believe her wanting to go home comes from a desire to be in a place she knows and is more comfortable. Since we have been sheltering in place she has also wanted to go home when we finish a meal. I think we’ve eaten out for so long that she thinks going home is the natural thing to do after eating.

So, how do I deal with it? When this first started happening, I did what I think most caregivers do. I reminded her that we were at home. As natural as that may be for a caregiver to believe appropriate, it doesn’t generally work for Kate. From what I have heard form other caregivers, it doesn’t work for them either. It had a momentary impact on Kate, but she would immediately forget and ask again.

That’s when I learned to tell her that I would be glad to take her home. This was before Covid-19. I would take her to Panera and get her something to eat and drink or just drink if it was close to a mealtime. This worked well until sheltering in place. Now I drive her around for 10-20 minutes and then return home. That has not failed yet. I say “yet” because she made me think she was onto me after dinner the other evening. About five minutes after leaving the house, she looked at me and said sternly, “Now, don’t try to trick me.” I said, “I won’t do that.” That is all that was said. We arrived home 15-20 minutes later, and she was happy. I don’t know what she was thinking about when she warned me not to trick her. I don’t really believe it was an awareness of what I was doing, but it sounded that way. Maybe I was just feeling guilty.

Anyway, I have found a way that through the time of this post has worked every time. That is not to say it will work in the future. If that happens, I’ll have to think of something else. I really hope I continue to be successful. It doesn’t require any elaborate plans and can be done rather quickly and effectively. What more could I want?

Posted on

Follow-up on Kate’s Sleeping

When I posted my previous update concerning Kate’s sleeping, it was 9:30. She was still asleep. I didn’t make any effort to get her up before 11:00. She was awake and pleased to see me. Her response was strange in that she started to cry. I asked if she could tell me why. She couldn’t, but she was able to tell me she was happy. That made me wonder if she had been awake for a while and didn’t know where I was or what to do.

She wasn’t eager to get up, but she did so willingly. She was very unsteady on her feet and very confused. We got a takeout lunch that we brought back to the house. Her confusion continued while we were eating. She couldn’t identify her hamburger patty, the bun, or the fries. She ate a good bit of the bun, but I think she would have left the patty if I hadn’t put pieces on her fork and fed them to her. The surprise to me (a pleasant one) was that she ate hardly any fries.

When we finished, we spent about thirty minutes looking at one of her family photo books. Then I turned on Phantom of the Opera on YouTube. I was doubtful that she would be interested since it wasn’t just a concert of the music but the full stage production. I was right. I turned it off after fifteen minutes.

She was tired and rested on the sofa for an hour before sitting up. She was confused and said, “Where am I?” I told her she was at home. She said she wanted to “get outa here.” I told her I would take her but wanted to show her a couple of things first. I took her into the hallway to see her pictures of her Grandmother, mother, and her father. She didn’t express her usual interest. She kept saying she wanted to go.

I took her by the hand and walked toward the garage where I intended take a short drive in the car and return home. Before getting to the garage, she changed her mind and wanted to stay. We went back to the family room. She said she was hungry. I got her some blueberries and cheese for a snack. She ate them and has been resting for about forty-five minutes. It is 5:15. We have plenty of lasagna left over from last night. I think I’ll serve that instead of bringing something in. We’ll both enjoy it.

Posted on

More on Kate and Sleep/Rest

Three months ago Kate wouldn’t get up on a day when the sitter was coming. She was still in bed when I left and also when I arrived home. It was about 4:15 when she finally got up.  There have been at least two other times she has slept until late in the afternoon, once until after 5:00. There have been several other days when she has not wanted to get up but ultimately agreed to do so.

When I tried to get her up yesterday, she was resistant. Pushing her never works, so I decided to let her rest a little more. After several unsuccessful attempts, I decided to encourage her. I told her I wanted to have lunch with her and hoped she would get up. That didn’t work at first, but, with a little coaxing, it did.

It was running close to the time for the sitter’s arrival. I put in an online delivery order from Panera. Kate was quiet but enjoyed her lunch. We were still eating when Mary arrived. When we finished, I took Kate in the family room and showed her several of her photo books she might enjoy. Then I prepared for a conference call.

