| A real-time account of Dementia Caregiving

December 24, 2015January 9, 2018

Not as Good as Yesterday

This morning while we were eating breakfast at the hotel in Fort Worth, I received a call from my former sociology mentor at TCU, Arthur Cotti, telling me that Kate had left her sunglasses in his apartment when we visited him yesterday afternoon. I told him we would drop by on the way out of town. We had just bought the sunglasses at Walgreens just before lunch as we were headed to meet the Greeleys.

Kate had wanted to drive by the house where she had lived when she was a young child; so we did that. We saw the owner getting a few things out of her car and told her that had been Kate’s home from 1941 to 1949. She told us she and her husband had bought it in 1991. I had my camera out and had planned to take a picture, but she talked so long and her husband came outside. I felt we needed to move on to my mentor’s place. After I pulled away, Kate said, “You didn’t take a picture for me.” She was obviously upset. I told her that we had taken a picture on the last trip to Texas. That didn’t set well. The irony is that she had never said anything about taking a picture; so I thought it was only something I had thought about. I would definitely have done it if she had said something.

When we got to Arthur’s place, I noticed that she had her iPad in her arms and suggested that she leave it in the car. She was annoyed and gave me a dirty look and got out of the car with the iPad. Arthur was sitting in the lobby waiting for us. He gave her the sunglasses. Then we had someone take a couple of pictures of us with him. We then left for Lubbock. Early in the trip (but too late to turn around), Kate asked, “Where is my iPad?” I told her it was probably back at Arthur’s. She kept looking and suggested it might be in the trunk. I told her we hadn’t opened the trunk when we left Arthur.

At a stop, I called back and left messages for Arthur and David, the man who had taken our pictures. Later, David called to say that he had found the iPad and had given them to Arthur. We will pick them up next Wednesday when we are there.

During almost the entire trip Kate was still unhappy with me about not getting a picture of her old house. I told her I was sorry and would make sure we did so next week.. That didn’t seem to carry much weight. She hardly spoke a word until after lunch. She has been depressed over leaving her iPad as well as being angry at me. As we were entering a McDonald’s to get something to drink early, she said that I wanted to control everything she wants to do (referring to my not taking a picture of her 34th street house). She has rested about an hour and a half. I am sure she will come around when we meet Kevin and his family at later this afternoon.

December 23, 2015January 9, 2018

Things continue to go well.

Today we came over to Fort Worth after spending 3 nights in Dallas. Kate has enjoyed every social contact we have had. That continued today when we had lunch with the Greeleys at their favorite barbeque place. That was followed by a visit with Arthur Cotti, the former chair of the sociology department at TCU and an important mentor to me. Finally, we had dinner with another cousin of Kate’s, Chester Hendricks and his wife, Polly. Kate hadn’t been interested in going out tonight. She rested in bed for about 45 minutes following the day’s activities. When we got out to the car, she asked, “Where are we going?” I told her to meet Polly and Chester for dinner. She said, “Oh, I want to see them. I didn’t know.” This is a case in which I should have known that she would not remember. Then I could have told her that we were going to meet them as I told her it was time to go in 15 minutes. I have found that even though I know her short-term memory is weak, I still often respond to her as though she is perfectly all right. I think that is because she has not reached the stage where she always forgets. She forgets most things, but she sometimes remembers.

He memory problems cause her to get stories mixed up when she is talking with friends. While we were at lunch with Scott and Jan, she said something about Roger Rosenblatt whom we have seen several times at Chautauqua. She told them that he is a ghost writer for celebrities who have a story they want to tell but lack the time or necessary skills. I heard her tell someone else the same story in the past few days. He is actually a former journalist and writer who writes only for himself. This is just a small thing that matters little. I mention it only as an example of the kind of confusion she experiences.

December 22, 2015January 20, 2018

Successful First Day

In planning this trip I was guided by the belief that this trip might very well be the last trip to Texas where we were able to visit so many people in different places. For that reason I arranged for us to see Sharon Billings, Kate’s cousin, and three friends in Dallas (Carter Owens and his partner, Michael, Meg Wright, and Nancy and Charlie Hardwick). Tomorrow we drive over to Fort Worth where we will have lunch with Scott and Jan Greeley who are in Fort Worth visiting with her parents. We will also have dinner with Polly and Chester Hendricks. On Thursday, we drive to Lubbock where we will spend Christmas with our son and his family. Next Monday, we drive back to San Angelo where we stay 2 nights with Ken and Virginia before going once again to Fort Worth where we will have lunch with Naomi Richardson.

