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Confusion

For the third night in a row, Kate has not known where we are. We were at dinner at the Brick Walk Cafe. Kate was facing where she could see Bestor Plaza and all the people outside. I said, “I guess tonight you know where we are.” She hesitantly said, “At home?” I told her we were at Chautauqua. She was pleased. She obviously hadn’t remembered our being here. Memory problems are so interesting. She clearly remembers Chautauqua. The mention of the name brings out good thoughts, but she is unable to recognize that we right here on the grounds.

This fits with my suspicion that while we were in Lubbock in June, she never remembered where we were. Knowing this makes me wonder whether or not we should make any further travel plans. If she were showing signs of distress, I would clearly not consider traveling. As it is, she does have moments of pleasure every place we go. Much of the time she doesn’t express a lot of enthusiasm, but it comes out periodically. She liked the morning speaker. She didn’t say anything about the afternoon speaker. That was one that I didn’t enjoy myself.

The only other trip that is in my planning right now is the trip to Fort Worth for homecoming. That is around October 19. There are two reasons that I would like to make the trip. The first is that I expect that this will be her last trip home. Second, it will be her only opportunity to see a grandchild at TCU. Our oldest will be a freshman in September. Kevin and his family as well as Kate’s brother and his wife are also planning to be there. It just seems like an important trip to make. At the moment, I have hotel reservations but haven’t done anything else to prepare for the trip. I’ll wait another month to make a go or no go decision. Even then I will be prepared to cancel if necessary.

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More Signs of Decline

I am seeing little signs of just how far along Kate is. This morning after her shower, she came into the living room of our apartment and said, “I’m ready.” I asked what she was ready for. She said, “To go home.” I got up, put my arms around at her and told her this was our first day at Chautauqua and that we had a week to go.

She had said something like this yesterday, and I told her we were here. I know that last night and tonight at dinner, she asked, “Where are we now?” Last night, I asked her what she meant, in this place (meaning the restaurant, or . . .” She stopped me. I told her we were at Chautauqua. She said, “I know that.” I believe she really didn’t know that.

Tonight she asked the identical question. I told her Chautauqua. She smiled and said, “We are?”

I don’t know that I said this earlier, but when I found her this afternoon, she was quite calm and seemed to have enjoyed being with the man she was talking with.

She enjoyed the morning lecture and got along fine at the 2:00 lecture even though we were in an overflow room where there was only audio.

All-in-all she has had moments of pleasure and others where she seems tired and unenthusiastic about being here. The latter reaction reinforces my thought that this will be our last year.

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Lost Yet Again at Chautauqua

This is a post I would rather not write. I am driven to do so by the possibility someone out there might have the mistaken idea that I am caring for Kate perfectly. I left Kate at the apartment this afternoon for about an hour and a half. When I returned, she was gone.

I wouldn’t have done this at all if I hadn’t gotten her out of bed this morning at 10:30 to get to the morning lecture at 10:45. That was followed by lunch, a quick stop by the apartment to brush teeth, and on to a 2:00 lecture with Bill Moyers. Before coming this year, there were two speakers I definitely wanted to hear. One is Alan Cooperman who heads the division of research on religion at Pew Research. I have read so many of his study findings and wanted to hear his presentation.

Knowing that Kate would want to have a break, I brought her back to the apartment. She said she was going to rest a while. I told her I didn’t want her to go anywhere. She said, “Oh, I wouldn’t go anywhere.” Of course, I knew she couldn’t remember.

When I returned and found her gone, I was panicked. It was daylight, and it is a safe place. On the other hand, it was beginning to rain. I knew she hadn’t taken an umbrella or rain jacket. The first thing I did was to walk across the street to the Brick Walk Cafe to see if she might be there. Then I walked around the Plaza and went into the book store. I came back to the apartment and checked again. I saw the neighbor in the apartment next to us and told her to be on the look out. I left to retrace my steps and still did not find her. I decided to contact security. I did so by going to the visitors’ center. They called security for me. I gave them a description of her. Then I went to the market here on the plaza and bought some gauze and hydrogen peroxide to clean up several cuts to my arm. I had taken a fall on the way back from the 3:30 lecture. There I told the people about Kate. I also told a driver of one of the small buses that circulate the area to be on alert for her. I told people at a dress shop in St. Elmo about her as well. On the way back to the apartment I saw a young man, Kyle, who was driving a golf cart and stopped him. It turned out he was with security and was out looking for her. As I was talking to him, I got a call from a man who said she was with him on Robert Street. I thought he was with security, but it turned out that he was with the Ecumenical House that is around the corner from our apartment. She apparently wandered over there. I will have to find out how he got my phone number and to thank him.

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Forgetting

Kate was slow getting going yesterday but perked up during the church service. She liked the preacher and got the feeling of being back in Chautauqua. We had a nice afternoon. After dinner, I took her on a short walk around Bestor Plaza before going back to the apartment.