While I was on the call, Kate went to sleep on the sofa and was still resting when Mary left. I went to the sofa and sat beside her. She continued to rest. I told her it was pizza night and asked if she would like to go with me to pick it up. I didn’t get a response. I decided to let her rest a few more minutes.

In fifteen minutes, I tried again without success. She responded the same way she has done when sleeping in the bed in the morning. She was good-natured and said, “I’ll get up in a few minutes.” The problem is that she never does.

I decided to cook lasagna. No, I didn’t make it. I bought it earlier in the week at a takeout place that has usually has two or three frozen dishes they prepare for times like these. Before eating, I asked if she would like to join me. She didn’t, so I went ahead. I fixed a salad (spinach and arugula with blueberries, tomatoes, and slivered almonds) to go with the lasagna. It was an unusually good meal.

After eating, I told Kate is was time to get ready for bed. She didn’t want to move and asked if she could sleep right there on the sofa. I told her that she needed to get to the bathroom and put on her night clothes and then it would be easier to get in bed. I was surprised when she agreed. She was in bed shortly after 7:30 and quickly went to sleep. She was asleep when I got in bed and slept through the night. I expected her to get up early this morning, but she didn’t make a sound when I got up. She is still sleeping at 9:15.

So, what’s going on? As so often happens, I don’t know. I know that it was a year ago that her sleep pattern began to change. Over that time, it has been less predictable than it was before that time. She has clearly been more tired than she used to be. During the past three months that has increased, especially in the past 3-4 weeks. She is not on her feet much before she wants to rest. That often occurs when I give her a tour of the house. She enjoys herself but gets worn out and wants to sit down. As I have speculated before, this may be a natural process as her body begins to shut down. Her doctor seems to think that might be it. Whatever it is, I suspect the fact that she has resisted any exercise must have exacerbated the problem. The good news is that she has not seemed disturbed or frightened. I am eager to see what happens today.

Posted on

Awareness of Vocabulary Loss

On many occasions I have mentioned Kate’s awareness that something is wrong with her. That is most evident when she is disturbed over not being able to recognize her surroundings or know who she is. I have also mentioned that her vocabulary is shrinking. Many everyday words are rapidly disappearing.

Until this past Monday, I hadn’t noticed any sign that she recognizes the latter change. We were in the bathroom brushing her teeth when I used a word that she didn’t understand. I don’t recall what it was, but it was something ordinary. I didn’t think much about until she said, “I like the way you talk.” I told her I thought I talked the way she does. She told me that I know more words than she does. She said it matter of factly without any sadness or great concern. I feel good about that, but it was a reminder of how much self-awareness she retains. She has far more insight about herself and others than I give her credit for. That awareness may well account for those moments when she seems depressed but can’t explain what’s wrong.

Posted on

Kate is Like a Child.

I suppose everyone has experienced and been delighted by the innocence of children. As a youth and during most of my adult life, I didn’t give much attention to children except for our own and those of family and friends. As I aged, I developed a greater appreciation of the gifts they bring us. They haven’t developed the sensitivity adults have about “proper” behavior. They behave and speak as if it only matters to them and no one else. They express what they feel so naturally.

Kate has always been interested in children. The nineteen years she served as our church’s volunteer librarian were especially fulfilling for her. Much of her work involved children either directly or indirectly. She would have kept her responsibilities as librarian had it not been for her Alzheimer’s. She realized before her diagnosis that she was no longer able to fulfill her position the way she thought she should and resigned.

During the past nine years, her interest in children has become a fascination for her. She enjoys watching them wherever we go and often speaks to them and compliments the parents for having such beautiful children. That has further increased my own appreciation of them.

That leads me to think about Kate. For the past three or four years, she has been somewhat more childlike herself. Increasingly, she behaves with me much like a child with her parent. That is expressed in several different ways.

The most typical example is her wanting to show me little things she has done. She seems proud of herself for what she is doing and wants my recognition. She likes me to watch as she pulls strands of her hair and runs her fingers between each of her toes to get “them” out. She asks me to look at her as she picks her teeth with her fingernails thinking there is something is stuck between them. She is sensitive about her skin and daily runs her fingers across the skin of her arms and legs and shows me her hand and says, “See them.” I try to pay attention and reinforce her belief that she is doing something good.

