I envy those who seem to be able to recall the exact words of conversations. It is just about impossible for me. In this journal, I have tried to capture exact quote where I can. In many case, I have retained the spirit of the words that Kate and I have spoken, but they aren’t always the same exact words we have uttered. The notable exception is the mention of phrases that are common place like “Let’s not talk about it” or “Tell me tomorrow.” All of this is to say that we just had an exchange that I wish I could capture in the literal words in which they were spoken. Here’s what happened.
As we walked out of Panera to return home, the sun was shining brightly. Kate put her hand up to protect her eyes. I said, “This is a good day for sunglasses.” Then I remembered that she had lost the two pair of sunglasses I had bought her recently. As it turned out, I found one hanging on a shrub the other day. After returning it to her, one of the lenses fell out. I told Kate I would have to see about getting her new ones.
When we got in the car, she said, “If I had a car, I could get my own.” Then she mentioned other things she could do if she had a car. I told her I knew that she missed having a car. We exchanged a few comments about my willingness to take her places. Then she said, “How would you feel if you were the one without a car, and I had to take you everywhere.?” I told her I wouldn’t like and would feel dependent. As I continued to talk, she said, “I’m not listening.” It wasn’t mean-spirited, but I knew it was clear that she wanted me to stop.
What I think is significant is that Kate does not talk much at all about how she is feeling. Much of what I know about her feelings I pick up from observation. This particular conversation is an indication of her continued struggle to hold on to her independence. This goes far beyond having a car, but it seems like the car is an obvious symbol of her dependence. I should not be surprised at this. I do recognize that having the freedom that a car provides is very important for many of us who are aging.
