As a caregiver who is regularly trying to assess where Kate is on her journey and the significance of the changes I observe, I also recognize the impossibility of define clean breaks representing the transition from one stage to another. There is just too much overlapping. I think what happens is that I have to notice a variety of specific things before I have a sense that she has made any significant changes. That is what has happened over the past few months including the past few days.
When I think about the specific things she has done, they aren’t sufficient by themselves to make me think we are at a new stage of our journey. I have commented on Kate’s increasing dependence on me, but it seems like it’s more than just dependence. She seems to be entering a stage in which she is needier than she has been in the past. I say that based on the increasing number of questions she asks. They aren’t simply about people’s names. For example, yesterday she got a glass out of the kitchen cabinet and wanted ice. She couldn’t remember where to go for ice. At the time, we were standing at the island directly across from the refrigerator where she has been getting her ice for 21 years including a few hours before. As with the loss of names, this doesn’t mean that she has forgotten and will never remember how to get ice again. It begins with one instance and gradually becomes worse. She also shows signs of forgetting which light switch to use to control a specific light or fan. Within the past couple of days she asked me where to turn off the light in a hallway to the bedrooms, a switch she has used multiple times each day for 21 years.
Another indication of her neediness, occurred yesterday when she told me she was glad to see me after I returned home from the Red Cross. It was just saying it. It was the sound of her voice that conveyed how much she meant what she said. It is also in the frequency with which she tells me how glad she is that we met at TCU.
One more of many examples is something that happened last night. As I got ready to take my shower, she called to me. When I reached her, she said, “What should I do?” I told her it would be a good time to get her night clothes and relax a little before going to bed. She looked a little puzzled. I asked if she would like me to get her night clothes. She said she would. Then she followed me to her room where I saw a gown on the bed where our housekeeper had folded it and left it for her. I asked if she would like that one. She said yes, and we went back to our bedroom. A short time later, using her hand signals, she asked if she could use her iPad, something that she needn’t ask at all.
About thirty minutes ago, I took her to the hairdresser. When we left, she was carrying a pair of pants and a wash cloth with her. When we arrived, she asked (again with hand signals) if she should take them in. I told her she could leave them in the car.
All of these things tell me she is not only more dependent, but feeling confused and needy as well. As these changes take place, I feel an increasing desire to help her. That seems like a pretty natural feeling to have after fifty-five years of marriage.