Above all, her most childlike qualities involve her expressions of enthusiasm for things she enjoys. Her pleasure over the beauty of flowers, trees, shrubs and house plants is the best example. The arrival of spring has brought daily moments of pleasure. She loves to share her enthusiasm with me and sometimes says, “Look at the pink (green, yellow.) “Do you see it?” I translate her question as “Won’t you share this beautifuI moment with me.” I never tire of seeing how excited she is almost every time she walks in our family room. That is particularly true when she sees the two small pots of African Violets. She also takes time to admire the four Poinsettias that have survived the winter. Occasionally, she sees the hydrangeas at the far end of the room and walks over to get a closer look. If she turns around after admiring them, she sometimes is surprised to see the Poinsettias again. I don’t ever recall seeing any sign that she is aware of having previously seen them or any of the other plants prior to that moment.

The newest source of pleasure involves her food. This has only occurred since being homebound. It seems surprising because the meals I prepare are very simple and most of our takeout meals aren’t the same caliber of those we have eaten at the restaurants. She rarely leaves anything on her plate. The exception would be the skin of apples and tomatoes as well as the crust of her bread.

She always wants to share her pleasure with me. It never dawns on her that her entrée and mine are almost always the same. Even when I tell her, she often says, “Try it. You’ll like it.” and passes her fork with a sample for me to taste.

It’s not just that she likes the food. She is animated and talks about it during a large portion of our meal. She liked her meals when we were eating out, but it was usually a special dessert that she talked about most. I never thought she was at all inhibited in a restaurant, but, perhaps, she feels even freer to talk when it is just the two of us at home.

Another possibility is that it is simply a side effect of her Alzheimer’s. She has forgotten most of the foods we eat. For a while, that was limited to a few things like pizza and pepperoni. Dr. Pepper has always been her favorite drink, and she wouldn’t drink the diet version. Now I only buy diet. It doesn’t make any difference even when she is looking at the bottle from which it was poured. She has also almost forgotten the name Dr. Pepper except to recognize it when I offer it to her. She raves about how good it is with almost every sip and then asks, “What is this?” We go through this multiple times during a meal. I suspect that is happening with all the other items on the table. As far as she knows, what she eats and drinks is always new and always good.

Some of you may be thinking, “How sad that she no longer recognizes the names of her favorite things.” You would be right. It is sad. It can be especially painful for me as her husband. How I wish I could spare her from these things as well as those that are to follow. My only way of adapting is to recognize that it is totally out of my control. All I can do is try to keep her safe and happy. I pour all of my energy into that. I’ve learned to live in her world and to be joyful that she can still enjoy life. I am also aided by the fact that she is so dependent on me. She is like a young child, she can do very little on her own. She needs help with everything, and I am willing and able to give it.

Posted on

Adapting to Changes in Kate’s Sleep Pattern

I’ve alluded many times to my OCD tendencies and my adaptability with respect to Kate’s Alzheimer’s. For the most part, I am pretty flexible and don’t experience any anxiety when things can’t go the way I planned. The hardest thing has always been my commitment to be on time. Kate’s Alzheimer’s presents a problem for me. I try to allow plenty of time to have her ready for all appointments and other obligations. This would include those that are self-imposed like having lunch together before the sitter arrives. I had a schedule that was working, but Kate’s recent changes in her sleep/rest pattern have upset things a bit.

Ironically, I’ve experienced more anxiety on the days we have a sitter than on the days we don’t. That doesn’t seem like the way it should be. It really shouldn’t, but the problem for me is two things. I feel a need to have Kate ready when the sitter arrives. It also involves the plans I have made for myself during that time. On Monday, my Rotary club meets at 12:30. The sitter arrives at noon. That works fine unless I’ve had trouble getting Kate up and dressed. This is self-imposed because I wasn’t sure how comfortable Kate would be having the sitter get her out of bed, help her with toileting, and dressing her. I am less sensitive to that now, but I still like for her to up and dressed when I leave.

On the other two days, I generally have more flexibility. The sitter arrives at 1:00. That gives us an additional hour to get ready and eat lunch. In addition, I rarely have any appointments as early as 1:30. That allows me a little extra time. It is not unusual for me to stay as long as fifteen minutes after the sitter arrives. Now that we are homebound, I have spent as much as two of the four hours at home. I could easily get along without a sitter now, but I don’t want to run the risk of losing them should I temporarily discontinue their service.

