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Happy Days From Morning to Night

Five years ago this month, Kate had Covid and spent eight days in the hospital. That was the catalyst that pushed her into Stage 7 Alzheimer’s, the last stage. Since then, she has required total care. We feed her, bathe her, dress and change her, and get her in and out of bed and wheelchair with a lift. None of us would like to be in her position. The fantastic thing is that she is happy.

I often comment about the “Happy Moments” she experiences. These are times when she seems to be at ease. She smiles. She laughs. She talks, although we can’t understand most of what she says because of her aphasia.

She has moments like this every day. I refer to them as “moments” because they do not occur throughout the day. Her day is also filled with what I call “Neutral Moments” when she is neither happy nor sad.

Once in a while, her days are filled with “Happy Moments” from morning to night. On days like that, she is cheerful when she begins the day and retains her cheerful spirit as we put her to bed.

Yesterday was one of those days. In fact, I believe it was the best day I have seen since before she had Covid. It was thrilling for me and for many others who hadn’t seen her like this before.

I don’t predict her behavior, so I don’t know if we will have a repeat of yesterday. I do know that she’s been getting better for the past two or three years. That is especially true for the past month. I also know that one day she will take a downward turn. In the meantime, I will treasure every moment or day I have with her.

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A Special Surprise

Life is full of surprises. I find that is especially true with Kate while “Living with Alzheimer’s”. Even more surprising is that many of the surprises during Stage 7 (the last stage) have been happy ones. One of those occurred yesterday.

I often comment about our “Happy Moments” that occur when she is cheerful. I call them moments because they happen off and on, not all day. Yesterday was special. It began just before 8:00 am when I heard her say something. I went to the bedroom to check on her and found that her eyes were open. As I approached her, she gave me a big smile, clearly recognizing me —something that doesn’t happen most mornings. We chatted briefly before I went to the kitchen to get her morning meds.

After giving her the meds, she was still in a very cheerful mood. I took that opportunity to hop into bed beside her. That began an hour-and-a-half conversation. As always, I understood little of what she said, but it was clear that she was happy. She laughed as she told me whatever was on her mind. It was a great way to begin the day.

She was still happy when I left for my weekly Rotary meeting. Upon returning, she greeted me with a beautiful smile. Later, when we went out for ice cream, she was still cheerful and surprised two residents who come by to see her almost every afternoon. Both of them got to see her smiling and talking. They look for that every day, but it only happens once in a while.

We closed the day with a very special time after the caregiver left at 7:00. She didn’t say much. I did most of the talking. I recounted a number of special times together going back to our dating, marriage, and having children. She continued smiling, and we both drifted off to sleep with music playing in the background.

It was the kind of day we could never have imagined following her diagnosis. We are fortunate and very grateful to enjoy life and each other so late in our journey with Alzheimer’s.

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Why Have We Gotten Along So Well?


Why have we gotten along so well?

After Kate’s diagnosis on January 21, 2011, we talked a lot about how we wanted to respond. We decided to simply enjoy life and each other as long as we could. At the time, we were uncertain how long that would be. We just began living in the moment, and that has paid great dividends.

Looking back, I believe there are two major reasons for our success. The first is that we accepted the losses we have encountered (and still encounter) and focus on what remains.

The second reason is that when we chose to “enjoy life and each other,” it led to activities that Kate could appreciate. Progressively, she lost many abilities. We let go of the activities that required those abilities and focused on things she could still enjoy. For almost five years, she has been in the last stage of Alzheimer’s (Stage 7), but we are still able to find ways to enjoy life and each other.

That’s because the things we chose to enjoy have been things like music that she can appreciate intuitively via her senses. We have binged on music since her diagnosis. The other is that we have remained as socially active as possible. I should also add that I have smothered her with affection. She knows she is loved.

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A Big Surprise

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Last night, Sarah surprised me with a “Happy Moment” that I won’t soon forget. We were in bed after the caregiver left. We typically spend a while watching YouTube videos, but I decided to try something different. I put on a DVD of ”The Sound of Music.”

I was hesitant about doing this because she hasn’t enjoyed watching TV for several years. Even when I have YouTube videos running, she doesn’t seem to watch. She just listens.

To help her follow along, I told her about the characters and what was happening. I was surprised to see that she seemed to follow and enjoy the movie. Although I couldn’t understand most of what she said, her smiles, laughter, and other audible reactions conveyed her feelings.

As it came time for us to call it a night, I asked if she would like to finish the movie “tomorrow” and listen to some of our audio music until we fell asleep. She rarely gives an answer to such questions, but she moved her head to say “No” and smiled when I said I would leave the movie on.

Ultimately, I did turn off the movie and put on some music. I hadn’t seen her engaged in anything on television in a long time. It was a beautiful way to end what was already another nice day with the love of my life.

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Happy Moments Keep Coming

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Over the past week, Kate has had more Happy Moments than usual. This goes along with the gradual improvement that began 2-3 years ago. Saturday was an especially Happy Day. She was cheerful most of the day and into the evening. When she was having her afternoon ice cream, the two residents who drop by almost every day came by to catch a smile. They hit the jackpot. She not only smiled, but she also talked and laughed with them. At one point, one of them said, “What are you laughing at?” Kate quickly and clearly said, “At you!”

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Improving at Stage 7 Alzheimer’s. Can it be?