For the second night in a row she skipped the evening program. It was the opera on Saturday and the sacred song service last night. In both cases, she had planned to go until after supper. At first, she started saying that she might not go. Then finally she said she would go if I really wanted her to go. I told her I wanted her to do what she really wanted.

Saturday night, she went to sleep quickly and was on the way to sleep before I left. Last night, she went to bed, but when I got home she was still awake

This morning she was up around 7:45 and took her shower. As I did yesterday, I laid out her clothes for her. A few minutes after 7:00, I had gone out to get her a muffin and orange juice. After she finished both, she went to the bathroom to brush her teeth. In a few minutes, she came into the living room with her toothbrush and toothpaste in hand and said, “I’m ready.” I said, “Ready for what?” She said, “To go home.” I got up from the sofa and gave her a hug and said, “This is our first day here. We have a whole week ahead.” She said, “Where are we?” I told her and said I should have reminded her. She nodded and said, “I’m just sleepy.”

This is just another of her poor memory AND mine. I should never have referred to being here without specifying where “here” is. I know she can’t remember. Why can’t I remember that?

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Lack of Enthusiasm

It is a pleasant Sunday morning. We arrived at Chautauqua around 3:00 yesterday afternoon. I had planned for us to get away a little earlier and have lunch at the Italian Fisherman at Bemus Point on the lake. It turned out that Kate was very tired. She had gone to bed just before 10:00 the night before and didn’t wake up until 8:45. She showered, ate a muffin I had brought to her, and got back into bed. She remained there until I got her up at 11:50 since check out time was noon.

The chattiness (that is an overstatement) of the previous night was gone. She didn’t say much until we got here. After we got to the apartment, she rested until time for dinner. After dinner, we took a short walk around the area, and I pointed out several places where we had stayed before. She was enjoying herself for the first time that day. She commented on the beauty of the place and how nice it was to be here. We talked about how much Chautauqua had meant to both of us over the years.

Last night’s entertainment was a performance of the Respighi’s L’Orfeo. Kate had planned on going and seemed excited (another overstatement) about going. About 7:30, she asked me if it would be all right if she skipped the opera. I told her it would. She went to bed before 8:00. She got up about 8:30 this morning. I had gotten her a muffin and orange juice. She ate the muffin and drank most of the juice. She worked on her iPad for a few minutes. Then she went back to bed. She has seemed very tired and hasn’t wanted to talk or for me to talk.

We have the Sunday morning church service at 10:45 a.m. We have always attended this service and plan to do so this morning although she has expressed no special excitement about being here or attending the service. I hope that she will find herself getting in to the spirit of things once the service begins.

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Sleep Again

About an hour ago, Kate woke up and ate a muffin along with some juice I had brought up for her. Then she went back to sleep where she is still resting. I woke her up a couple of minutes ago and told her it was about time for us to leave. She asked that I give her a few more minutes. I plan to wake her in the next fifteen minutes, and we’ll be on our way to Chautauqua via Bemus Point and the Italian Fisherman.

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Very Good Night’s Sleep

It is now 10:30 a.m. Kate is sleeping soundly. She got in bed last night before 10:00 and went to sleep quickly. She did awaken when I got in bed closer to 11:00. She was up around around 8:45 and took a shower. After the shower, she returned to bed. I waited on her for a while so that we could both go down to breakfast at our hotel. She was sleeping so well that I finally went down to breakfast on my own. When I returned, she was dressed but back in bed asleep. Check out time is noon; so I am going to let her sleep a while longer.

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A Good Day (10:36 pm)

I am writing from our hotel room in Buffalo, NY. We have had a long but leisurely trip from Knoxville. Kate was up early this morning and ready for Panera at 7:30. I had been up since 5:18 and had a walk. I was then taking care of those things that have to be done at the last minute. She wasn’t dressed exactly the way I had intended. I told her I would like for her to change the pants she was wearing. She was quite agreeable,

As it turned out, it worked out well that she was ready so early. That enabled us to get to Panera early and relax before leaving for the airport about 9:50. Our flight left on time. We had a planned layover of three hours in Atlanta. Our flight was delayed fifty minutes waiting on the incoming flight. That meant virtually four hours in the airport. We had nice lunch and then spent the balance of our time on our iPads.

When we arrived in Buffalo, we came directly to the hotel and checked into our room. We got a recommendation of a place to eat from a man at the front desk. We ate at Bravo Cucina. It was a good meal but not great. What made the whole thing special was that Kate was more talkative than I have seen her in a while. She talked about mostly about our marriage. She spoke about how fortunate we have been and how we recognized our good fortune. She also talked about the travel we had done and what a wide variety of travel experiences we had had. She said she was tired and would go right to bed when we got back to the hotel. She was right about that. She is sound asleep right now.

