After returning home to relieve the sitter yesterday, Kate and I went to Panera for about an hour before going to dinner. While we were there, we had another of those touching experiences that occur so spontaneously from time to time. And it seems like they occur in such unglamorous places. It began with her saying, “You’re a nice guy.” She made several other complimentary remarks and then asked my name. I said, “I love you.” Her response surprised me. She said, “You do?” I said, “Very much.” Then her eyes filled with tears. She wanted to say more but couldn’t. She just reached both hands across the table, and we held hands for a few moments without saying a word. I wondered why she was so touched. She’s heard me say that countless times before without a tear. I don’t want to overreach in my interpretation, but I believe it is another sign of her recognition that she is losing her ability to do so many things.
I said something about our having been married for 55 years. That brought on another surprise. She couldn’t believe we are married. Very much like she did the last time this happened, she asked if we were really married or just living like a married couple. I assured her we are married. She accepted it but couldn’t understand not being able to remember. Her puzzlement caused me to rethink my efforts to help her retain whatever little memory remains. When I told her we have been married 55 years, I was trying to be helpful in keeping that memory alive. It wasn’t reassuring to Kate. She said, “Are you sure? I should remember that.” Her comment and the look on her face told me it could also be a harsh reminder of how bad her memory is. I don’t intend to make any abrupt changes in what I tell her, but I am going to be more careful of the things I say and when I say them. I will certainly answer her questions directly, but I want to avoid bombarding her with information that might exacerbate her anxiety.
During the time we were at Panera and again at dinner, Kate was very tired. She had gotten up unusually early (before 7:45). That could easily account for her being tired; however, I don’t ever recall her looking or expressing being tired the way she did this time. I thought about how difficult it has been for her to get up the past few days. She has slept that late before, but she has always been able to get up more easily. Once again, I see this as part of a pattern of change is taking place.
At dinner, she said she was ready for bed. When we arrived at home, she said, “Just tell me what to do.” I brought her to our bedroom and suggested she brush her teeth and that I would get her night clothes. It didn’t take her long to get in her gown with my help, something she often delays until later in the evening. She got into bed with her iPad.
For a while, she worked quietly on her iPad while I watched the news. Then she started making periodic comments. At first, she talked about how much I do for her and how much she appreciated it. Before putting on her gown, she asked me if we would be staying here another night. I told her we were. Later when she was in bed, she said she had learned a lot during our marriage and began to talk as though we were in a foreign country. She talked about the advantages we have in the US compared to the people we were seeing. She said she was glad she was with me and proud of the way I was able to relate to the people. She made reference to a group of men that were “working with” me. I wondered if she thought we were part of a work crew cleaning up after a disaster. She said she was proud of the work I was doing and asked if her brother, Ken, knew what I was doing. I told her I hadn’t spoken with him. She asked that I send him an email tomorrow.
Around 7:30, she put down the iPad and said good night. I put on some music and told her I would stay there in the room with her. When I came to bed at 9:45, she was still awake. I suspect she had dosed on and off for two hours. When I got in bed, she was very talkative. At first, I didn’t understand what she was talking about. That’s because she began with an assumption that I already knew. One of the first things she said was, “Weddings can be a lot of work, but they can be worth it.” It took me a while to figure out that she thought we were at a wedding. Several times, it sounded like she might be talking about our own wedding, but I was never sure. She also talked about marriage, pointing out that a husbands and wives will find things on which they don’t agree, but they need to learn how to work them out. She repeated this theme several times. Except for the fact that she appeared to be imagining an experience that wasn’t/didn’t happen and that she was devoting so much attention to it, what she said were very rational, sensible observations about married life.