You never know how things like this will go, especially after Kate’s confusion when getting ready for the trip. The good news is the first day went very, very well. We had breakfast at the hotel (fresh orange juice, coffee, and eggs Benedict). I was eager to move on to her cousin Sharon’s house right after breakfast; however, Kate wanted to get her iPad and spend some time in the lobby working jigsaw puzzles. We spent about an hour on our iPads.

We arrived at Sharon’s close to noon and immediately jumped right into conversations that Kate enjoyed so much. We talked through a long lunch and got back to the house around 3:15. Sharon wanted to rest a little and Kate happily did the same. In fact, she remained in our room until close to 5:30 when we were getting ready to go to Carter’s house before dinner. Kate loved everything.

Although I have known Carter since 1948, Kate has only met him 2 or 3 times over the years. In 2012, we went out for coffee with Michael and him. Apart from that occasion, neither of us had spent any time with Michael. No one would have guessed it by how much we were enjoying ourselves. We didn’t get back to Sharon’s house until 11:00 or shortly thereafter. In fact, we were the next to the last table to leave the restaurant. There was not a break in the conversation from the time we arrived at Sharon’s until we left Carter and Michael’s last night. I would say it was a perfect day.

Today should be interesting. We are going to visit Charlie Hardwick and his wife, Nancy. Charlie also has also has Alzheimer’s. Neither of them is aware that the other also has the disease. Nancy and I are not planning to tell them. We are just going to visit as though things are just as they always were. I’ll report on that tonight or tomorrow.

December 21, 2015January 20, 2018

Lunch With Sharon Billings

As we were walking by the front desk to check out of the hotel, Kate engaged in a conversation at the front desk. While it was not long, it was another illustration of her desire to engage in interaction with people.

We got to Sharon’s house just before noon. We had some refreshments and conversation before going to a French restaurant for lunch. At one point Kate stepped to the ladies room. While she was gone, Sharon told me that she thought Kate is doing very well. Her perception is that she didn’t see anything that would even cause her to seek a diagnosis. This is yet another reminder of how well someone with Alzheimer’s can hide the problem. It is remarkable how I could see the kind of confusion I observed over the weekend and how well Kate could “”perform” today. The key is that her greatest strength is in the area of social skills. In most social situations that is what really matters. It is other skills that are called on in other situations. These are the ones that are affected most.

December 21, 2015January 9, 2018

Making Friends

We are in the lobby of the Marriott Las Colinas in Dallas. We came in last night from Knoxville. Within the next hour we will make our way to Sharon Billings’ house where we will stay 2 nights before moving on to Fort Worth on Wednesday.

After breakfast, Kate said she would like to come back down to the lobby and work on her iPad for a while. That is what brings us here. About 10 minutes ago, she got up from the sofa where we were seated. She walked over to a painting with blue bonnets. Then she struck up a conversation with the valet who was stationed nearby. They continue talk. She has been telling him about growing up in Fort Worth, that I am from West Palm Beach, and, I believe, her cousin, Tina, who lives in Alaska.

This is something of a pattern with her. She often strikes up conversations with people when we are out. It was one of the good things about our getting out to places like Panera Bread or other restaurants. It really doesn’t matter where, any public place will do. The only time I ever think of it as a problem is when I am ready to leave a place, and she continues talking with someone. I find myself conflicted by wanting her to continue having a positive experience and our “needing” to move on.

As always, I try not to find ourselves in a hurry and just let her take her time. That is what I am doing right now. I know she would like to spend as much time as possible with Sharon, but she is moving very slowly to get ready to leave. She still hasn’t finished packing her suitcase and shows absolutely no sign of hurrying. I will let her take as long as she needs since we really don’t have to be there at a particular time.

December 19, 2015January 9, 2018

Confusion About Packing

Shortly after writing my last entry (4:33 pm), Kate seemed to be getting a little panicked. I decided it wasn’t worth it to attempt to go either to a special dinner or to the choral concert tonight. I went back to her to her room and suggested that we just get something simple and skip making an evening of it. I don’t remember exactly how I said it, but I said something that I thought would suggest the only thing she had to do was pack for our trip. She was greatly relieved. I went back to our bedroom and started gathering together my things and packing them. About 20 minutes ago, I went back to her office and saw that she was working on her laptop and had not started packing at all. I told her I thought she was packing and that is why we weren’t going to out for dinner or the concert. She looked surprised. I asked if she wanted me to put her suitcase on the bed for her. She did, and I left to finish up some of my things. Realizing that she was getting panicked, I told her it might make it easier if she just laid out the things she would like to take with her and packed them in the morning.