Tomorrow morning we will take it easy. I intend for us to have a light breakfast either here at the hotel or at a Starbucks that is across the parking lot. We are planning to stop for lunch at the Italian Fisherman at Bemus Point on Chautauqua Lake. We have done this each of the past four or five times we have come to Chautauqua.

Kate said several times that we are off to a good start on this trip to Chautauqua. I couldn’t agree more. I hope the balance of the trip goes as well.

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Pulling Leaves, Plants and Strange Behavior

We are now approaching the middle of the summer, and we have not made a trip to Lowe’s for plants. Last year and the year before we were making such trips almost twice weekly. The last time Kate expressed an interest was during the winter. We went there but found they didn’t have much and said they would start getting things in late February. On several occasions, I have asked Kate if she would like to go. She has said with a groan, “Not now.” I have even suggested that she might want to put some plants in the pots beside the spa as well as some others for the patio and front porch. She has unenthusiastically agreed that it would be nice but has never picked up it so as to take action. I take this as a critical sign in the progression of her illness. It is equivalent to her giving up her computer (email, Facebook, and finally, her photobooks). Fortunately, she is still pulling leaves although our recent weather has meant that she comes in after being outside for a short time. It also means for showers and changes of clothes.

I have also made a change. I am no longer suggesting that she wear work clothes outside. I just let her wear whatever she has on when she decides to pull leaves.

I have mentioned several strange behaviors of Kate’s, but I don’t think I have mentioned that she has been taking paper napkins from the restaurants we frequent. At first, she was doing this to have them in the car when she might need something for her salivation problem. Now, however, she is tearing them up (along with the paper towels she has used in the house) and put them in a basket in the garage. It is similar to her collecting hickory nuts and putting them in the basket on our island. The big difference is that she is using the nuts as a decorative effect. I didn’t realize what she was doing at first. I thought she was tearing up napkins to put in her compost. When checked the compost, I didn’t find any. I do find an occasional Dr. Pepper can and yogurt containers as well as the tops of the containers. I haven’t asked her to explain why she is doing this. She wouldn’t remember. On at least two occasions, I have been walking out the door of the kitchen on the way to the car when she starts to take a yogurt container to the compost. In those instances, I have pointed out that they go in recycling and not the compost.

The combination of the increasing problems she is having with her puzzles on the iPad and the heat is that she seems to be more restless (behaviorally speaking). What I mean is that she spends a little time at Panera until her frustration pushes her to go home. Then she works outside for a little while until she gets hot. That is exactly what has happened this morning. We were at Panera for a little less than an hour between 9:00 and 10:00. We went home where she pulled leaves. She came in and took a shower. She came into the family room where I was writing this post for my journal and said, “Are you coming?” She was ready to go back to Panera. That is where we are right now. It is 11:19 a.m. I think we will just work a while on our devices until around noon when we will have lunch. Then I imagine we will go back home. I feel sure she will pull leaves a while until we are back here since we don’t have any other plans until 5:00 when we have a visitation for a former neighbor.

In the car on the way over here, she pointed to her cup that was sitting in the cupholder and motioned to me as a way of asking if it were all right for her to take a drink. When we parked at Panera, she did the same thing only this time she was asking if she should take her cup into Panera, something we do every time we come here.

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Asking Permission

I have noted a number of times that Kate asks permission to do certain things or what she should do. This is becoming a more common occurrence now. It seems, however, to center around the same things. The requests for permission are almost always if it is all right for her to work outside in the yard. This typically happens when we are approaching our house on the way back from Panera, lunch, or dinner. In addition, it includes whether she can use her clippers and which part of the yard she can go to. I still don’t ever recall telling her that she could not work in the yard or a certain part of the yard or not with her clippers. When I give permission, she gives me a look of surprise as though this is a rare occasion. I must admit I play the game myself. I say, “I guess I am in a good mood today” or “I’m really getting lenient.” I suppose this is a replacement for the game we played when she accused me of being “anal” in a teasing sort of way.

One of the other things she does is more understandable. She asks me if she should take her iPad when we go somewhere in the car. She does the same thing for her cup. This is not surprising because we are often going to Panera where she will need these things. Sometimes we are going where she won’t need them.

Less understandable is her asking me if she can use her iPad in the evening while I watch the PBS Newshour. Once again, this is something I have never told her she couldn’t do; so it seems strange that she would ask my permission. My interpretation is that this is just a matter of the transition from her complete independence to a growing dependence on me to tell her what she should do.

Under this same heading I should also note that she is more frequently asking, “What now?” Or “What can I do now?” This happens most often at night when she has come in from the yard. It also happens on days when because of rain or heat, she doesn’t spend as much time in the yard. When she has to spend extra time in the house, she gets bored and asks what she can do. I always take this as a sign that she wants to go to Panera. So far I have been right every time.