Several times recently Kate hasn’t gotten up until late in the afternoon. The first day I made a concerted effort to get her up. I didn’t push her too hard but far enough that I got a hostile reaction. I backed away. Since then, I have let her stay in bed as long as she wanted, but it bothered me.

Friday was another one of those days. I took a very non-threatening way of waking her. About thirty minutes before trying to wake her, I turned on music that I hoped might gently wake her. Then I took my laptop into the bedroom and worked on a blog post. I waited for her to open her eyes and see that I was there and then casually spoke to her in a way that she wouldn’t take as the first step to get her out of bed. I was very relaxed. We talked a little, but I didn’t try to get her up. She seemed in a good humor but sleepy. When I finally asked if she would like to have lunch with me, she wanted me to go ahead. I told her I would really like to eat with her but said nothing more. She didn’t move. I told her I would be in the kitchen if she needed me.

This time I believe I really accepted this as part of the natural progression of her Alzheimer’s and not a time for her to change. I’m the one who needs to do that. Having done it, I feel much better. To my surprise, I think the overall adjustments we are making in connection with being homebound have made this change easier than it might have been. It’s been a time when I have fewer obligations even those that are self-imposed. Except when I prepare a meal, our lives are more relaxed.

Since Rotary is not meeting, I have changed the time for our Monday sitter to 1:00 from noon. That and the fact that I don’t have to rush away when she arrives creates a greater feeling of relaxation. Like everyone, I am accepting a lot of things that were not my first choice. Given everything that is happening, fretting over her sleeping seems less important than it was before.

Posted on

Life is Different for Us Now, and It’s More Than Covid-19

It is Thursday, three days since my previous post. Some of my readers have let me know they wonder if something is wrong when I miss a day or two. I usually say that I have been busy and that we haven’t experienced any significant problems. That answer doesn’t fit this time.

I have been busy, but a good bit of that has involved problem-solving with Kate. She hasn’t been her normal self. It seems to be an escalation of the problems surrounding her sleeping late. It’s not just the sleeping that is the problem. She has been more confused. She frequently thinks she is not in her own house. Now, however, it seems that she typically believes she is somewhere else. I don’t believe there was a time yesterday when she realized she was at home.

It’s not just home that she doesn’t recognize. She is also having more trouble recognizing me as her husband. It’s ironic that she is simultaneously remembering my name more than she has in a long time. That provides me with a certain amount of comfort although she frequently asks, “Where is my husband?” or says, “I wish Frank were here.” That was especially true yesterday. Before I tell you about that, I need to follow up on our very busy day Sunday. It will be easy to summarize.

You will recall that she was up early on Sunday and very active. She wasn’t agitated, but she was awake all but a very brief time during the entire day. She slept well that night and was wiped out the next day. I made an effort to get her up for lunch before the sitter came. That was a lost cause. I decided to let her sleep/rest as long she wanted. I finally got her up for dinner at 5:45.

She didn’t want to come to the table. I set up a card table and folding chairs in the bedroom, and we ate our dinner. She was still tired after dinner and wanted to go to bed. She slept well. When she woke up on Tuesday, she was back to normal. We had a good day. That brings us to yesterday.

Kate got up about 6:45. I don’t recall her ever getting up so early in years except for a bathroom break. I was in the kitchen when I looked at the video cam. She was starting to make up the bed. When I went to her, I found that she seemed wide awake. I offered to take her to the bathroom. She didn’t want to go. She also didn’t want to get dressed. She wasn’t irritated with me. She just didn’t want to do these things. She was somewhat like she had been on Sunday. She felt there were things she needed to do.

I had taken my plate of scrambled eggs with me to the bedroom. She saw them and said, “That looks good.”  I told her I could make some for her. She liked the idea, and we went to the kitchen.

Throughout the entire day, she kept “losing” me. In most instances, I was very near her at the time. She just didn’t see or recognize me. This first occurred as I walked ahead of her from the bedroom to the kitchen, she lost me a couple of times and asked where I was. She didn’t seem terribly upset, but she was relieved when she saw me. This continued at the table while I was getting her breakfast of apple juice, strawberries, grapes, and scrambled eggs. She ate every bite. I was pleased because she hasn’t wanted eggs in a long time. I’m glad to have a more nutritious option for blueberry muffins.