In a while, she called me to her office. When I got to the back, I discovered that she had picked out 7 or 8 outfits. I told her that was perfect. I left again to tend to my stuff. In a little while she called me again. I went back to her office. She showed me the very same things she had shown me before. I did not say that she had already done this. I simply said they were perfect. Then she asked me when we were leaving (meaning for Texas). I told her tomorrow as I have done each time she has asked.

She has been getting along so well lately that I have been surprised about her present behavior and condition. It makes me feel once again that the upcoming cruise will have to be one that minimizes tight deadlines and keeps things as simple as possible. I am still optimistic that we can do this on the cruise. A bigger consideration at the moment is whether I have arranged too rigid a schedule while we are in Texas.

December 19, 2015January 9, 2018

Lots of Confusion

Kate has been outside for a while. When she came in she asked me what we were doing tonight. I told her that we were either going to dinner at Elizabeth’s Chris if they are not already booked or to a Christmas concert by a local choral group. I reminded her that we leave tomorrow on our flight to Texas. Since then (less than an hour ago), she has asked me at least twice if not three times what we have on tonight. A moment ago after telling her once again, I reminded her of our flight to Texas. She asked me what time we were leaving. I told her again. Then she said as though it were a surprise, “I really need to know that.” She is beginning to show a little panic as tonight and departure tomorrow are coming together.

December 19, 2015January 9, 2018

Anniversary of Our First Date

Fifty-fours years ago today (1961), Kate and I had our first date. I was planning to post this on my Facebook page. I went so far as to write up something that I could copy and paste onto my Facebook page. Before doing so, I went back to Kate’s office where she was working on her computer. I told her it was the anniversary of our first date. She said she wanted to put that on Facebook. I suspected that she would never get around to doing it. Then I came back to my computer and edited my copy so that it was from her rather than from me. I posted it on her FB page and told her about it. She loved it. She didn’t say a word about my doing it instead of letting her do it. Here is what I wrote.

I see in the morning paper that on this day in 1777, Gen. Washington led his army to Valley Forge, in 1813, the British captured Fort Niagara, and in 1843, “A Christmas Carol” was first published.

While these are certainly important events, the one I’‘m remembering today is that on this date in 1961, Richard and I had our first date. We went to a performance of Handel’s Messiah on the TCU campus. Besides an interest in the performing arts, we discovered other things we have in common. One was especially surprising to me. When my father learned that Richard was from West Palm beach, he asked me to see if Richard knew physician who had been a close friend of my father’s and a groomsman in my parents’ wedding. Knowing that West Palm was a world away from Fort Worth, I hesitated. Finally, I asked. I was surprised when he said, “”Yes. I was friends with two of his children in high school, and he was my father’s orthopedist.” We were off to a good start. And, I must say that our relationship has aged well with time.

December 17, 2015January 9, 2018

A Different Story of Imagining

Today as Kate and I were on the way to lunch, she said, “”Are you going to notice that woman (or was it a couple?) and her (their?) child?”I said, “”Is this somebody you have noticed before?” She gave me a disgusted look. I said, “I’m not good at remembering these things.” She answered, “”Well, you don’t pay any attention to the things I say.” I started to say something in response, but she didn’t want to “talk about it.”

Shortly after we ordered, she commented that the mother and her child were not there. She pointed to the place where they usually sit and asked me if I remembered that she had gone over to the table and told the mother how cute her child was. I told her I didn’t remember. She went on to tell me that when she told the mother that her child was cute, the mother told her she remembered her saying that. Kate said she asked, “Have I told you that before?” The woman answered, “”Two times” and seemed a bit annoyed. She said that when she told me about it, I said, “”If it happens again, I am going to go over to the woman and tell her that you have Alzheimer’s and can’t help it.” Then I said (that is, today when she told me this story), “”I wouldn’t have said that.” She said, “”You just don’t remember. You remember everything, but when it involves me, you don’t remember anything. If it’s somebody else you remember, but not when it’s me.”

While I have mentioned other occasions when she has imagined I had told her something, this is the first time I recall her having such an elaborate description of something that had happened and my reaction to it. I don’t know that this signals anything of significance, but it is something different.