Change is gradual and impossible to detect from day to day. On the whole, however, I would say that Kate has exhibited a number of changes in behavior. I take all of them as signs of her continued decline and drift away from me. I have noted her desire for independence a number of times. This is pretty strong and I believe the result of my trying to help her so much. She has become resentful of that and tells me that I don’t think she can do anything on her own. She is not far off base on this judgment. She makes so many mistakes that I find myself trying to head them off. She even resists taking my hand as we cross streets or go down stairs. I have offered numerous times to help her clean up the clothes in the three bedrooms. She won’t hear of it. She says she is working on it. In fact, recently she has been doing so. This past week I had planned for us to go to Panera during the morning while our housekeeper cleaned. She wanted to do so, but she started cleaning her office; so I let her do that. She was getting some satisfaction from doing it, and it really needs to be done. She works very slowly; so she didn’t get far. Then she messes up faster than she is able to clean up.
She is washing clothes more regularly, something else that I believe arises from her desire to be independent. It also comes, I think, from her not be able to do so many things that she gravitates to those things she is able to do.
I have commented on her developing a sense of humor. She hits me pretty hard for being so compulsive. Sometimes the way she says things doesn’t sound humorous at all. I am wondering if she isn’t moving toward being irritable. I hope not. It is much easier to take when I think she is teasing me. This is something I may say something about, but I don’t want to make her angry or try to get her in a conversation she is not equipped to handle. This is very delicate.
As I begin to look at all the things going on, I am more convinced that 2015 is not going to be a good year for us. I have talked to more people about her AD in the past few months, and I have been writing more in this journal during January than I have done in quite a while. That may signal something about me as well as about Kate. I am going through more frustration, sadness, and possibly fear of the future. I am in the midst of planning our trip to Switzerland in May and am wondering about modifying my plans to make things even more leisurely than I had originally planned. Rushing her is the worst thing I can do.
Let me also make a note about her expressions of appreciation. At the same time her irritability seems to be increasing, she is also expressing more appreciation. She frequently says, “You take such good care of me.” I believe she is truly sensing her decline and recognizes how much she needs me even as she is fighting for her independence. At any rate, I much prefer the appreciation than the irritability.