It was also a day when she didn’t recognize me as her husband nor that she was in our home. She was especially surprised when I started to load the dishwasher. She acted like I was her guest and said she would do it later.

Several times she said, “Where is your brother?” I told her Birmingham. She said, “Why is he there?” One time she said, “When is he coming?” This surprised me as she hasn’t said anything about my brother in a long time. I can’t imagine what prompted her to remember him.

After breakfast, she was tired and wanted to rest. I suggested she get dressed first and then rest in the family room. She accepted my suggestion and slept almost an hour, much less time that I expected given that she was up so early. Since I had missed my morning walk, I took advantage of the time and took it then (inside the house, of course).

The next surprise was that she started to get up after she was awake. Normally, she would continue to rest and only get up when I suggest that we do something together. I asked her where she was going. She said she didn’t know. That’s when I suggested that I come over to the sofa and look at one of her photo books with her. She agreed.

I picked up a photo book and sat with her. She didn’t know who I was and asked my name. I told her, and she wanted to know our relationship. I told her I was her husband. This was a time when I shouldn’t have been honest. She was bothered by not knowing. I told her I didn’t mean to upset her. She said she wanted me to be honest. She went on to say she was not herself. I told her I recognized that. She wanted to know why she was this way. She said, “It’s not just my memory. I don’t know how to do things.” I said, “That must be scary.” She said, “It is.’

She wasn’t as interested in going through the photos as she usually is. That led me to go in a different direction. I started to give her a tour of the living and dining rooms. We passed by a photo of our twin grandchildren. She enjoyed seeing them. Then I showed her a pitcher with a note from her mother that said it had been a gift from her father to his mother and that she had kept in her living room many years and was to go to Kate who could pass it along to our daughter Jesse. Kate was moved by this. From there we went to the living room. I showed her a cabinet with eighteen porcelain dolls. Her father had given them to her mother for anniversaries, birthdays, and other special occasions. At this point, she got very emotional and indicated this was too much for her. I suggested we eat lunch. I fixed her a grilled ham and cheese sandwich and a salad with chicken for me. She sat at the table while I prepared the meal. Several times, she said, “Where is he?” Each time, I walked to her and said, “I am right here. I wouldn’t leave you.” She was very relieved each time.

After lunch, we went back to the family room to look at photo books again. That’s what we were doing when the sitter arrived. Kate was still confused. I decided not to abruptly  get up and leave. Mary had brought her lunch and ate it in the kitchen while we continued to look at family pictures. When Mary finished, she came back to the family room and took a chair across the room. Finally, I told Kate I thought I would take a walk around the neighborhood and asked if that would be all right. She said that would be fine, and I slipped out.

I was gone forty minutes. I expected to see Kate asleep on the sofa. Instead, she was still looking at her photo book. That is very unusual. She always likes to nap after lunch. In addition, I don’t remember a time when she spent that long looking at photo books by herself. It makes me think that she was trying to find something that would jog her memory.

More importantly, she was more confused than when I left. She looked at me with a flash of recognition but was puzzled. I think she recognized me as someone she knows but not as her husband. I sat down with her and went through the book giving her information about the people she in the book. Several times she asked my name and relationship. I told her, but she didn’t express any great emotion.

I could tell rather quickly that she needed something to divert her and thought of her father’s family movies that had been transferred to DVDs. I mentioned them to her, and she was interested. We went back to the bedroom where I put in one of the DVDs. The part we watched was shot around the mid-to-late 1930s, so the quality of the film is poor. The sound that accompanies them was made by Kate’s father, mother, and two cousins as they watched the films we watched. That helped us identify most of the people. That is especially important for the children we have only known as adults. Kate was immediately taken by what she saw. We watched for an hour before ordering a takeout meal for dinner.

During the film, Kate periodically said, “Where is my husband?” Each time I said, “I am right here.” She experienced immediate relief and then asked the same question again. It was a bit frustrating for both of us, she because she didn’t know where I was and didn’t recognize me as her husband, I because no matter what I said I could give her only momentary comfort.

We went through this same routine at dinner. After we finished, she was tired and ready for bed. She was still awake when I joined her two hours later. She didn’t ask about her husband, but I could tell by the way she responded to me that she didn’t believe I was he.