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Like many other people, I’ve often thought the progression of Alzheimer’s involves the loss of one ability after another, and there is truth to that. Fifteen years ago, Kate was driving, active on her computer, and tending to her plants at our house for hours each day. Today, she can’t walk, bathe, dress herself, or talk in a way that we can understand.

What is amazing is that she has improved in important ways over the past two to three years. She is happier now and although mornings are her most difficult time of the day, she often awakes in a cheerful mood.

I frequently talk about her “Happy Moments”. These are moments when she is cheerful and often accompanies that by talking. I use the term “moments” because her mood comes and goes throughout the day. She shifts between Happy Moments and what I call “Neutral Moments”. That is the way she is much of the time; however, during the past week, she has experienced more Happy Moments than usual.

One of those occurred on Labor Day morning. She was smiling when I first noticed that she was awake. After giving her morning medications, she began to talk. I got into bed with her to take advantage of the moment. She said, “It’s good to see you.” That may not seem special, but it is for someone who doesn’t speak at all most of the time, and when she does, you can’t understand her.

She continued to be cheerful off and on throughout the entire day. We went for ice cream that afternoon. As I was about to put the ice cream on the table, she said, “That’s mine.” It was Labor Day, and a few minutes later, I said, “It’s so quiet today. They don’t have many activities going on.” Kate immediately gave a startled look that meant “Really?” Responses like this let us know that she follows and understands much of what I and others say.

Moments like these make it clear to me that all is not lost with Alzheimer’s, not even during the late stages. She is still able to connect with people, and it appears that she enjoys it. I think there are a number of reasons for her improvement. I’ll save that for another post, but I hope that our experience might be encouraging to other families with a loved one who has dementia. I am sure that Kate isn’t the only one who could improve at this point in the disease.

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My Favorite Part of the Day

I’ve often noted that mornings are the most challenging part of the day for Kate. That is a time when she smiles and talks less than she does later in the day. Although that continues to be the case, she does smile and talk a little more in the morning than she has in years.

Having said this, the late afternoon and evening remain the times she is more comfortable and at ease, which leads to more smiling and talking. My favorite time of the day is after the caregiver leaves at 7:00. Our primary responsibilities are over, and we can relax together.

Not always, but very often, we spend our time talking while watching music videos on YouTube . It is our conversations that I enjoy the most. They are quite different from our pre-Alzheimer’s conversations. The disease and especially the loss of normal speech make it difficult to understand what she is saying.

What is important to me is that she is relaxed. She is eager to talk. She is happy. She is also more comfortable talking with me than most people she encounters during the day. That tells me that our relationship is still special for her, just as it is for me, and that means the world to me.

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Happy Moments with Family

In some ways, being Kate’s caregiver is like being a parent. That’s the case when we are around other people. She is often cheerful, and her paid caregivers and I get to see that every day. I want other people to see that as well.

That is especially true for our children. Both of them live out of state and visit us three or four times a year. I send them videos regularly. That gives them a pretty good idea of what I call “Happy Moments”, but they don’t always see the best of her when they are here.

Our son and his wife were with us for four days this week, and Kate rose to the occasion. Each day, she was at her best, smiling and talking. She made all of us smile, and she closed their visit with a surprise Wednesday morning just before they left.

Please permit me to digress a moment. People often ask me if Kate recognizes the children when they visit. I tell them it’s difficult to be sure. She is comfortable with them, but I haven’t seen many clear signs that make me sure that she remembers their names or that they are her children. I may think differently in the future. That’s because of a Happy Moment that occurred as they were about to leave.

It was shortly after 8:00am when our son, his wife, and I went into the bedroom to see if she might be awake. She usually sleeps later than that and even when she is awake, she doesn’t often begin the day with a smile. Thus, I was doubtful that she would give us any response. I was wrong.

Our son leaned down with his face close to hers and began talking to her. She immediately responded with her beautiful smile that continued as he spoke. She was still smiling as we left the room. It was a touching moment.

I know I can’t be sure that she knew she was smiling at her son, but it looked like that to me. That’s what I believe, and I know it was a “Happy Moment” for our son, his wife, and me.

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My Best Source of Stress Relief

Because there are greater demands placed on me during this late stage of Kate’s Alzheimer’s, I experience more stress now than at earlier stages. The good news is that Kate is my greatest source of stress relief. I cannot say enough good things about her.

She is happy. That isn’t obvious every moment of the day, but she displays her happiness numerous times daily with her smile. She often smiles in her sleep. Sometimes she talks when she is apparently dreaming. These conversations (at least her part) are usually cheerful, and she sometimes laughs during them.

Our conversations are most important to me. They occur mostly in the evening after the caregiver leaves, but we also have them at other times of the day. These two occurred after I returned home from lunch on Saturday afternoon.

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Our Anniversary Celebration

To celebrate our anniversary last night, I arranged for a wheelchair-accessible van and took Kate out to dinner at a restaurant where we had shared many special moments since the early seventies.

Alzheimer’s makes it impossible to predict how she will respond in situations like that, but she rose to the occasion. Her best times are in the late afternoon, and she was smiling before we left. She was cheerful throughout the dinner and after returning home.

Her most difficult times are in the morning, but lately she has been waking up with a big smile. That happened this morning. It looks like another nice day for us. I wish the same for you.